An Excerpt from the Transcript of the September 22, 2008 Edition of Metatainment Tonight
So . . . apparently, my abilities as a writer, whatever exactly those might be, do not include keeping the elder Winchester brother on his own side of the fourth wall. Which is to say, I come bearing fanfic.
But first, some author's notes.
The Details: About 1000 words, utter insanity, very very mild spoilers for the very beginning of season four. but nothing after the first episode. Parody. PG at most.
The Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any persons, places, events, or other specific works of fiction is purely coincidental. Promise. That said, I, for the record, envision Honey as looking and sounding a lot like Amy Adams. You are, of course, free to envision her anyway you like.
The Blame: This one? varadia's fault.
An Excerpt from the Transcript of the September 22, 2008 Edition of Metatainment Tonight
Sidney Stevens [SS]: Good evening and welcome to Metatainment Tonight. I’m Sidney Stevens. We have quite a full line up for you tonight, so let’s get right to it. First, coming to us live from an unspecified part of the Midwest that looks remarkably like Vancouver, Canada, our own Honey Holland talks to Dean Winchester. Honey?
Honey Holland [HH]: Thanks, Sid. I’m here tonight in an unspecified part of the Midwest that looks remarkably like Vancouver, Canada, and joining me is our guest, supernatural hunter and returnee from the fires of hell, Dean Winchester. Mr. Winchester, it is such a thrill to have you on our show tonight.
Dean Winchester [DW]: Call me “Dean.”
HH: Dean, then. First of all, you know you really don’t need to lean forward to speak into my microphone, the one pinned to your shirt works just as well as the one pinned to mine.
DW: Right. Sorry.
HH: Okay, then. Well, let me say welcome back to Earth. I understand you spent the summer in Hell. I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re so glad you’re out, because as exciting as it is to have the opportunity to chat with you, I really didn’t want to endure the flames of eternal torment just to get a story.
DW: Uh-huh.
HH: So, Hell. How was that?
DW: You know, I really don’t remember it, Honey, but I assume it was . . . hellish.
HH: And do you have anything to add on that, Dean . . . no? Okay, moving on, then. How’s it feel to be back?
DW: Good. You know, or at least okay.
HH: Would you care to elaborate?
DW: Nah. Leave it there.
HH: Well, right, then, um, let’s talk about how you got back. Because I have to say, from what I have read . . . wow what a remarkable and dramatic story. I mean, that has to just be a life-changer.
DW: That’d be one way to put it.
HH: It’s so touching. Your younger brother, Sam, refusing to accept that you’re dam-darned, and tracking down your long lost younger half-sister who is both a Slayer and a Charmed One so that she could get you out of Hell . . . it’s just inspiring, Dean.
DW: Come again?
HH: What?
DW: My what did you say?
HH: Your long lost younger half-sister, Brianna Mary Wilhelmina Harvelle Winchester.
DW: Honey, what the [censored] are you talking about?
HH: Your long lost younger half-sister, Brianna Mary Wilhelmina Harvelle Winchester, who is both a Slayer and a Charmed One? Didn’t she rescue you--?
DW: Lady, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
HH: Huh. Well. Okay, well, clearly some wires got crossed on that one. [HH flips through her index cards.] Let’s move on. So you’ve just found out that long time colleague and family friend Bobby Singer is really your biological father. How has that affected your relationship with him?
DW: The [censored]? Bobby isn’t . . . oh [censored]. No, see, that was fanfic.
HH: What?
DW: These things you’re asking about? They’re from fanfiction. They didn’t really happen. Not, you know, canonically.
HH: Oh. Oh, dear. [HH shuffles through her cards again.] So you’re not also a demonic time-traveling ex-witch named Ruby?
DW: Give me the cards, Honey.
HH: Um. [HH shuffles again, separating one card from the stack, but DW takes the rest before she can ask anything else.]
DW: [DW leans forward to show HH the cards, dropping each one as he finishes with it.] Okay, see that? Yeah, that’s fanfic. And this? Fanfic. Anything involving me, Sam, and those outfits? Fanfic. Me having sex with Bela? Fanfic. Me having sex with Jo? Fanfic. Me having sex with Ellen? Disturbing fanfic. Me having sex with anyone, and I mean anyone, created by Joss Whedon? Fanfic. Me having sex with - okay, that is just sick. Sam giving birth? Fanfic. Animal transformations? Fanfic. Gender-swapping? Fanfic.
HH: I’m . . . this is . . . Dean, I’m . . .
DW: You did all your research on the internet, didn’t you? You’ve never actually seen the show, have you?
HH: You’re on opposite Grey’s Anatomy and Dr. McDreamy is . . . and I kind of figured, you know, two good-looking actors, the CW, how good could it be? Sorry. I’m sure it’s a great show, and . . . um . . .
DW: Well, this is just great.
HH: You know I really wasn’t supposed to do this interview. It was Louie’s, but he went to chat with Clark Kent the other day, and I guess the Daily Planet was really impressed because they hired him and he left without giving notice and I didn’t have a lot of time to prepare, so I sort of . . . [HH sighs] I am very glad that you’re not having sex with, well . . . [HH hands DW the card she is still holding.] That was creepy.
DW: Yeah, let’s never speak of that again.
HH: The problem is, I don’t really know what we should speak of. I don’t know what to do here. My cards are pretty useless and . . .
DW: [DW leans forward] Well, what I think you need to do is learn something about the real canonical Dean Winchester. What do you say when this is over we find a dark, quiet corner of a dark, quiet bar, grab a couple drinks, get to know each other a little better? Or a lot better?
HH: I say . . . [censored] this. Sounds good to me. Back to you, Sid.
SS: . . . no, really? With Marcia? From accounting? I had no idea she was into-we’re back? What do you mean we’re back? [censored] We’re back. Thank you, Honey, for that insightful, if short, interview. Let’s . . . um . . .we’re gonna go to commercial and when we return we’ll have . . . something . . . I . . . [censored].
But first, some author's notes.
The Details: About 1000 words, utter insanity, very very mild spoilers for the very beginning of season four. but nothing after the first episode. Parody. PG at most.
The Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any persons, places, events, or other specific works of fiction is purely coincidental. Promise. That said, I, for the record, envision Honey as looking and sounding a lot like Amy Adams. You are, of course, free to envision her anyway you like.
The Blame: This one? varadia's fault.
An Excerpt from the Transcript of the September 22, 2008 Edition of Metatainment Tonight
Sidney Stevens [SS]: Good evening and welcome to Metatainment Tonight. I’m Sidney Stevens. We have quite a full line up for you tonight, so let’s get right to it. First, coming to us live from an unspecified part of the Midwest that looks remarkably like Vancouver, Canada, our own Honey Holland talks to Dean Winchester. Honey?
Honey Holland [HH]: Thanks, Sid. I’m here tonight in an unspecified part of the Midwest that looks remarkably like Vancouver, Canada, and joining me is our guest, supernatural hunter and returnee from the fires of hell, Dean Winchester. Mr. Winchester, it is such a thrill to have you on our show tonight.
Dean Winchester [DW]: Call me “Dean.”
HH: Dean, then. First of all, you know you really don’t need to lean forward to speak into my microphone, the one pinned to your shirt works just as well as the one pinned to mine.
DW: Right. Sorry.
HH: Okay, then. Well, let me say welcome back to Earth. I understand you spent the summer in Hell. I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re so glad you’re out, because as exciting as it is to have the opportunity to chat with you, I really didn’t want to endure the flames of eternal torment just to get a story.
DW: Uh-huh.
HH: So, Hell. How was that?
DW: You know, I really don’t remember it, Honey, but I assume it was . . . hellish.
HH: And do you have anything to add on that, Dean . . . no? Okay, moving on, then. How’s it feel to be back?
DW: Good. You know, or at least okay.
HH: Would you care to elaborate?
DW: Nah. Leave it there.
HH: Well, right, then, um, let’s talk about how you got back. Because I have to say, from what I have read . . . wow what a remarkable and dramatic story. I mean, that has to just be a life-changer.
DW: That’d be one way to put it.
HH: It’s so touching. Your younger brother, Sam, refusing to accept that you’re dam-darned, and tracking down your long lost younger half-sister who is both a Slayer and a Charmed One so that she could get you out of Hell . . . it’s just inspiring, Dean.
DW: Come again?
HH: What?
DW: My what did you say?
HH: Your long lost younger half-sister, Brianna Mary Wilhelmina Harvelle Winchester.
DW: Honey, what the [censored] are you talking about?
HH: Your long lost younger half-sister, Brianna Mary Wilhelmina Harvelle Winchester, who is both a Slayer and a Charmed One? Didn’t she rescue you--?
DW: Lady, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
HH: Huh. Well. Okay, well, clearly some wires got crossed on that one. [HH flips through her index cards.] Let’s move on. So you’ve just found out that long time colleague and family friend Bobby Singer is really your biological father. How has that affected your relationship with him?
DW: The [censored]? Bobby isn’t . . . oh [censored]. No, see, that was fanfic.
HH: What?
DW: These things you’re asking about? They’re from fanfiction. They didn’t really happen. Not, you know, canonically.
HH: Oh. Oh, dear. [HH shuffles through her cards again.] So you’re not also a demonic time-traveling ex-witch named Ruby?
DW: Give me the cards, Honey.
HH: Um. [HH shuffles again, separating one card from the stack, but DW takes the rest before she can ask anything else.]
DW: [DW leans forward to show HH the cards, dropping each one as he finishes with it.] Okay, see that? Yeah, that’s fanfic. And this? Fanfic. Anything involving me, Sam, and those outfits? Fanfic. Me having sex with Bela? Fanfic. Me having sex with Jo? Fanfic. Me having sex with Ellen? Disturbing fanfic. Me having sex with anyone, and I mean anyone, created by Joss Whedon? Fanfic. Me having sex with - okay, that is just sick. Sam giving birth? Fanfic. Animal transformations? Fanfic. Gender-swapping? Fanfic.
HH: I’m . . . this is . . . Dean, I’m . . .
DW: You did all your research on the internet, didn’t you? You’ve never actually seen the show, have you?
HH: You’re on opposite Grey’s Anatomy and Dr. McDreamy is . . . and I kind of figured, you know, two good-looking actors, the CW, how good could it be? Sorry. I’m sure it’s a great show, and . . . um . . .
DW: Well, this is just great.
HH: You know I really wasn’t supposed to do this interview. It was Louie’s, but he went to chat with Clark Kent the other day, and I guess the Daily Planet was really impressed because they hired him and he left without giving notice and I didn’t have a lot of time to prepare, so I sort of . . . [HH sighs] I am very glad that you’re not having sex with, well . . . [HH hands DW the card she is still holding.] That was creepy.
DW: Yeah, let’s never speak of that again.
HH: The problem is, I don’t really know what we should speak of. I don’t know what to do here. My cards are pretty useless and . . .
DW: [DW leans forward] Well, what I think you need to do is learn something about the real canonical Dean Winchester. What do you say when this is over we find a dark, quiet corner of a dark, quiet bar, grab a couple drinks, get to know each other a little better? Or a lot better?
HH: I say . . . [censored] this. Sounds good to me. Back to you, Sid.
SS: . . . no, really? With Marcia? From accounting? I had no idea she was into-we’re back? What do you mean we’re back? [censored] We’re back. Thank you, Honey, for that insightful, if short, interview. Let’s . . . um . . .we’re gonna go to commercial and when we return we’ll have . . . something . . . I . . . [censored].