Rest in Peace
today my Great Uncle Joe (well, i guess hes my great uncle...hes my mom's uncle...everyone just calls him uncle though...so i donno what it is technically.) passed away.
he was old and wasnt doing really well, it was expected i guess.
i just wasnt expecting it.
and i really wish my mom wouldnt just email me that...it upsets me.
i hate seeing words so stark and black, so cruel and unsympathetic on the screen, uncaring, cold, words.
i guess her words were kinder than the aim i got ...a year a month and 4 days ago. "Mrs.McBride is dead." thoguh i dont think she bothered to capitalize it even.
or when mom told me about my aunt "Mareen is dead."
WHY AM I JUST SUPPOSED TO BE OK WITH THAT?
im stunned.
i dont know why i can never see these things coming.
its no surprize to anyone else.
but it totally and compeletly rips my heart to shreds.
i can sit in here and cry all i want.
im glad alex is at class cuase i just truned out the lights and closed the blinds.
funny how selfish i am im not thinking about him, but about myself, how i feel about his loss.
perhaps it is true about how selfish human beings are by nature.
i feel like ive been punched in the stomach. i can hardly breathe.
i should be used to it.
the only reason i have black dress clothes is for funerals. i perfer my guard practice clothes.
damned black turtle neck.
i feel awful.
i wish i had huged hinm tighter last time i saw him.
daddy was rushing us out the door.
i was distant.
perhaps the thing that hurt me now is how he was not quite there mentally for most the time ive really known him.
all he knew is lost.
his thoughts dreams hopes and fears, lost.
gone forever.
to be burred with him under 6 feet of cold hard dirt.
i wonder if the groud is frozen like it was for aunt Mo.
it was snowing.
snow is supposed to be happy.
it pissed me off.
maybe everything happy pisses me off right now.
i feel the guilt burning so deep inside me, i feel as if my heart shall simply burn up and vanish and leave me here.
stark black cold.
winter is for death.
i fear the winter cause thats when everyone dies.
PLEASE LET SPRING COME SOON!!!
...please.
i cant take this cold anymore.
RIP Uncle Joe.
you wonderful sweet old man.
may it be warm in heaven.
and may you forgive me someday.
im so sorry.
ill never know when it is time.
i will never know how to say goodbye.
nor it seems, will i have that plesentry.
im so very sorry.
i love you.
he was old and wasnt doing really well, it was expected i guess.
i just wasnt expecting it.
and i really wish my mom wouldnt just email me that...it upsets me.
i hate seeing words so stark and black, so cruel and unsympathetic on the screen, uncaring, cold, words.
i guess her words were kinder than the aim i got ...a year a month and 4 days ago. "Mrs.McBride is dead." thoguh i dont think she bothered to capitalize it even.
or when mom told me about my aunt "Mareen is dead."
WHY AM I JUST SUPPOSED TO BE OK WITH THAT?
im stunned.
i dont know why i can never see these things coming.
its no surprize to anyone else.
but it totally and compeletly rips my heart to shreds.
i can sit in here and cry all i want.
im glad alex is at class cuase i just truned out the lights and closed the blinds.
funny how selfish i am im not thinking about him, but about myself, how i feel about his loss.
perhaps it is true about how selfish human beings are by nature.
i feel like ive been punched in the stomach. i can hardly breathe.
i should be used to it.
the only reason i have black dress clothes is for funerals. i perfer my guard practice clothes.
damned black turtle neck.
i feel awful.
i wish i had huged hinm tighter last time i saw him.
daddy was rushing us out the door.
i was distant.
perhaps the thing that hurt me now is how he was not quite there mentally for most the time ive really known him.
all he knew is lost.
his thoughts dreams hopes and fears, lost.
gone forever.
to be burred with him under 6 feet of cold hard dirt.
i wonder if the groud is frozen like it was for aunt Mo.
it was snowing.
snow is supposed to be happy.
it pissed me off.
maybe everything happy pisses me off right now.
i feel the guilt burning so deep inside me, i feel as if my heart shall simply burn up and vanish and leave me here.
stark black cold.
winter is for death.
i fear the winter cause thats when everyone dies.
PLEASE LET SPRING COME SOON!!!
...please.
i cant take this cold anymore.
RIP Uncle Joe.
you wonderful sweet old man.
may it be warm in heaven.
and may you forgive me someday.
im so sorry.
ill never know when it is time.
i will never know how to say goodbye.
nor it seems, will i have that plesentry.
im so very sorry.
i love you.