The amount of tears I shed, will be the amount of effort I put in
I wonder how many times I've cried myself to sleep
suppressing the choking sobs, calming the irregular breathing
everyone has a sob story to tell.
It's tough now that junior college has ended and university hasn't started. The only thing that I'm possibly preoccupied with, is work. Other than that, because everyone else is busy with school or work or army, I have a lot of alone time.
Alone time to think.
And all of a sudden reality hits me again, and I can't help but hate myself.
Hate myself for always escaping from my family to my friends,
always putting on a cheery face and a completely different attitude towards my friends compared to my family...
...but I can't help it.
After that short meetup yesterday with some of the girls in CLAN it made me feel so much aware of how alone I am. Right now, at this moment anyway.
And I feel so ashamed for acting this way, because I am the only one who gets to decide how I act towards different people, yet sometimes I think I treat my family worse than my friends.
Why.
Of course there are people I don't like in my family itself and perhaps that's a big part which made me who I am today. Sometimes, I'm so envious of families who are so chummy, and of friends who can conveniently tell and consult their parents about life and stuff.
Possibly, my stubbornness has made me the way I am, always keeping things to myself, always trying to search for solutions myself, not largely because of my pride to not depend on others, but because of this instinct of mine not to trouble others.
I....
I know I still need to put in a lot of effort to change the way I am now, and I cannot predict how the next stage of my life will be. No matter how hard I try to suppress my feelings, the only thing I can control after all, I think, is my studies. I constantly tell myself, 'how I wish I could grow up sooner and then buy a house to provide for mummy daddy popo bro sis' and then again I'm so afraid of growing up, of having to meet new challenges, of having to come face to face with the root causes of problems.
I am really childish, huh.
I still need preparation into this new world, and I still need to hang in there. Because when I grow up, it'll be my siblings and my turn to take care of the elder generation. I can't always depend on others. I'm a growing individual.
For that, the amount of tears I shed will be the amount of strength and courage I will strive to put in everything.
Steadying my breath, I slowly close my eyes.
The sound of shuffling, indicating human activity, rustles and disturbs my sleep.
It's a new morning.