(no subject)
Well, I haven't written in this in a long while. I would be surprised if I actually have any friends left on this journal so I must start by apologising to the friends I have left for being such an awful LJ friend! Thanks for keeping me, that really was rather lovely of you. The truth is, I've just been distracted.
Where to start? Well, for anyone who really knows about what was going on with me before I stopped writing I had a problem with eating. Well, I got down to 100lbs but I still wasn't happy, my family and friends staged an intervention and well I got a bit better, and back up to 120lbs. I would never say I had a serious eating disorder, I do really like the idea of being skinny and to me being fat is something to blame when things go wrong in my life. Often I look at myself at the mirror and hate what I see, I just want to be skinnier but I've managed to not feel like that so much for a while.
About six weeks ago me and three friends were just hanging out at night in a sort of garden/park-esque thing in the centre of town. That's when these four boys come along and start talking to us. Anyway, being teenagers we did what teenagers do and I ended up giving one of them head in a grave yard, really classy I know. Now, my friends all really liked their boys but the one I got off with was a bit of a man whore which was fine by me, I wasn't looking for a relationship or anything. Seeing as my friends liked their boys they aranged to meet up with them again and I came along thinking that I could probably just get with the same guy again if I got bored but he wasn't there.
We then aranged to meet them again and this time the boy - whose name is Mike by the way - actually came this time but thats when my other friend Alex who is not friends with my other group of friends came to find me. She was really upset so I went off with her as soon as Mike came along. This is where the problem begins, my friends were all starting to develop relationships with these boys and well, I wasn't.
Then a couple of weeks ago we all went to this party and I ended up kissing John who was sort of seeing Jess. I felt terrible because after that he went off her and apparantly he might like me now. Me and Jess aren't actually that close but I know that she really, really liked John and I ruined their relationship. I am such a stupid whore when I'm drunk and the thing is I gave this other boy head as well at that party. I feel like I have no control of myself.
Then last Friday night I met a new one of their friends called Lloyd. He seemed really into me straight away and spent the night pursuing me. He is also good friends with Mike, now that night I first kissed Mike but then I ended up kissing Lloyd. The worst part was when me, lloyd, my friend Kate and Mike were all sitting on a bench together. I was kissing Lloyd and Kate thought it would be funny to grab my hand and rub it over Mike's crotch. I must have such a reputation as a slag. Anyway, I lost my shoes and Lloyd was so sweet and helped me find them and was helping me because I couldn't even walk. He was holding my hand and everything.
Then the next day on Saturday I went to an all night house party. At first I thought Lloyd wasn't coming because he told Kate that he wasn't but then he turned up, except I didn't see him get on the train because I was drinking vodka in a phone box. Anyway, when I turned up he just came over and put his arm straight away and told me the only reason he came to the party was to see me as he hadn't wanted to go. Thing is, I'm a bit weird about conveying my feelings and other people telling me how they feel about me, it makes me really uncomfortable and awkward. So I kind of twisted out of his arms and went some where else. Eventually though we ended up kissing and stuff but he got seriously fucked off his face and soon threw up and passed out. It was ok because I passed out on the floor as well but John looked after me and found me a bed.
Later when we woke up he would not leave me alone at all, and I gave him head three times and had sex with him in the bathroom. I went in the kitchen of the girl who's party it was and filled up a jug with vodka and just kept drinking it although I had already passed out earlier. And I actually passed out giving him head, I never even knew that was possible. He told me but I just laughed in his face.. how can you love someone you've only known for two days? After he woke me up I told him I just needed to lie down and he sort of made me a bed out of random pillows and clothes but he lay down with me and just kept trying to kiss me but I felt so fucking rough I just wanted to be left alone! Anyway, he asked me to meet up with him after school one day and said I was so sweet. But in the morning I just got up and left him and went to the shop to buy cigarettes. I told him I'd be right back but I left him for hours and then when I saw him again he looked well depressed. I didn't even really say goodbye to him so I really have no idea of what sort of state our relationship thing is in.
Anyway, it's Wednesday now and I still haven't heard a thing for him but we have no way of communicating as I don't have a phone at the moment as it's broken and he doesn't have the internet or anything and we go to different schools. I haven't been able to eat since all this happened so it's been about four days now. I'm shit scared of food, I feel like he might not like me now and food just feels like it's part of the problem. What makes it even worse is my two best friends have their boyfriends from this group and now I feel left out all the time like I can't go out with them anymore.
Wow, this is super long but please someone give me some advice if you read it. I just feel so confused.
Love, Isabella.
Where to start? Well, for anyone who really knows about what was going on with me before I stopped writing I had a problem with eating. Well, I got down to 100lbs but I still wasn't happy, my family and friends staged an intervention and well I got a bit better, and back up to 120lbs. I would never say I had a serious eating disorder, I do really like the idea of being skinny and to me being fat is something to blame when things go wrong in my life. Often I look at myself at the mirror and hate what I see, I just want to be skinnier but I've managed to not feel like that so much for a while.
About six weeks ago me and three friends were just hanging out at night in a sort of garden/park-esque thing in the centre of town. That's when these four boys come along and start talking to us. Anyway, being teenagers we did what teenagers do and I ended up giving one of them head in a grave yard, really classy I know. Now, my friends all really liked their boys but the one I got off with was a bit of a man whore which was fine by me, I wasn't looking for a relationship or anything. Seeing as my friends liked their boys they aranged to meet up with them again and I came along thinking that I could probably just get with the same guy again if I got bored but he wasn't there.
We then aranged to meet them again and this time the boy - whose name is Mike by the way - actually came this time but thats when my other friend Alex who is not friends with my other group of friends came to find me. She was really upset so I went off with her as soon as Mike came along. This is where the problem begins, my friends were all starting to develop relationships with these boys and well, I wasn't.
Then a couple of weeks ago we all went to this party and I ended up kissing John who was sort of seeing Jess. I felt terrible because after that he went off her and apparantly he might like me now. Me and Jess aren't actually that close but I know that she really, really liked John and I ruined their relationship. I am such a stupid whore when I'm drunk and the thing is I gave this other boy head as well at that party. I feel like I have no control of myself.
Then last Friday night I met a new one of their friends called Lloyd. He seemed really into me straight away and spent the night pursuing me. He is also good friends with Mike, now that night I first kissed Mike but then I ended up kissing Lloyd. The worst part was when me, lloyd, my friend Kate and Mike were all sitting on a bench together. I was kissing Lloyd and Kate thought it would be funny to grab my hand and rub it over Mike's crotch. I must have such a reputation as a slag. Anyway, I lost my shoes and Lloyd was so sweet and helped me find them and was helping me because I couldn't even walk. He was holding my hand and everything.
Then the next day on Saturday I went to an all night house party. At first I thought Lloyd wasn't coming because he told Kate that he wasn't but then he turned up, except I didn't see him get on the train because I was drinking vodka in a phone box. Anyway, when I turned up he just came over and put his arm straight away and told me the only reason he came to the party was to see me as he hadn't wanted to go. Thing is, I'm a bit weird about conveying my feelings and other people telling me how they feel about me, it makes me really uncomfortable and awkward. So I kind of twisted out of his arms and went some where else. Eventually though we ended up kissing and stuff but he got seriously fucked off his face and soon threw up and passed out. It was ok because I passed out on the floor as well but John looked after me and found me a bed.
Later when we woke up he would not leave me alone at all, and I gave him head three times and had sex with him in the bathroom. I went in the kitchen of the girl who's party it was and filled up a jug with vodka and just kept drinking it although I had already passed out earlier. And I actually passed out giving him head, I never even knew that was possible. He told me but I just laughed in his face.. how can you love someone you've only known for two days? After he woke me up I told him I just needed to lie down and he sort of made me a bed out of random pillows and clothes but he lay down with me and just kept trying to kiss me but I felt so fucking rough I just wanted to be left alone! Anyway, he asked me to meet up with him after school one day and said I was so sweet. But in the morning I just got up and left him and went to the shop to buy cigarettes. I told him I'd be right back but I left him for hours and then when I saw him again he looked well depressed. I didn't even really say goodbye to him so I really have no idea of what sort of state our relationship thing is in.
Anyway, it's Wednesday now and I still haven't heard a thing for him but we have no way of communicating as I don't have a phone at the moment as it's broken and he doesn't have the internet or anything and we go to different schools. I haven't been able to eat since all this happened so it's been about four days now. I'm shit scared of food, I feel like he might not like me now and food just feels like it's part of the problem. What makes it even worse is my two best friends have their boyfriends from this group and now I feel left out all the time like I can't go out with them anymore.
Wow, this is super long but please someone give me some advice if you read it. I just feel so confused.
Love, Isabella.