So Far Away, Come Closer (one-shot)
“I need a vacation. Be back in two weeks. Don’t try to call me, bye.” Heechul hangs up with their manager on the other end of the line. He immediately dials in a new number - the nearest airport to book his flight outta here.
The soonest flight is in two hours.
Heechul throws the first things he sees from his closet into his duffel bag and hurries out the door, only stopping in Siwon’s room to make sure everything else is arranged and taken care of. Take care of Sungmin for me, he whispers in the dark. Siwon just nods solemnly.
---
The fried rice is about to burn when Hangeng finally returns from it after hanging up the phone.
Sungmin had just called him telling him, “Yeah, Heechul, he just got up and left last night. I don’t know where the fuck that idiot wandered off too this time…”
Hangeng tries to rescue the last bits of still salvageable rice, but his mind wanders off in other directions and he’s no longer there - he wishes he weren’t anywhere anymore. Just there with him. Holding him, telling him that everything’s going to be okay and that they’re gonna elope and make love under the stars and get married and have kids, saying their “oh god, I love yous”
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can suppress whatever pain and tears
All I want is you
Only one is you in my life
---
It’s literally only ten seconds after Hangeng is able to register what the incoherent text from the all-too-familiar number is trying to say, when the front door bursts open.
He smells like roses and lavender and tears and memories rushing a million miles an hour towards him. Hangeng feels time freeze as they stare each other through the hallway. Eyes locking. Hearts beating. Hangeng wants to run to him and crush him and tell him that yeah, he thinks they’re destined to be together to and that, fuck no, he’s not marrying anyone else because he needs him in his life. He needs to know they are going to be okay. He needs to know they’re not going to be like strangers. He needs to know they won’t live on just phone calls lasting until six in the morning.
Heechul feels the exhaustion settling in, but barely has two seconds to render his thoughts when relief sinks down upon him like the weight of the world; it’s the sight of his face, his eyes staring at him - that sends the wave of relief crashing over him.
And then tears are spilling from his eyes, down his face and he’s gasping, choking, clutching the only person, the only thing, he’s ever wanted this badly in his entire life and for a moment there -no, a whole seven months there-he thought he had lost it and god, how much he fucking ached for it to come back.
“Fuck, Geng,” he rasps, voice broken, chest aching, fingers grabbing blindly onto everything that is Hangeng - down to the smell, the taste, the sounds of this person he could not survive without. His hair getting crushed in Heechul’s grabs and tugs and Hangeng doesn’t even care, just crushes him against his body so hard his ribs are screaming in protest.
And yet they are not close enough - no, never close enough. There is not enough time in the entire world to make up those endless months, but Heechul futilely tries anyways. Their tongues tangle effortlessly, wildly and their mouths fit each other’s like molds made perfectly just for that purpose and their tears are mixing and heartaches melding together. Heechul presses him closer and his eyelashes dust Hangeng’s cheeks lightly and then Hangeng is pulling away - just a centimeter to whisper, “Heechul, Heechul, no, no, you are too far away, come closer.”
Heechul obliges and presses his body impossibly closer to his and he can feel the thump thump thump of his heart in sync with Hangeng’s and their mouths are crushed together again, teeth crashing together, more tears spilling down - hot, wet, messy.
Heechul is a babbling, bawling mess in Hangeng’s arms and all he manages to say is, “God, it fucking took so long - I need you, I don’t even. I fucking missed you, oh god…you stupid Chinaman…” and swats feebly at Hangeng’s chest; he’s angry at himself for a moment for being so goddamn incoherent, but then he remembers the things Hangeng does to him and he remembers how it’s completely normal for him to reduce Kim Heechul to tears. He can’t seem to stop crying, sobs shaking his body violently.
“Heechul, Heechul,” Hangeng breathes into his ear, presses his face against Heechul’s newly dyed black hair and breathes in the scent of his shampoo - strawberries and warm vanilla all swirled in together and makes Hangeng feel lightheaded from the nostalgia.
Then it’s too hot and they’re still not close enough for comfort so Heechul pulls his mauve knitted sweater over his head and removes his black combat boots all the meanwhile Hangeng slips off his leather jacket from his broad shoulders. He runs his hands over Hangeng’s skin-this smooth, flawless feeling so long ago to him, so far away, and the pain of this realization sets him on another round of sobbing, tears falling endlessly down his face. Hangeng is pressing his lips gently to Heechul’s face, kissing away those forever falling tears, pressing their now-bare bodies together - skin against skin-milky and white. He’s missed him so much, so much.
The heat of skin on skin is almost too much and Heechul’s sobbing is reduced to occasional hiccups and he hangs on to Hangeng’s soft tufts of hair too roughly, too desperately, and gasps heated whispers on Hangeng’s bare chest - sending ripples of shivers all over his skin. “God, Geng, why the hell are you always so fucking faraway? I can’t take it anymore…God, please, just don’t leave anymore.”
Geng shakes his head, tears spilling down his own face and he buries them into Heechul’s sweetly scented hair and whispers, “No, God no, I promise…I’ll never leave you ever again. Just stay here next to me, I want to feel you against me, Heechul.”
And that’s all that Heechul wants to hear, needs to hear. He presses his lips eagerly against Hangeng’s swollen ones for the millionth time and lets the electric coiling feeling in his stomach unfurl entirely and take him over completely. He doesn’t know what’s happening next anymore, just knows that it’s too hot, just too damn hot. And they’re so fucking close to each other, but when Hangeng moans aloud, “…this skin…it’s in the way…” Heechul remembers feeling white-blinding pleasure flash behind his eyelids. He remembers his toes curling and his mouth chanting Hangeng’s name; unrecognizable moans and whimpers spill from his lips. He remembers the sweat and the tears and the streams of Chinese swear words all mixing in together. He remembers screaming Hangeng’s name so many times and so loudly that his throat is raw afterwards and he remembers digging his manicured nails into Hangeng’s shoulders and neck. Then there’s Hangeng’s sweaty, burning hands holding Heechul upright on top of him, clutching tightly on his tiny waist and lithe hips as he pounds into Heechul from underneath again and again - it’s so tight, and so hot and fast. So deep. But he still wants more.
“Fuck, Heechul,” he remembers Hangeng moaning, eyes closing - his expression so torn - there are still tear stains on his face and his mouth is open in a silent moan of pleasure, and then there is the way that Hangeng holds him that says Don’t leave. Stay here. I need you. I fucking can’t live without you and yeah it’s pathetic but that’s the truth, so don’t go. Just don’t go anymore.
“Holy fuck, Han…geng…oh, please, God, harder…yeah, right there. Harder…nnnghhh.”
He remembers exquisite pain, but also that numbing pleasure that causes his fingers and toes to tingle and his stomach to quiver. The pleasure that makes him moan and scream and drag his fingers over Hangeng’s toned stomach over and over again and he wishes it’d never stop but then the Chinese words are what drives him over and edge and he comes gasping loudly, “…nnghh, ah, Geng, hurry, deeper, aah…”
He remembers their bodies alighting on fire and the indefinite amount of heat that’s produced - it suffocates him and chokes him and yet he wants it, he breathes it in and savors it: that smell of sweat and sex and untainted truemotherfuckinglove that no one wanted to believe in but he knew it all along. Hangeng knew it too and they tried to ignore it but they were too blind to see how much it was hurting them until it was too late; Heechul just wanted to stop ignoring the truth and instead embrace it, like the way he yearns to embrace Hangeng.
Heechul remembers Hangeng’s face scrunching up in intense pleasure as he climaxes inside of him - so hot and deep - and then Hangeng whispers, I love you, I love you, I love you…in Chinese until they both fall asleep next to each other, skin still flush against skin.
---
Siwon once asked Heechul what he wanted most in life; Heechul had answered simply, “I want to be happy.”
Siwon pondered this for a moment and then said a little dejectedly, “So you’re not happy being here with me and the other hyungs?”
Not feeling like sugarcoating anything, Heechul told Siwon the truth. “No, not really. I can only be truly and entirely happy here with you guys for tiny, fleeting moments…and I can’t do this anymore. I need to be happy for … a long time, Siwon. Maybe, for forever.”
---
I won’t cry, I won’t cry again
Absolutely nothing can stop me
But only one person
You make me, you perfect me
Oh, you make me able to breath like this
---
The next morning Heechul wakes up lying naked on top of Hangeng (who is also naked), and he smiles as brightly as the sun shining outside the curtained windows and Heechul thinks to himself, “This is where I belong.”
Hangeng wakes up then - all fluttering eyelashes and sweet aftershave smells and he looks down at Heechul, smiles just as brightly, and whispers into Heechul’s ear, “You look so right in my arms.”
---
It’s not until two weeks later, and ten sleepless nights, and an hour into the flight back to Korea that Heechul fingers a forgotten piece of paper in his suitcase and he unfolds it, heart beating loudly in his chest and he can’t help but press the paper close to his chest for a moment, already knowing who it’s from.
Heechul,
I miss you. Thinking about you leaving, I miss you. And you’re here with me right now, curled up asleep in my arms and you’re breathing softly, breath tickling my arm, and you look so peaceful. So peaceful - unlike all the other times I’ve seen you and you were always in a panic, or bawling your eyes out, or in a flurry of excitement. I wish I could take you forever and keep you here and not let you stray from me, I love you.
You; you’re all I need yet it’s so hard to keep you here next to me.
When you go back, Heechul, please don’t forget about what I told you. I’ll come find you. I promise. I’ll find you. And if it takes a lifetime, even it takes forever and a day, I promise I’ll come find you again and hold you and make you mine so please don’t forget, I love you.
And I’ll make you Beijing Fried Rice everyday, and I’ll learn Korean fluently for you and I’ll even kiss you in public if you want. I’ll take more pictures with you and I’ll buy you more cats - I’ll even feed them all because I know you tend to forget, but I love you.
I miss you even though you’re right here in my arms.
I need you to be closer to me.
Don’t forget.
I love you. I hope it’s enough. But I do.
Geng
Heechul reads the note about fifteen times, remembering it by heart and the delicate strokes of the Chinese characters that spell out ‘Heechul’ and ‘Geng’, before he slowly refolds it, tucking it in his pocket, tears stinging his eyes and when the plane lands, he texts Sungmin and Siwon. He says he loves me.
With that reassurance, it’s enough.
It’s enough for him to believe.
---
It’s August, the stage lights nearly blinding him after they perform “No Other” together flawlessly once again, all happy smiles and shining faces, but there’s a hidden loss under that happiness, hiding the pain of all the things they miss. They are there together-ten of them together, the first Super Show with only ten members, in front of thousands, millions of fans and Heechul grabs his microphone, and yells out, “Hey, you guys want to know a secret?”
The replies of screams are deafening.
“I have someone I love!” he shouts, heart beating wildly.
Screams escalate as he spots a couple of fangirls in the front beginning to bawl. Who is it that Kim Heechul loves? How could he betray us like that?
He feels the eyes of the others on the stage boring into his back. What is he doing? They are probably wondering.
“That person is a very special fan. That person is here,” his voice falls to nearly a whisper and the entire stadium falls silent.
Heechul strides over to the edge of the stage, his black locks flowing smoothly around him like an illusion to hide his hundred different emotions and he knows how crazy this is.
But he knows how much he wants it.
He pulls the hooded figure from one of the front seats, yanks back the black hood that is covering the latter’s face, removes the familiar black mask that covers his mouth with the name “Heechul” printed in white on it, and drops his mic-his hands are cupping that familiar, smoothly shaven face and he can taste the tears running down his face, the fear burrowing deeper in his chest and at the same time he can taste the refreshing, coldness that lingers at the weakening relief coursing through his body.
And then he kisses him - open mouth and all and tongues brushing gently at first, then growing more aggressive as he presses their bodies together, hearts reaching out and intertwining. He can almost hear it now, told you I’d find you, Hangeng would say later when he fucks him raw and needy in the last stall of the dressing room- but those thoughts dissipate as Hangeng’s mouth melts perfectly against his and the endless roaring of the crowd’s screams drown him out.
A/N: So how was it? ~ I hope you enjoyed it. Pretty much sums up my two cents about Heechul and Hankyung and the whole Hankyung leaving and Hanchul separated thing going on. It's all going to be okay in the end. They'll always be perfect in my heart.