Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream....
cant sleep. My nose is all stuffy n im breathing out of one nostral ugh. Kelly is snoring like a, i mean sleeping like a baby. I gotta bunch of things running through my head right now, so i figured while im up. Ill get these thoughts out in my journal, maybe ill fall asleep easier.
Its getting colder by the day. I dont like it. The only thing i do like about it is wearing cool scarfs, but thats about it. Things with jose are okay. he rings up my phone a ton, but i kno its just cause he cares bout me, it kinda gets to me though. Hes been saying im acting weird lately, i have been. I dont really kno why. I think i may be retalliating, if so thats not good. He tries his hardest to figure me out, i dont kno how i feel about that, but hes not going to. believe me ive tried. I dont kno how i really feel about anything right now. I dont wanna end things with him, because i dont kno if i like him yet or not. ewww that sounds really bad. its hard to explain. I am still taking things slow with him, but hes right on my back pusing me to move faster, i just wont budge though.
I still have that wall up, and its some how not coming down...
I went to greeley with kelly this weekend. It was fun. It felt good to be surrounded by people i knew, or even reconized. It seems like its been so long. Driving into town, i didnt get that overwelming feeling of anxiety like a usually do, that must be a good sign. I kno i have said this a bajillion times before, but i really am getting over Philip. Philip himself. Im just not over the whole "being alone" part. Its the only thing im not over, and being screwed over. Im still bitter, and i still hold a grudge. I wonder how long it'll be before that goes away... Greeley was fun. and also, much needed. I got really drunk, blew off some steam. Kelly, my love, also got very drunk and blew off steam in her own way. By having a total anxiety attack and walking miles in the freezing weather, later being picked up by paramedics.... *sigh* sometimes i dont kno what im gonna do with that girl...
My dad was also in greeley. He came back to colorado the other night, after a loooong stay in rehab down in oklahoma. Since we were both on our way to hang out with michael, i figured it would be best to put all things aside, and hang out with my lil brother and my dad.... for the first time in years. I was so scared at first, but i figured, what do i have to lose, nothing i didnt have before. I walked in the door and saw my dad, a face i had actually forgotten for awhile. He looked the same, but older, and i could tell that he had done alot of damage to himself. Apparently he looks better than he did before, and im glad. He looks pretty healthy, and he IS sober. which i am so so happy for. Hes a great guy when he's sober. and for once, i think im going to trust him when he say's hes changed. Because for the first tim in a long time, i look at that man, and see my dad. Im so glad we finally talked, and hug weight was lifted off my shoulders, and im actually excited to have him back in my life. The tears that fell from his cheeks when he saw me were genuine, and the hug and kiss he gave me were too. I could feel it. At dinner i noticed he still wears him and lori's wedding ring. She changed our lives...
tomorrow is a big day! i FINALLY get my license hahaha almost 19 years old and barely getting my license. oh well, gotta start somewhere. I hope i pass the written test, im not to worried about the driving test itself. =]
as i lie in bed these this run through my head along with how badly i wanna change the way i live. Im so unhealthy and i hate it. I lay here and makes plans to start jogging, lifting, eating healthy, tak vitamins, quit smoking, drinking ect.... but i never fallow through. For my new years resolution. Im going to try to change the way i live. I wanna get my abs back damn it! =0
1. get gym membership
2.change diet
3. slow alch intake.
4. cut smoking
5. USE GYM MEMBERSHIP!
6. set alarm clock for reasonable time EVERYDAY!
7. be proactive and productive.
too much of my time goes wasted worrying, moaping,and griping about things im unhappy about. im ready to change that. Im a new person, better, stronger, and im going to start to live HAPPIER. XD
life goes on. with or without whoever.
Its getting colder by the day. I dont like it. The only thing i do like about it is wearing cool scarfs, but thats about it. Things with jose are okay. he rings up my phone a ton, but i kno its just cause he cares bout me, it kinda gets to me though. Hes been saying im acting weird lately, i have been. I dont really kno why. I think i may be retalliating, if so thats not good. He tries his hardest to figure me out, i dont kno how i feel about that, but hes not going to. believe me ive tried. I dont kno how i really feel about anything right now. I dont wanna end things with him, because i dont kno if i like him yet or not. ewww that sounds really bad. its hard to explain. I am still taking things slow with him, but hes right on my back pusing me to move faster, i just wont budge though.
I still have that wall up, and its some how not coming down...
I went to greeley with kelly this weekend. It was fun. It felt good to be surrounded by people i knew, or even reconized. It seems like its been so long. Driving into town, i didnt get that overwelming feeling of anxiety like a usually do, that must be a good sign. I kno i have said this a bajillion times before, but i really am getting over Philip. Philip himself. Im just not over the whole "being alone" part. Its the only thing im not over, and being screwed over. Im still bitter, and i still hold a grudge. I wonder how long it'll be before that goes away... Greeley was fun. and also, much needed. I got really drunk, blew off some steam. Kelly, my love, also got very drunk and blew off steam in her own way. By having a total anxiety attack and walking miles in the freezing weather, later being picked up by paramedics.... *sigh* sometimes i dont kno what im gonna do with that girl...
My dad was also in greeley. He came back to colorado the other night, after a loooong stay in rehab down in oklahoma. Since we were both on our way to hang out with michael, i figured it would be best to put all things aside, and hang out with my lil brother and my dad.... for the first time in years. I was so scared at first, but i figured, what do i have to lose, nothing i didnt have before. I walked in the door and saw my dad, a face i had actually forgotten for awhile. He looked the same, but older, and i could tell that he had done alot of damage to himself. Apparently he looks better than he did before, and im glad. He looks pretty healthy, and he IS sober. which i am so so happy for. Hes a great guy when he's sober. and for once, i think im going to trust him when he say's hes changed. Because for the first tim in a long time, i look at that man, and see my dad. Im so glad we finally talked, and hug weight was lifted off my shoulders, and im actually excited to have him back in my life. The tears that fell from his cheeks when he saw me were genuine, and the hug and kiss he gave me were too. I could feel it. At dinner i noticed he still wears him and lori's wedding ring. She changed our lives...
tomorrow is a big day! i FINALLY get my license hahaha almost 19 years old and barely getting my license. oh well, gotta start somewhere. I hope i pass the written test, im not to worried about the driving test itself. =]
as i lie in bed these this run through my head along with how badly i wanna change the way i live. Im so unhealthy and i hate it. I lay here and makes plans to start jogging, lifting, eating healthy, tak vitamins, quit smoking, drinking ect.... but i never fallow through. For my new years resolution. Im going to try to change the way i live. I wanna get my abs back damn it! =0
1. get gym membership
2.change diet
3. slow alch intake.
4. cut smoking
5. USE GYM MEMBERSHIP!
6. set alarm clock for reasonable time EVERYDAY!
7. be proactive and productive.
too much of my time goes wasted worrying, moaping,and griping about things im unhappy about. im ready to change that. Im a new person, better, stronger, and im going to start to live HAPPIER. XD
life goes on. with or without whoever.