i want out
Well, its official. Ive got screws loose. Sometimes i wonder if talking to some people is really healthy for me, considering how emotional i am. Case in point Abby... every time i talk to her, i remember EVERYTHING that ever happened between us... literally everything, from first meeting to last goodbye. Is that unusual? I don't know. Is it healthy? Probably not. Is it going to change the fact that I messed up? No. Is it going to cause her to give me another chance? No. So why do I remember? It does nothing for me... its just like punching myself in the gut. Why did i fuck something up that was so perfect? I'll never really know I don't think. Why can't I just give up on her... its obvious she doesnt want me back...? Again, I'll probably never know.
I know i've got issues when i can't even understand myself and why i feel what i feel when i feel it... when i wake up in the morning asking myself "Who am i?". There was a time that i woke up every day with a smile and hope for a new day... but anymore, i wake up every day thinking about how much of a hassle life is. I plaster this fake smile on my face and go about my life pretending everything is fine, just to come home every day and sit in my room alone wondering where i went wrong. I want to smile for real again... i want to believe that life is good... but i can't. Am I missing something that everyone else has? Most people actually enjoy their senior year... but mine is just one long chore punctuated by moments of heartache. I want the life i used to have... the life where i was actually happy. Whats happened to me???
I know i've got issues when i can't even understand myself and why i feel what i feel when i feel it... when i wake up in the morning asking myself "Who am i?". There was a time that i woke up every day with a smile and hope for a new day... but anymore, i wake up every day thinking about how much of a hassle life is. I plaster this fake smile on my face and go about my life pretending everything is fine, just to come home every day and sit in my room alone wondering where i went wrong. I want to smile for real again... i want to believe that life is good... but i can't. Am I missing something that everyone else has? Most people actually enjoy their senior year... but mine is just one long chore punctuated by moments of heartache. I want the life i used to have... the life where i was actually happy. Whats happened to me???