we will never be the same.
Well, folks...I'm leaving again...Wednesday morning. It's been almost four months since I last posted a journal entry. It's also been almost a year since I was starting my first year in college. I can't believe I am already a sophomore. I just feel like the older I get, the faster time goes. Sometimes it's good, like during pre-season and hell week, and sometimes it's bad, like thinking back on all of the fun I used to have. Don't get me wrong, I still have fun, but it's just not the same. I keep wishing sometimes that I was young again and I could do everything over again. Not necessarily to do things different, but to just relive certain moments and appreciate them more. Examples: Back-to-school shopping in elementary school and so on. That was always so exciting. Doing math problems from a paperback text book with about 100 pages. It was just the simplicity of it. Staying up all night to finish a science fair project. Waking up every morning and knowing my parents were there. I miss my parents mostly. No, they're still here, but it's different. And it's almost like they know, too. I just wish I was young again and they would take care of me. I really don't like being on my own. Maybe I'm lonely...maybe, but I don't think anyone could fill the void. I definitely don't think a boyfriend could. It's strange, too, because sometimes I think i should get a boyfriend, for my own sake, and then I think "hell no" because I know I couldn't do it. I can't have a significant other. It would really weird me out, I think. I don't even think I like the idea of being in love with someone. I think I am too selfish. I like being in love with life. I don't think I could ever share that with someone. No...I really don't.
It's so hard growing up. It's really been difficult for me, eventhough I don't say anything. It's feels like every decision I make now could come back at me 10-fold. I have been having a hard time sleeping lately, so I am hoping this works. I've also been having these dreams that seem SO real. I mean, I wake up and I am not really sure if what happened was a dream or not. Some of my dreams are real-life situations that could actually come up in my life. It's really strange. And then I wake up REALLY REALLY tired, even if I have had plenty of sleep. I think it's stress. I'm sure that's what any doctor or psychologist would say, too. I always go to bed with so much on my mind. Well, lately at least. This summer has been rough though. My brother's escapade and now rehab. Me having to leave all over again...not knowing what natural and unnatural disasters await me. It's just nice to stop every now and then and know that hopefully you will meet someone along the way that can just look at you and know...and nod their head and smile and laugh with you and cry with you without having to have an expanantion or any reasons at all. But I guess maybe that's what life is about...maybe we are all that person wandering, waiting for someone. And we are all, in return, supposed to be that person that can understand one another with no explanations. Or maybe I am just delirious and emotional. John Donne once said that "No man is an island entire onto himself. All that really means is all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone...
I think I have cried more this summer than I have my entire life. Or maybe more this year than my entire life. Yeah maybe that. I feel like all of these troubles and serious situations await you until you are in college and are able to "comprehend" the world at a higher level. Maybe. Or maybe it's just timing. I don't think I ever went through anything like this in high school. It bothers me...it really does. Hah. Everything in high school was so superficial at times...but that's another day...
I have really started to appreciate the goodness of the South. I have always loved the South. But i have recently realized just how much good the South possesses. It's wonderful. It's just in the air. Sometimes I think I can actually smell it. It's just the feeling of knowing that it's your home. The South is my home...I like that.
I still think about Mikee everyday. It's really hard not to. We had a memorial on his birthday in June. It was nice, but sad of course. It's really hard to try and forget something like that. I'm glad it bothers me, though...I'm glad I think about him a lot and get really sad. I think it's good for me. I think he watches us, too. You, know...sort of like a guardian angel but not really. Just keeping tabs. I think he knows when we are sad about him, too. I think it makes him sad, too. But I'm glad we can share a common emotion. Everytime I see a motorcycle or hear the Red Hot Chili Peppers or Joe Walsh or think about ping pong or that stupid tiger flashlight, I immediately think of Mikee. I remember all the parties he had and how we would all go over to his house all the time and just have fun and enjoy each other and every now and then get a little drunk. Those were such good times. Some of my fondest memories from high school.
I guess I just miss my friend.
All of this...ALL of this is just a fraction about what I think about all the time. I feel old. But I always wake up and tell myself that it's another day. Another day to change something or do something amazing. Another day to tell someone you love them. Another day just to be happy with yourself and try to make something in the world better. But I guess I just an eternal optimist. Haha. Well, hopefully I will have a good sleep tonight. I think this helped a little. A little advice from one crazy person to another...have faith in people. It will surprise you.
-heather xoxo