Remembrance
A while ago, possibly around this time or later last year, we had a dispute which ended up with both of us in tears.
You asked me, why don't you want a new bed?? It's for your own good and it'll be easier for you to study.
Obstinately, I refused for whatever reasons - refusal to acknowledge that I'm gonna be staying here for long, the nagging feeling that its just gonna be another waste of money, pride not to always depend on others - whatever the reason. It's been such a long time since my raw emotions had shown, and it's because of you that I somehow couldn't control my tears, my voice trembling, hiccuping, barely able to cough out what I've always wanted to ask.
'Why can't we live in a house of our own? OUR own.' Without having to face the temper and wrath of others, putting up with people we dislike, having to squeeze and compromise, compromise, and always compromise.
Logically speaking, I know it's childish to think like that. I was 18 then. I knew everything, but not everything.
I saw the look on your face.
The disappointment, bitter, resentment, sorrow, all at once and for a moment I regretted what I had said. But I'm glad I revealed my feelings, especially during such an important year last year, preparation of A's.
To others it may seem trivial, but personally such domestic things have to even be debated, baffles me sometimes.
But I know we can't help it.
You popped the question. 'If you really want to live in our own house....I could...divorce dad...'
I'd never thought about that before. Although throughout my adolescence and even till now, I don't see him nor interact with him much due to circumstances (complicated. Sigh. But I guess every family has its own problems), I'd never entertain the thought of having an incomplete family. At least, under the eyes of others and on legal papers. Never.
My mind was in a whirl. Inside, my brain was racing so hard that I confused myself with my own thoughts; I couldn't believe what you had proposed. I cried and cried and cried.
But it came to me that such a sacrifice on your part was needless. Rather, now is the time that I needed to be more thoughtful and less selfish. Less ignorant. More helpful. More understanding. Lessen my angst.
After all, half your life you've been slogging and you still are right now, even if others think I'm rich because of the things I might acquire just like anyone else in a middle income family would, just because. People go by appearances and impressions, that I cannot blame.
I came to a conclusion. Choking back my own tears, I told you that your relationship has nothing to do with what I desire, after all it's not just about me. Relationship and having a house I guess, though in some part of me kept nagging at me that these two are intertwined.
But if you can make sacrifices, why can't I?
Till now, I still feel so helpless in the deep dark sea of society. Even though my interactions with JC mates and awave has indeed widened my horizons, I still feel so small and minute. And unknowing of what's really going on.
I'm so sorry I can't be so truthful to you always, because I'm not the type of person to openly express my feelings face to face. Somewhat, it's embarrassing and I don't know what to say, I can only jot down these things and craft it out in these entries. But I do love you. And I do care about you, because you and popo and sis and bro and dad are all I have. Blood runs thick even if I may whine and complain.
I will work hard. I will. One step at a time, no matter whether the path ahead is filled with thorns, booby traps or whether I will drown. But when I was small I nearly drowned and seehow I managed to save myself, lol. No matter how small a chance, I will grab hold and not let go. I promise.
I'll become a daughter you're proud of.
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