Think Once, Think Twice, Think Kame
Title: Think Once, Think Twice, Think Kame
Author: xlolitsnozomix and xx_lovelain_xx
Pairing: Kameda (kame x ueda)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: angst, romance, fluff
Words: 5900
Summary: In search of his happiness, Ueda travels far and wide to find that certain place where he belongs, where he was meant to be. But what happens when his journeys lead him from one dead end to another? Does he keep blindly searching, or does he give up completely? in the end. by nearly losing sight of himself completely, he manages to find the answer.
A/N: so i made a collab fic with yanni (xx_lovelain_xx) for UEDA'S BIRTHDAY!!! its more angsty than fluffy i guess but we got the title and idea thanks to a sloganizer sight hahaha XD it was fuun looking for a good title and plot bunny ahaha <3 this was super fun to write and we had a pretty good time writing it, i imagine! (: ENJOYYY~~ :D
Rubbing his cheek self-consciously, Ueda took a deep breath as he sat on his couch in the darkened room and looked out the tall windows of his apartment at the city lights twinkling back at him. Those lights were the only source of light in the apartment. He leaned against the arm rest of the couch, looking up at the ceiling for a long moment.
On the table next to the couch, a song was playing slowly with clear notes from the cell phone that was lighting up as the song continued to play. He began to hum the song under his breath, still rubbing his cheek as he did. Rolling over so that he was now lying on his side, he reached over for the cell phone and flipping it open, gazed blankly at the name that spelt itself out in digital letters.
Ueda just stared at the name for a long while, before pressing the reject call button and there was nothing but silence in the apartment for a long while. Ueda stared at nothing but thin air, trying to keep back the tears that were threatening to spill out despite his best efforts to be strong.
Finally, he sat up, stumbling in the direction of the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water, gulping it down, letting himself believe that the wet feeling splashing onto his hand was from the glass in his hand and not from his own eyes.
He could hear the song of his phone ringing again and Ueda walked back into the living room and picked up at phone, looking at the name blankly again and once again, he pressed the reject button. It was right as he was going to put it back down on the table that it rang once more.
This time, instead of hanging up, Ueda flipped it open and answered the call, “Yeah?” he asked, aware that his voice sounded scratchy, “What’s up Kame?” he asked.
“You sound weird Tat-chan” Kame said, sounding worried, “Are you alright?”
Ueda laughed, “Why wouldn’t I be?” he said, forcing a smile on his face even though he knew Kame wasn’t here and couldn’t see his face, “I’m fine!”
“Are you sure?” Kame asked worriedly and Ueda laughed just a little, and it sounded fake and forced even to his ears so he knew Kame would never fall for it.
There was a silence, in which Ueda knew Kame was debating whether to ask or not, to pry or not, and he sighed and laid back down on the couch, speaking as he did.
“Kame…do you think…everyone can find happiness?” he asked softly.
Silence met his question, and Kame made a sound of surprise at those words, “Happiness?”
“Not just…you know, things like money and material things, but happiness, like belonging and being happy no matter what happens because you belong somewhere that makes you happy” Ueda tried to explain, but thought that he was failing terribly at it.
Kame made a humming noise, “Well, I’m sure everyone has something like that. Everyone has to belong somewhere, right? Or else we’d all be very lonely people for the rest of their lives…”
Ueda smiled, “I should have expected something like that from you”
There was another silence, “Are you sure you’re alright?” Kame asked disbelievingly, “do you need me to come over there?”
“No…but…Kame?” Ueda whispered, almost afraid to hear the answer that might come.
“Yes?”
“…if I said I wanted to go and find happiness, the place where I belong, what would you say?”
“Tat-chan?!”
“I’m…tired” Ueda murmured, “I don’t like my heart hurting, I don’t like always trying not to cry, I don’t like not knowing what to do because…because every time I try to find happiness, I end up unhappy instead. I just…want to find that happiness, and I’m so tired Kame…” he said, unable to stop telling all this to Kame.
“Tat-chan”
“What would you say?”
“…I’d tell you to go” Kame said and Ueda could almost see Kame smiling in an understanding and reassuring way, “I’d tell you…that if you found that happiness, I’d be happy for you. I’d understand you wanting to be happy, because that’s what I, and probably everyone else in the world, want out of life and I’d tell you to go but to tell me when you’ve found that happiness, because I want to know you’ve found it”
Ueda stared at the ceiling for a long time.
“You sound sad when you say that”
“…because it sounds like you want to leave” Kame said right away, “And I don’t want to leave because you might not come back”
“What if I promise to come back to tell you when I’ve found that happiness?”
“…I’ll still be sad” Kame said, “But I would never stop you from finding the same thing I want”
Ueda smiled, probably the first real one that night, “You’re a good friend Kame” he said after a while, “I promise I’ll be back”
Ueda thought he heard Kame murmur something that sounded suspiciously like ‘you might not if you find happiness somewhere else’, but he must have heard wrong.
He smiled as he closed his eyes. If Kame was right, he would find that happiness one day.
Maybe one day soon.
He could only hope.
---
For some reason, it was France. More specifically, Marseilles, France. It was harshly warm compared to the usual chilly, crispy air that filled the mornings in Japan. Sometimes, as he stared out into the milky sunshine that spread throughout the outside world, he sort of missed the dense, thick fog that shrouded his old apartment. He even missed the slushy, wet mornings after a night time world of snow. But there was something else that he missed. There was still that hole in his heart yet it seemed like instead of growing smaller, it grew bigger and bigger every passing minute. It was something always gnawing at the back of his mind-yet he just couldn’t pin-point what it was.
And then there was the sea. Bright and breathtaking-it sparkled and stretched farther than the eye could see. The calls of the gulls and the smell of the salty ocean filled his senses as he lay down on the fresh clean sheets in his hotel room, bathing in a hazy glow of sunlight. The soft carpet of his quaint little room comforted his feet. But his heart? Now that was totally a different story…
He had talked to Kame one time during the entire month he was gone. The conversation was disjointed-unnatural, and not at all like they how they usually spoke to each other. There was a heavy, hanging feeling in the air between them and it was hard to make the questions flow into one another.
“How is it going so far?” Kame asked tentatively-his voice sounded strained.
“It’s going pretty great,” Ueda replied whilst biting on his tongue and forcing himself to smile despite the way he really felt.
“Really? Have you met anyone interesting yet?”
“Ahh…well the language is not my specialty so it’s slightly hard to talk to someone without pulling out my French-Japanese dictionary, “ Ueda chuckled.
Kame chuckled back and then the conversation came to an abrupt halt.
After another excruciating ten minutes of slightly rhetorical questions and tongue-tied silences, Kame had Ueda’s mind spinning after he asked him a certain question.
“So have you happened to find your happiness yet?”
Ueda sucked in an abrupt breath at this and his pulse quickened-unexplainably. “I…I don’t know yet, Kame. I haven’t had enough time here yet to really enjoy everything about it. So I just… I don’t know. I haven’t had enough time to figure out if I belong here or not…”
Ueda could almost see Kame nodding thoughtfully on the other line as silence filled the gap between them again.
“Isn’t it like midnight you for you?” Ueda asked suddenly, eager to replace the crackling of their crappy connection with his own timid voice.
He heard Kame’s stifled laugh on the other line. “Yeah, I guess it’s pretty late… I should sleep soon.”
“Yeah…I think you should.”
“Alright, call me when you’re not too busy with things, okay?” Kame regarded with a slightly troubled tone and Ueda was tempted to ask him what was wrong but then the goodbyes were already falling from his mouth.
Just like that, the conversation was over. He was all alone again - in this place he didn’t know. This place where he had no one to rely on. No one to talk to. No one to comfort his restless being. And Ueda knew he had to do something…something quick, because when he was alone, those piercingly painful memories invaded his mind mercilessly and he would be back at square one again.
So he busied himself with always having his trusty mp3 player handy and pulling on those huge headphones to push away the pounding thoughts in his head. Or he would take long, peaceful walks along the banks of the ports that were scattered around the nearest bay. Sometimes, he even built up enough determination to pull himself through the large, noisy crowd that filled the sunny streets.
He enjoyed the unique, warm smells of France. Everything was so different from Japan. So different from everything he was used to. The inviting, refreshing smell of freshly baked bread swarmed in his head as he crossed the bakery. Or the intense, strong smell of invigoratingly delicious coffee recently brewed would occasionally make him close his eyes and remember the days he spent drinking coffee with Kame on mornings when he felt especially groggy.
But Ueda was never one for crowds. So after an hour or two of mustering up some courage to be shoved down the street by smothering masses of people, he would retreat back to the reliable, quiet safety of his room. He liked being alone, he decided. Even if it made him think of things he didn’t want to, it was calming.
He knew France would be this way, and that’s why he chose it-to pull himself out of his comfort zone. He wanted to try something new and something that was completely different. And it was more different then he could’ve ever imagined. It was the people and it was the weather. Even the places were so different - the buildings were foreign to him and the language itself was a huge challenge to attempt to master.
Most importantly though, day by day, the hole inside of him grew deeper and darker like a fungus eating away at him and day by day, he felt less and less like he belonged here. There was a yearning in his heart and he wasn’t sure anymore if he could find it here.
Here in this foreign, strange, bustling city with the undying sunbeams and heat. Here where he couldn’t comprehend the language or understand the people. Here where he couldn’t get used to the growing emptiness inside him.
As he listened to the lazy caws of the seagulls flapping their great white wings outside his huge bay window for the last time, he felt a twinge of excitement stir inside him. Perhaps that was what he needed-to be outside like those seagulls. To break free and feel unempty and not have anything to feel like it was missing.
To finally feel like he was complete. Perhaps this was just what he needed-independence from everything that held him prisoner.
He could only hope.
--
His eyes were closed, the cold, crisp autumn wind gnawing at his cheeks that were uncovered by the scarf that barely managed to shield his neck from the cold. His hair was ruffled by each breath of wind that blew at him as he leaned against the stone wall. He slowly opened his eyes, looking up at the clear blue sky above him before reaching into his pocket to grab a pair of gloves. As he put them on, he turned around to put his elbows in the space between the battlements, looking down at the grounds with a wistful expression on his face as even from here, he could hear whispers of laughter coming from the ground.
He could see a tour starting down on the grounds and he knew that it would not be long before the tour arrived in this area that he had claimed for his own for the past hour, and he would leave because he did not want to hear the sound of couples touring the country giggling and acting romantic to each other, nor the happy laughter of a family as they had fun on their family trip.
Because all of those represented something he didn’t have and couldn’t find.
Belonging.
Although he had only traveled one country away, from France to England, that small move between the countries seemed to create an even bigger void in his heart than there had been before. He wanted so much to just find that feeling, that feeling that put those bright happy smiles on people’s face, and when he found it, he would grab on and never let go. He wanted to be just as happy as those people who could smile and laugh like there was nothing to worry about in the world, like pain and heartbreak was just a fleeting insignificant moment in time.
If only…
Ueda could only offer a sad smile to no one in particular as he breathed a heavy sigh. For some reason, when he had been purchasing the ticket to leave France, he had, instead of traveling further away, out of Europe, had chosen this country that was so close to the country he had fled to after leaving Japan. He wondered why; perhaps it had been reluctance to travel across the ocean, an unwillingness to leave what was starting to become familiar after living there. Perhaps he was afraid that going all the way across an entire ocean, to look for happiness would result in nothing just like it had in France. Perhaps he was afraid that he was never going to find that happiness, that belonging…
Maybe he wanted to still be able to think ‘I never went over there. I might have found it there’ instead of thinking, ‘I’ll never find it’
Maybe he just wanted to keep a little hope for himself.
With a heartbreakingly sad look on his face that he was too tired to try to cover with a fake, polite smile, he crossed his arms on the cold stone and rested his head there, closing his eyes once again.
A few moments later, he opened them again when he heard a soft tune playing from his pocket and with dark lashes fluttering, he pulled the cell phone out from his pocket. He turned off the alarm and began to dial a familiar number, putting the phone to his ear, waiting for the phone on the other end to be picked up.
After a surprising many six rings, he heard Kame’s voice over the line and he had to smile at the familiar voice. Although he was in contact with Kame more than the others, he and Kame still found it hard to talk for a long time, the awkwardness from their few and brief conversations when he had been in France, remaining with them even when he had settled in England.
“Oh, Tat-chan” Kame said, and Ueda couldn’t help but notice an obvious strain in his voice, even one that Kame with his amazing stubbornness to easily hide anything that was wrong, couldn’t keep out of his voice.
“Is something the matter?” Ueda asked in concern.
“No, it’s nothing” Kame said, the lie in his voice a bit too obvious. Ueda could almost see Kame’s expression when he said this - jaw set in determination to pretend everything was fine, eyes averted even though they couldn’t see each other, so that he could lie without looking him in the eye, and his hands were probably shaking just a little.
“Kame…”
“It’s nothing Tat-chan” Kame said, that stubborn tone in his voice, “How are you doing?”
“…okay, I guess” Ueda said, giving up on getting anything out of Kame for now, “I…England it’s nice” he said, hating how he had to make small talk, because their conversations were now nothing more than small talk. He hated how the further he went away from Japan, the more he tried to find his own happiness, the more he seemed to grow further apart from Kame.
He hated how Kame didn’t tell him what was wrong, when something obviously was.
He wanted to tell Kame to tell him what was wrong, to make it his business to make sure no one was hurting the youngest member of the band like he used to; he didn’t want to be shunted out of Kame’s life, he wanted to be the one to threaten anyone who troubled Kame.
But it didn’t seem like his place anymore…
And he hated it.
“Tat-chan!”
Ueda was startled back to the conversation when he realized Kame was calling his name and he muttered a guilty, “Sorry, I didn’t get that”
“I was asking if you still went to that tower every day” Kame asked curiously, “You mentioned last time that you went every day”
“…I’m there now” Ueda said with a light laugh and paused when he heard something on Kame’s end, “Is there something knocking on the door at your end?” he asked curiously, sure he heard the sound of someone banging on the door.
Kame let out a sigh, “It’s only the others” he said dismissively, “Hang on, okay Tat-chan? I’ll see what they want” he said with a bit of a strain in his voice. Ueda wanted to tell Kame to wait, to ask what was wrong, but the words died at his lips. Kame must have put his hand over the speaking end of the phone because now all Ueda could hear were muffled sounds and voices.
Suddenly, he could hear a loud crash on the other end as well as a startled shout of “Kame!” clearly, and he there was a loud screeching noise. Ueda guessed that Kame had dropped the phone now, and he wanted to call out to ask what was wrong, but he knew that Kame probably wouldn’t be able to hear him right now.
“I told you, I’m NOT doing it!” he could hear Kame say, sounding on the verge of screaming or crying and Ueda felt that urge to shake Kame, and ask what was the matter, because the youngest member never showed it when something was wrong. He liked to hide things like this from others.
“Kame” Ueda recognized Maru’s voice, “You…you have to, c’mon Kame”
“I’m not and you can’t make me!” Ueda closed his eyes as he imagined the scenario. Maru was probably standing in the door of Kame’s apartment, and he most likely had Junno or Koki with him, or maybe all three of the other members, and Kame - he could see tears of frustration welling up in Kame’s eye, the same tears that would show up whenever Kame didn’t want to admit something but was being forced to. The same tears Ueda had seen many times over the years, and Ueda wished it didn’t hurt every time he saw those tears - in person, or just seeing it in his mind.
the second part! click here~!
please leave a comment on the 2nd part. comments are disabled here<3
Author: xlolitsnozomix and xx_lovelain_xx
Pairing: Kameda (kame x ueda)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: angst, romance, fluff
Words: 5900
Summary: In search of his happiness, Ueda travels far and wide to find that certain place where he belongs, where he was meant to be. But what happens when his journeys lead him from one dead end to another? Does he keep blindly searching, or does he give up completely? in the end. by nearly losing sight of himself completely, he manages to find the answer.
A/N: so i made a collab fic with yanni (xx_lovelain_xx) for UEDA'S BIRTHDAY!!! its more angsty than fluffy i guess but we got the title and idea thanks to a sloganizer sight hahaha XD it was fuun looking for a good title and plot bunny ahaha <3 this was super fun to write and we had a pretty good time writing it, i imagine! (: ENJOYYY~~ :D
Rubbing his cheek self-consciously, Ueda took a deep breath as he sat on his couch in the darkened room and looked out the tall windows of his apartment at the city lights twinkling back at him. Those lights were the only source of light in the apartment. He leaned against the arm rest of the couch, looking up at the ceiling for a long moment.
On the table next to the couch, a song was playing slowly with clear notes from the cell phone that was lighting up as the song continued to play. He began to hum the song under his breath, still rubbing his cheek as he did. Rolling over so that he was now lying on his side, he reached over for the cell phone and flipping it open, gazed blankly at the name that spelt itself out in digital letters.
Ueda just stared at the name for a long while, before pressing the reject call button and there was nothing but silence in the apartment for a long while. Ueda stared at nothing but thin air, trying to keep back the tears that were threatening to spill out despite his best efforts to be strong.
Finally, he sat up, stumbling in the direction of the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water, gulping it down, letting himself believe that the wet feeling splashing onto his hand was from the glass in his hand and not from his own eyes.
He could hear the song of his phone ringing again and Ueda walked back into the living room and picked up at phone, looking at the name blankly again and once again, he pressed the reject button. It was right as he was going to put it back down on the table that it rang once more.
This time, instead of hanging up, Ueda flipped it open and answered the call, “Yeah?” he asked, aware that his voice sounded scratchy, “What’s up Kame?” he asked.
“You sound weird Tat-chan” Kame said, sounding worried, “Are you alright?”
Ueda laughed, “Why wouldn’t I be?” he said, forcing a smile on his face even though he knew Kame wasn’t here and couldn’t see his face, “I’m fine!”
“Are you sure?” Kame asked worriedly and Ueda laughed just a little, and it sounded fake and forced even to his ears so he knew Kame would never fall for it.
There was a silence, in which Ueda knew Kame was debating whether to ask or not, to pry or not, and he sighed and laid back down on the couch, speaking as he did.
“Kame…do you think…everyone can find happiness?” he asked softly.
Silence met his question, and Kame made a sound of surprise at those words, “Happiness?”
“Not just…you know, things like money and material things, but happiness, like belonging and being happy no matter what happens because you belong somewhere that makes you happy” Ueda tried to explain, but thought that he was failing terribly at it.
Kame made a humming noise, “Well, I’m sure everyone has something like that. Everyone has to belong somewhere, right? Or else we’d all be very lonely people for the rest of their lives…”
Ueda smiled, “I should have expected something like that from you”
There was another silence, “Are you sure you’re alright?” Kame asked disbelievingly, “do you need me to come over there?”
“No…but…Kame?” Ueda whispered, almost afraid to hear the answer that might come.
“Yes?”
“…if I said I wanted to go and find happiness, the place where I belong, what would you say?”
“Tat-chan?!”
“I’m…tired” Ueda murmured, “I don’t like my heart hurting, I don’t like always trying not to cry, I don’t like not knowing what to do because…because every time I try to find happiness, I end up unhappy instead. I just…want to find that happiness, and I’m so tired Kame…” he said, unable to stop telling all this to Kame.
“Tat-chan”
“What would you say?”
“…I’d tell you to go” Kame said and Ueda could almost see Kame smiling in an understanding and reassuring way, “I’d tell you…that if you found that happiness, I’d be happy for you. I’d understand you wanting to be happy, because that’s what I, and probably everyone else in the world, want out of life and I’d tell you to go but to tell me when you’ve found that happiness, because I want to know you’ve found it”
Ueda stared at the ceiling for a long time.
“You sound sad when you say that”
“…because it sounds like you want to leave” Kame said right away, “And I don’t want to leave because you might not come back”
“What if I promise to come back to tell you when I’ve found that happiness?”
“…I’ll still be sad” Kame said, “But I would never stop you from finding the same thing I want”
Ueda smiled, probably the first real one that night, “You’re a good friend Kame” he said after a while, “I promise I’ll be back”
Ueda thought he heard Kame murmur something that sounded suspiciously like ‘you might not if you find happiness somewhere else’, but he must have heard wrong.
He smiled as he closed his eyes. If Kame was right, he would find that happiness one day.
Maybe one day soon.
He could only hope.
---
For some reason, it was France. More specifically, Marseilles, France. It was harshly warm compared to the usual chilly, crispy air that filled the mornings in Japan. Sometimes, as he stared out into the milky sunshine that spread throughout the outside world, he sort of missed the dense, thick fog that shrouded his old apartment. He even missed the slushy, wet mornings after a night time world of snow. But there was something else that he missed. There was still that hole in his heart yet it seemed like instead of growing smaller, it grew bigger and bigger every passing minute. It was something always gnawing at the back of his mind-yet he just couldn’t pin-point what it was.
And then there was the sea. Bright and breathtaking-it sparkled and stretched farther than the eye could see. The calls of the gulls and the smell of the salty ocean filled his senses as he lay down on the fresh clean sheets in his hotel room, bathing in a hazy glow of sunlight. The soft carpet of his quaint little room comforted his feet. But his heart? Now that was totally a different story…
He had talked to Kame one time during the entire month he was gone. The conversation was disjointed-unnatural, and not at all like they how they usually spoke to each other. There was a heavy, hanging feeling in the air between them and it was hard to make the questions flow into one another.
“How is it going so far?” Kame asked tentatively-his voice sounded strained.
“It’s going pretty great,” Ueda replied whilst biting on his tongue and forcing himself to smile despite the way he really felt.
“Really? Have you met anyone interesting yet?”
“Ahh…well the language is not my specialty so it’s slightly hard to talk to someone without pulling out my French-Japanese dictionary, “ Ueda chuckled.
Kame chuckled back and then the conversation came to an abrupt halt.
After another excruciating ten minutes of slightly rhetorical questions and tongue-tied silences, Kame had Ueda’s mind spinning after he asked him a certain question.
“So have you happened to find your happiness yet?”
Ueda sucked in an abrupt breath at this and his pulse quickened-unexplainably. “I…I don’t know yet, Kame. I haven’t had enough time here yet to really enjoy everything about it. So I just… I don’t know. I haven’t had enough time to figure out if I belong here or not…”
Ueda could almost see Kame nodding thoughtfully on the other line as silence filled the gap between them again.
“Isn’t it like midnight you for you?” Ueda asked suddenly, eager to replace the crackling of their crappy connection with his own timid voice.
He heard Kame’s stifled laugh on the other line. “Yeah, I guess it’s pretty late… I should sleep soon.”
“Yeah…I think you should.”
“Alright, call me when you’re not too busy with things, okay?” Kame regarded with a slightly troubled tone and Ueda was tempted to ask him what was wrong but then the goodbyes were already falling from his mouth.
Just like that, the conversation was over. He was all alone again - in this place he didn’t know. This place where he had no one to rely on. No one to talk to. No one to comfort his restless being. And Ueda knew he had to do something…something quick, because when he was alone, those piercingly painful memories invaded his mind mercilessly and he would be back at square one again.
So he busied himself with always having his trusty mp3 player handy and pulling on those huge headphones to push away the pounding thoughts in his head. Or he would take long, peaceful walks along the banks of the ports that were scattered around the nearest bay. Sometimes, he even built up enough determination to pull himself through the large, noisy crowd that filled the sunny streets.
He enjoyed the unique, warm smells of France. Everything was so different from Japan. So different from everything he was used to. The inviting, refreshing smell of freshly baked bread swarmed in his head as he crossed the bakery. Or the intense, strong smell of invigoratingly delicious coffee recently brewed would occasionally make him close his eyes and remember the days he spent drinking coffee with Kame on mornings when he felt especially groggy.
But Ueda was never one for crowds. So after an hour or two of mustering up some courage to be shoved down the street by smothering masses of people, he would retreat back to the reliable, quiet safety of his room. He liked being alone, he decided. Even if it made him think of things he didn’t want to, it was calming.
He knew France would be this way, and that’s why he chose it-to pull himself out of his comfort zone. He wanted to try something new and something that was completely different. And it was more different then he could’ve ever imagined. It was the people and it was the weather. Even the places were so different - the buildings were foreign to him and the language itself was a huge challenge to attempt to master.
Most importantly though, day by day, the hole inside of him grew deeper and darker like a fungus eating away at him and day by day, he felt less and less like he belonged here. There was a yearning in his heart and he wasn’t sure anymore if he could find it here.
Here in this foreign, strange, bustling city with the undying sunbeams and heat. Here where he couldn’t comprehend the language or understand the people. Here where he couldn’t get used to the growing emptiness inside him.
As he listened to the lazy caws of the seagulls flapping their great white wings outside his huge bay window for the last time, he felt a twinge of excitement stir inside him. Perhaps that was what he needed-to be outside like those seagulls. To break free and feel unempty and not have anything to feel like it was missing.
To finally feel like he was complete. Perhaps this was just what he needed-independence from everything that held him prisoner.
He could only hope.
--
His eyes were closed, the cold, crisp autumn wind gnawing at his cheeks that were uncovered by the scarf that barely managed to shield his neck from the cold. His hair was ruffled by each breath of wind that blew at him as he leaned against the stone wall. He slowly opened his eyes, looking up at the clear blue sky above him before reaching into his pocket to grab a pair of gloves. As he put them on, he turned around to put his elbows in the space between the battlements, looking down at the grounds with a wistful expression on his face as even from here, he could hear whispers of laughter coming from the ground.
He could see a tour starting down on the grounds and he knew that it would not be long before the tour arrived in this area that he had claimed for his own for the past hour, and he would leave because he did not want to hear the sound of couples touring the country giggling and acting romantic to each other, nor the happy laughter of a family as they had fun on their family trip.
Because all of those represented something he didn’t have and couldn’t find.
Belonging.
Although he had only traveled one country away, from France to England, that small move between the countries seemed to create an even bigger void in his heart than there had been before. He wanted so much to just find that feeling, that feeling that put those bright happy smiles on people’s face, and when he found it, he would grab on and never let go. He wanted to be just as happy as those people who could smile and laugh like there was nothing to worry about in the world, like pain and heartbreak was just a fleeting insignificant moment in time.
If only…
Ueda could only offer a sad smile to no one in particular as he breathed a heavy sigh. For some reason, when he had been purchasing the ticket to leave France, he had, instead of traveling further away, out of Europe, had chosen this country that was so close to the country he had fled to after leaving Japan. He wondered why; perhaps it had been reluctance to travel across the ocean, an unwillingness to leave what was starting to become familiar after living there. Perhaps he was afraid that going all the way across an entire ocean, to look for happiness would result in nothing just like it had in France. Perhaps he was afraid that he was never going to find that happiness, that belonging…
Maybe he wanted to still be able to think ‘I never went over there. I might have found it there’ instead of thinking, ‘I’ll never find it’
Maybe he just wanted to keep a little hope for himself.
With a heartbreakingly sad look on his face that he was too tired to try to cover with a fake, polite smile, he crossed his arms on the cold stone and rested his head there, closing his eyes once again.
A few moments later, he opened them again when he heard a soft tune playing from his pocket and with dark lashes fluttering, he pulled the cell phone out from his pocket. He turned off the alarm and began to dial a familiar number, putting the phone to his ear, waiting for the phone on the other end to be picked up.
After a surprising many six rings, he heard Kame’s voice over the line and he had to smile at the familiar voice. Although he was in contact with Kame more than the others, he and Kame still found it hard to talk for a long time, the awkwardness from their few and brief conversations when he had been in France, remaining with them even when he had settled in England.
“Oh, Tat-chan” Kame said, and Ueda couldn’t help but notice an obvious strain in his voice, even one that Kame with his amazing stubbornness to easily hide anything that was wrong, couldn’t keep out of his voice.
“Is something the matter?” Ueda asked in concern.
“No, it’s nothing” Kame said, the lie in his voice a bit too obvious. Ueda could almost see Kame’s expression when he said this - jaw set in determination to pretend everything was fine, eyes averted even though they couldn’t see each other, so that he could lie without looking him in the eye, and his hands were probably shaking just a little.
“Kame…”
“It’s nothing Tat-chan” Kame said, that stubborn tone in his voice, “How are you doing?”
“…okay, I guess” Ueda said, giving up on getting anything out of Kame for now, “I…England it’s nice” he said, hating how he had to make small talk, because their conversations were now nothing more than small talk. He hated how the further he went away from Japan, the more he tried to find his own happiness, the more he seemed to grow further apart from Kame.
He hated how Kame didn’t tell him what was wrong, when something obviously was.
He wanted to tell Kame to tell him what was wrong, to make it his business to make sure no one was hurting the youngest member of the band like he used to; he didn’t want to be shunted out of Kame’s life, he wanted to be the one to threaten anyone who troubled Kame.
But it didn’t seem like his place anymore…
And he hated it.
“Tat-chan!”
Ueda was startled back to the conversation when he realized Kame was calling his name and he muttered a guilty, “Sorry, I didn’t get that”
“I was asking if you still went to that tower every day” Kame asked curiously, “You mentioned last time that you went every day”
“…I’m there now” Ueda said with a light laugh and paused when he heard something on Kame’s end, “Is there something knocking on the door at your end?” he asked curiously, sure he heard the sound of someone banging on the door.
Kame let out a sigh, “It’s only the others” he said dismissively, “Hang on, okay Tat-chan? I’ll see what they want” he said with a bit of a strain in his voice. Ueda wanted to tell Kame to wait, to ask what was wrong, but the words died at his lips. Kame must have put his hand over the speaking end of the phone because now all Ueda could hear were muffled sounds and voices.
Suddenly, he could hear a loud crash on the other end as well as a startled shout of “Kame!” clearly, and he there was a loud screeching noise. Ueda guessed that Kame had dropped the phone now, and he wanted to call out to ask what was wrong, but he knew that Kame probably wouldn’t be able to hear him right now.
“I told you, I’m NOT doing it!” he could hear Kame say, sounding on the verge of screaming or crying and Ueda felt that urge to shake Kame, and ask what was the matter, because the youngest member never showed it when something was wrong. He liked to hide things like this from others.
“Kame” Ueda recognized Maru’s voice, “You…you have to, c’mon Kame”
“I’m not and you can’t make me!” Ueda closed his eyes as he imagined the scenario. Maru was probably standing in the door of Kame’s apartment, and he most likely had Junno or Koki with him, or maybe all three of the other members, and Kame - he could see tears of frustration welling up in Kame’s eye, the same tears that would show up whenever Kame didn’t want to admit something but was being forced to. The same tears Ueda had seen many times over the years, and Ueda wished it didn’t hurt every time he saw those tears - in person, or just seeing it in his mind.
the second part! click here~!
please leave a comment on the 2nd part. comments are disabled here<3