Ice Castle (Chp. 3)
In a tumult of strangling emotions rolling around inside of him restlessly, Jin returns to the residence, his hands fisted nervously in his pockets, heart racing.
What was Kazuya doing? Where has he gone?
Jin’s dad glances over at him and pats him on the shoulder comfortingly.
“Hmm, Jin, I’m sure Kazuya is going to be fine, don’t worry so much,” he says, breaking a gentle smile.
Jin forces back his own smile, turning his attention back out the window.
The sky is gloomy now-bleak and gray, like God is angry. Black clouds are settling over the blue sky that was just clear moments ago.
What’s going on? Jin wonders, his heart still pounding deafeningly inside of him.
---
They burst through the door, a jumble of jarring noises and clumsy steps.
“Did you find him yet?” Jin’s dad is behind, his voice rising in a panic as he looks over at Mr. Yamamoto.
Yamamoto shakes his head solemnly, his expression slightly torn.
Suddenly, something strikes Jin and just as he is entering the house, he stops dead in his tracks. Without another thought, he instantly whirls back around, tracing the steps he had just taken moments before. He leaves through the same door and the last words he hears are, “Seventeen! Seventeen of my servants and one boy. I can’t believe this! Completely ridiculous! Search the entire place until you find him!” Mr. Yamamoto’s voice is uncharacteristically angry-loud.
“Jin! Where are you going?”
“Don’t worry, just help look for Kazuya, I’ll be back in an hour at the most,” Jin hollers back, not bothering to turn and look at his father.
Big fat, cold drops of water splashes relentlessly on his skin, landing loudly against his body like little bullets. Undamaging. Never hurting, never harming, but a hazy blurry wall surrounding him, drawing him into the darkness. Cold, alone.
He shivers.
“Kazuya!” Jin’s voice breaks a little and he makes a low whimpering noise as a wet twig tangles itself around his leg and causes a streak of bright red blood to gush out of his skin. It snaps under his weight and he jumps.
He jumps again and nearly falls over when the sky lets out a crackle of vociferous thunder. Eyes wide and his heart racing inside him like a pounding drum. Panic. Pure panic.
“Kazuya…” he calls out again, his voice is hoarse now and the rain pouring down in front of him like a curtain. Like a thick waterfall. He feels lightheaded.
All around him there are infinite trees. Water and trees. That’s all he sees.
And then he is lost.
A feeling that hasn’t befallen him for a long time suddenly sinks like a thousand pound weight in his stomach. Suddenly, he’s worried.
Kazuya. Where did he go? Is he okay? What happened?
These thoughts flit through his mind over and over again, like a mantra.
A ripple of goosebumps trail down his spine and he looks around, paranoid, now. The sky looks like it’s ready to fall down and the air is treacherously freezing.
“K-Kazuya,” Jin shivers, wrapping his hands around himself, eyes still darting all around, trying to catch any kind of movement amongst the tightly woven trees.
In one abrupt, unforeseen millisecond, time stops and Jin turns around.
“Jin,” the boy says, his hair draping over his shoulders, sopping wet, and his eyes rimmed with tears, red and raw. His voice is like a bottomless pit-vacant.
---
Trembling together, huddled by the parlor fire, a steaming mug of green tea cupped weakly in their hands as the fire melts away the pain in their fingertips and tea burns their tongues with every sip.
It’s been an hour since then. An hour since Kazuya found Jin crouched over himself amidst the flooding rain pouring from the sky. An hour since Jin first felt the unnerving rush of relief at seeing Kazuya’s face and hearing that voice and crushing his body against that frail, thin one. An hour since they’ve trampled back home, on the verge of catching pneumonia and freezing their eyes off. Only an hour since they were at in the living room, Mr. Yamamoto’s voice raising up a couple octaves every second as he demands Kazuya to answer him. The boy just stares ahead, right at Jin-with his broken expression and that glassy-eyed look like a terrible mask on his face. And when his uncle is done yelling at him, he still doesn’t say anything, just continues to stare while he murmurs, “I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”
-
“I’m sorry,” Kazuya mumbles again and stares into the flames of the. The flames that will match his eyes in a couple of hours.
Jin reaches out to touch Kazuya’s arm but stops himself. Just in time. Instead, he places his hand on the scalding hot mug in Kazuya’s hands.
“For what? You’re okay now. We’re okay now. It’s fine.”
Kazuya shakes his head.
“I made everyone worry. I’m sorry. There was just something urgent I had to do,” he sighs. Shuts his eyes as he rubs the middle of the forehead, the little spot between his eyebrows that always gets scrunched up. So much that Jin worries it’s going to cause wrinkles soon.
Jin hushes him, shifts his position to look at Kazuya now, moves his fingers a couple centimeters and precariously glides them over Kazuya’s hand.
“Stop. I said everything’s going to be okay. Alright?”
Kazuya nods slightly, head bent over and then he looks back up at Jin, eyes overflowing with and brand new rush of fresh tears.
Good thing there’s no one in here but them. The maid who brought them the tea just left a couple minutes ago.
Before he can even open his mouth to say anything to Kazuya, the other boy places his other hand-freezing cold on top of Jin’s and looks him in the eye.
“I went to see my mother, Jin. We had a talk. She had some things to … tell me…”
Jin nods. “What’s wrong with that?”
Kazuya lips are pulled into a tight, thin line. He looks so serious Jin’s afraid he’s going to snap back any second. “My mom died six years ago.”
---
That night, Kazuya sends the maid to drop a little silver envelope under the crack of Jin’s door. Inside there’s nothing but a tiny slip of paper that reads: tonight at 8. My room.
Jin doesn’t even hesitate. He swivels around and throws a lazy glance at the clock. 7:48 it reads.
Perfect, he thinks and swiftly pulls on a pair of pants beside him and stand up, running and hand through his now tangled hair and breathing a sigh. Maybe he’ll get some answers tonight.
-
There’s no moonlight tonight. Just darkness. So instead they sit and converse by the little fireplace like they did earlier, eyes not meeting and a tension so thick that it fills their lungs-makes them want to choke and gag and cough it all up.
“She died when I was nine. Breast cancer. I never got over it…” Kazuya continues, hands fumbling with themselves nervously.
Jin still can’t get over the fact that this boy he’s known for such a short amount of time has already let his guard down so much around him. He’s not wearing the blindfold tonight.
Trying not to gape lamely, Jin sneaks occasional glances at the latter and nods, his eyes are warm with understanding and empathy.
Suddenly, there’s an icy touch in Kazuya’s former sorrowful tone.
“and then they locked me up in here,” he nearly snarls. They hatred and anger is almost overwhelming-so suddenly. “No, he locked me up in here. Like his little petting zoo. They think I’m a fucking monster.”
Jin is stricken speechless. In instant, Kazuya’s attention is focused on Jin and his eyes are brimming with tears again. And there they are-those golden, smoldering embers of red and bronze and fire.
“…they locked you up here?”
Kazuya swallows, pulls the anger and the sudden outburst back inside himself again like an animal recoiling inside its shell. He nods, slowly.
“…why?”
“because of this!” Kazuya nearly screams and places both of his hands over his eyes and lets out a single sob-breaking as he bends over on himself. There is a small silence-breakable. Like wire glass collectibles.
“Kazuya…Kazuya…look at me. Look at me,” Jin walks up to the other boy, standing closer to the fireplace now, the heat nearly melting the fragilely woven silk of his yukata.
He doesn’t look at him at first.
“I… don’t give a damn why they’re doing this to you. Or who. Or for what reason. But I can be fucking sure as hell that you are nothing like a monster. You…have no idea how unique, exquisite, beautiful you are. You are far from being a monster. If anything…” Jin stops suddenly, his elegant words stilling for a moment as he realizes what kind of confession he’s making; his ears flush crimson. “…if anything, you would be an angel, okay? So stop getting that ridiculous notion in your head.”
Breath hitching, Kazuya looks up at him and scoffs a little. Just a little, but when he sees Jin’s cheeks redden, he places a hand on the taller boy’s shoulder and looks him in the eye, with those eyes. Those gems in the night, those reflections of the stars in the ponds, those first bright lights you see after an eclipse.
“Thank you,” he says sincerely. He smiles and Jin thinks the world could go crashing down and maybe he wouldn’t give a damn right now.
“My mom died too. When I was seven. She smells a lot like you,” Jin blurts suddenly before he can pull himself back.
Blinking, Kazuya looks at him and smiles a soft, sad smile. It’s breaking right before his eyes.
He understands, Jin realizes, and he’s suddenly dragging the other boy into his arms, drawing them together like to fish on a line, like two magnets-opposite attractions yet inevitably crashing together. The boy feels cold again, entirely cold-almost deathly cold even though they are standing right beside the fire. He can almost feel the heat burning off the little hairs on his fingers.
“Maybe I should tell you about my mom, now.” Kazuya says, breaking the silence after some long time they stand there, bodies precariously touching each other-only a thin layer of clothes keeping them from being apart. But the thought of that sends his mind spiraling downward in a frenzy and he snaps back to reality-breathless and stunned.
Jin looks at him inquisitively.
“You sure you wanna tell me?” he inquires.
“Yeah, I think you have a right to know…after all…it had something to do with you.”
Jin stops. Freezes. “What?”
-
“I was dreaming this afternoon. When you were off at the fair with your dad. I accidentally fell asleep on the couch,” Kazuya pauses to look at Jin, checking his attention. They’re back next to the fire again, settled on a mountain of elaborately embroidered pillows.
“I saw her then. In my dream. She showed me a pathway through the forest. To this little place…” he pauses, like he’s searching somewhere faraway-lost in that memory of his, gesturing little motions with his thin fingers. “I think…I think it was a little shrine. Just a little farther than a mile from here, deep in the forest.”
Jin nods, resisting the urge to reach across the space between him and just lie down in Kazuya’s lap and hear the story. It’s completely ridiculous and nerve-wracking, really. This…this attraction, or whatever would fit it, that he feels for this boy. It’s absolutely absurd.
“There at the shrine, she finally turned around and talked to me..and I … I can still remember the exact words that came out of her mouth. She looked exactly the same as ever. I can almost still see her now as I’m speaking to you… I’ve never seen someone or heard someone speak so clearly in the dream like that before.”
Kazuya looks at him again for a little moment before he flicks away, self-aware of the reaction he gets by looking at Jin right in the eyes again.
“What did she tell you?” Jin urges.
“…she told me….she told me that I … needed to meet her there … at that shrine as soon as I woke up.”
Jin cuts in suddenly, “and you did! You went to find that place?”
Kazuya looks upset-almost terrified.
“Yes.”
“And?”
“The details.. oh god, the details. They were so unbelievably. No, so scarily real and intricate and meticulous in my head as I was walking there that I…it felt like I had walked that way a thousand times even though I’ve never ever really left this place.” He breathes. Shuts his eyes and sighs again-heavily. Jin watches as his chest rises and then falls.
“I got there.” Kazuya says, looking at Jin for some kind of rejoinder. “It was fucking there, Jin. You have no idea how scared I was. I was honestly trembling with fear. How could that be real right? I seriously thought I was tripping out something. Maybe the incense from the place, or something. But goddamn. I was so freaked out.”
Jin watches, hand shaking now. He’s speechless and Kazuya’s expression is so frustrated and broken that he’s afraid maybe the boy will break down. His voice breaks when he continues.
“…and then I saw her…” Kazuya pauses. Looks at Jin again for the millionth time-eyes pleading and sad, so fucking sad they are driving Jin insane. “I fucking SAW HER, JIN,” Kazuya nearly shouts, voice cracking again and then he is sobbing, clutching on to Jin’s arms and pulling himself closer to Jin.
“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” he cries, mouth pulled into a terrible frown and his eyes smoldering with those golden blazes hidden behind a veil of tears.
Jin shakes his head. No, no he doesn’t think Kazuya’s crazy. “I believe every word you’re saying,” he reassures the other boy who doesn’t seem to really be absorbing those words. But he goes on anyways.
“She was there, when I was praying, just kneeling in front of those giant statues. I was just shutting my eyes for a second. Just for one second. And before I knew it, she was there in front of me, like in my dream. Just like in my dream…” Kazuya doesn’t even notice he’s repeating his words, just nearly mumbling to himself now-he almost seems traumatized.
Jin cups his fingertips gently around Kazuya’s chin and softly pulls his face up so he can look him in the eyes. He hushes him, wipes away the stray tears and leans in, pulling him into yet another hug and squeezes him tightly, pressing their bodies even closer than before and doesn’t let go. Just lets them stay like that-arms around each other.
What is this? What is this growing so steadily-yet at the same time so shakily-before them? Between them?
“If it makes it any easier, you can talk to me like this. You don’t have to look at my face. I know it must be hard for you to do that,” Jin whispers.
He can feel Kazuya’s heartbeat. And the coldness of his skin. The delicateness of his body. He can feel the warm teardrops on his shoulder.
Kazuya hiccups. “She told me … something about some gods or something weird like that. Something about descendants and Amaterasu and the mood god-Tsukuyomi. I really wasn’t listening. I was just so shocked. It was really like she was there in front of me... like she was actually talking to me. And I swear. I freaking swear she was there….”
Jin squeezes him even harder when the sobs become silent ones, causing him to halt midway between his words and the tears fall even harder. They are so compressed together that it’s almost hard to breathe.
“It’s okay…” Jin soothes, shutting his eyes as he feels them start to mist over as well, the ache in his heart is like it’s chained down-so heavy it’s almost insufferable. Unbearable.
Then something catches his attention-unexpectedly.
“Wait…did you say something about gods? Amaterasu?” Jin asks, something working its way inside his mind. Something peculiar.
He hears Kazuya sniffle a bit, then nod slightly, hair brushing Jin’s cheekbones and making him go red.
What was it? There was something I’d just heard about Amaterasu? Goddesses?
“I…I heard something about that just recently,” Jin mumbles half to himself, half to Kazuya.
Suddenly, Kazuya pulls away, ending the long hug by cupping his long, delicate fingers around Jin’s entwined hands and staring at him in the eye.
“I think this…this is some kind of sign…because right after the stuff about the gods and all that folklore…” Kazuya shifts his eyes downward, “She said…that…I needed to stay away from that new person I had just met. That I had to leave him now. As soon as I possibly could. I was never to see him again. I was never to speak to him again…and I realized,” Kazuya is choking now, struggling to get those words out.
Those words that Jin already knows before they fall from Kazuya’s lips.
“And that person is me, right? Isn’t it? It means we can never talk again?” Jin finishes for him.
Kazuya doesn’t say anything.
“I think that’s ridiculous,” Jin retorts. “I believe you, but I still want to know why. We gotta find out…”
The latter remains silent.
“Will you help me? I need to at least know why…” he trails off, voice fading. “I don’t know how. I don’t know why. But I won’t let this just end like this. I need to know why. I need to find out…so please…”
Jin is almost begging.
He doesn’t even know why he is acting like this. So desperate, so hopeless. So … attached.
There’s just something about Kazuya. Something Jin just can’t pinpoint but maybe it’s way he looks at Jin with those fragmented memories shining in his eyes-with that unspoken sorrow. Maybe it’s that smell that draws him in like cigarette smoke. Maybe it’s the way he talks with disjointed, broken words. Or his cold skin. Or his soft little yukata that he always wears and makes him looks like a floating angel.
Maybe it’s his soft, low husky voice.
Maybe it’s his frightening, haunting past.
Whatever it is-Jin is afraid he will never let it go.
-
“I think I know where to start,” Jin starts, getting up from the mountain of pillows, drawing his fingers away from Kazuya’s.
The other is looking at him intently. Listening.
“There’s this old woman who lives in the village… I think she can help. How about tomorrow morning? At…seven? I’ll meet you at the front gates…” Jin thinks he’s starting to sound absolutely ridiculous.
He checks back at Kazuya for some kind of response.
The latter smiles and then it’s the glory of heaven shining behind him like an illuminating lamp.
Before Jin leaves, he waves goodnight and reaches out with his fingertips and touches Kazuya’s face-not even thinking this time, unhesitatingly.
“You need to smile more…” he whispers, “because when you do, it’s watching Christmas unfolding right before my eyes.”
---
A/N: YEAH I TOTALLY FAILED \o/
YEHEY. D:
uhh idek anymore XD pls comment anyway? i would love to get some feedback. I'm still promising a better chp soon D;
*shoots myself*