well i guess ill hold my breath. there is no harm in hoping for change
warning: extremely long entry. bare with me if you care to read my ranting.
so this weekend was campinggg
i had fun. i didnt take any pictures because i like memories better and didnt really want to be around my phone.
now i have to do a ton of laundry so i can pack for maine, which i am leaving for thursday morning.
im going with mike and his family. im gonna try to make the best of it. i need every chance to get out of this house and plus i miss him despite how shitty the whole situation has been.
just saying that makes me feel weak. i probably shouldnt hang out with my ex that i still love while im so vulnerable but i didnt sleep for an entire week until he visited me for a half hour one night and then i was fine. so clearly either way i need his friendship. im honestly not worried about any of the complicated stuff. i really dont feel like dealing with it. or i just cant.
so im tired. i didnt sleep too great this weekend. victor and his friends had to leave the second morning because they were chopping down trees for firewood and it was a state forest we were camping in. we almost all got kicked out because of it but we're smooth talkers.
i burned my face an hour before we left. i was premaking pancakes so all i would have to do was heat them in the morning instead of make a mess with batter and all that. there was too much butter in the pan and i flipped the pancake and it splashed onto my face. it missed my eye by like a millimiter so im lucky i turned my head in time. i had my contacts in so plastic wouldve been fused to my eye and i wouldve gone blind. so yeah i appreciated the scenery of camping alot more than usual.
i feel like a jerk because the last time i saw brendan i gave him a dirty look while he was talking to me and i was just short with him and acted uninterested. which was shitty. it was like 3 weeks ago or something at a show but i feel like a dick. he didnt deserve it, it just so happened to have already been one of the worst days of my life. so i think ill call him and apologize.
i miss jordan and james. and craig and john. and naomi alot. lots of other people too. NJ and matt. chris brown. jeff. my brother. kayla. gemma. i saw her for a split second at the beach and before i left. she made me macaroni to take with me camping. shes the best.
i feel ridiculously lazy because i dont have a job. ive been looking and since most nursing homes in the area arent hiring, except for norton which i only called about a dozen times, ill have to work at the hospital which is NOT what i wanted it to come to. hospitals are scary and i know i will have to deal with them anyways eventually but in my current emotional state i really cant handle being around people that are dying or severly ill. cancer patients get me the most. especially little kids. that shit breaks my heart, which is probably a big part of why i want to be a nurse and HELP.
i know im going to be a good nurse, because unfortunate as it can be sometimes i have a big heart, but patients instantly trust me for some reason. when the girls at my school had to work at the nursing home, i had a lithuanian patient that they didnt even know spoke english until i got there. because she trusted me. it fucks with my mind sometimes that i have the ability to help people, because its scary, but at the same time id practically be giving up my life if i didnt put it to use. everyone feels strongly about something. thats mine.
im changing. and its a big change this time. i know its just growing up but i havent been pulled in six thousand different directions of my mind in a long time and its just kind of hitting me hard this time. of course its a given that right when you get comfortable, somethings gonna wake you back up. but i welcome it. im just trying to make the best of it. im not afraid of the future anymore, and hard as it may be, im letting go of the past. trying to let go of more recent pasts as well because i dont want to risk anything else bringing me down.
i decided im gonna live in another country for a year after im finished with college. probably do travel nursing. thats probably the best possibly thing i could do. ill make enough money to own property down there, and considering ill still be paid the equal amount of what id be making in america, my money will go a long way if i choose the country wisely. ill buy property on a beach and rent it every summer. probably do that down the cape too.
im just so looking forward to being out of high school, not dealing with a thousand kids anymore, the majority of which annoy the hell out of me. except awesome career class buddies like lynn.
i need to go check movie times because im going to the imax theatre soon with matt. hes good people. the more death cab for cutie i get to hear the better my life is.
thats another thing. music. sometimes i swear it keeps me alive.
this is mostly for my venting purposes so im not really sorry it was long.
so this weekend was campinggg
i had fun. i didnt take any pictures because i like memories better and didnt really want to be around my phone.
now i have to do a ton of laundry so i can pack for maine, which i am leaving for thursday morning.
im going with mike and his family. im gonna try to make the best of it. i need every chance to get out of this house and plus i miss him despite how shitty the whole situation has been.
just saying that makes me feel weak. i probably shouldnt hang out with my ex that i still love while im so vulnerable but i didnt sleep for an entire week until he visited me for a half hour one night and then i was fine. so clearly either way i need his friendship. im honestly not worried about any of the complicated stuff. i really dont feel like dealing with it. or i just cant.
so im tired. i didnt sleep too great this weekend. victor and his friends had to leave the second morning because they were chopping down trees for firewood and it was a state forest we were camping in. we almost all got kicked out because of it but we're smooth talkers.
i burned my face an hour before we left. i was premaking pancakes so all i would have to do was heat them in the morning instead of make a mess with batter and all that. there was too much butter in the pan and i flipped the pancake and it splashed onto my face. it missed my eye by like a millimiter so im lucky i turned my head in time. i had my contacts in so plastic wouldve been fused to my eye and i wouldve gone blind. so yeah i appreciated the scenery of camping alot more than usual.
i feel like a jerk because the last time i saw brendan i gave him a dirty look while he was talking to me and i was just short with him and acted uninterested. which was shitty. it was like 3 weeks ago or something at a show but i feel like a dick. he didnt deserve it, it just so happened to have already been one of the worst days of my life. so i think ill call him and apologize.
i miss jordan and james. and craig and john. and naomi alot. lots of other people too. NJ and matt. chris brown. jeff. my brother. kayla. gemma. i saw her for a split second at the beach and before i left. she made me macaroni to take with me camping. shes the best.
i feel ridiculously lazy because i dont have a job. ive been looking and since most nursing homes in the area arent hiring, except for norton which i only called about a dozen times, ill have to work at the hospital which is NOT what i wanted it to come to. hospitals are scary and i know i will have to deal with them anyways eventually but in my current emotional state i really cant handle being around people that are dying or severly ill. cancer patients get me the most. especially little kids. that shit breaks my heart, which is probably a big part of why i want to be a nurse and HELP.
i know im going to be a good nurse, because unfortunate as it can be sometimes i have a big heart, but patients instantly trust me for some reason. when the girls at my school had to work at the nursing home, i had a lithuanian patient that they didnt even know spoke english until i got there. because she trusted me. it fucks with my mind sometimes that i have the ability to help people, because its scary, but at the same time id practically be giving up my life if i didnt put it to use. everyone feels strongly about something. thats mine.
im changing. and its a big change this time. i know its just growing up but i havent been pulled in six thousand different directions of my mind in a long time and its just kind of hitting me hard this time. of course its a given that right when you get comfortable, somethings gonna wake you back up. but i welcome it. im just trying to make the best of it. im not afraid of the future anymore, and hard as it may be, im letting go of the past. trying to let go of more recent pasts as well because i dont want to risk anything else bringing me down.
i decided im gonna live in another country for a year after im finished with college. probably do travel nursing. thats probably the best possibly thing i could do. ill make enough money to own property down there, and considering ill still be paid the equal amount of what id be making in america, my money will go a long way if i choose the country wisely. ill buy property on a beach and rent it every summer. probably do that down the cape too.
im just so looking forward to being out of high school, not dealing with a thousand kids anymore, the majority of which annoy the hell out of me. except awesome career class buddies like lynn.
i need to go check movie times because im going to the imax theatre soon with matt. hes good people. the more death cab for cutie i get to hear the better my life is.
thats another thing. music. sometimes i swear it keeps me alive.
this is mostly for my venting purposes so im not really sorry it was long.