9 more months;
Hi.
Today is the last day of January. First up, I feel really bad that I haven't been able to complete Going Home chapter 2. Or even develop ideas for the next few chapters. Sigh.
If anyone reads them anyway D:
Sigh so.....I'm 18 now. Older? Wiser? I don't know. January has just passed by in a whirl....it's confusing and shitty as hell, I assure you.
And without joline joonice and stalker, the class just...feels so small and empty now. Sigh. ....well I'm glad they're not taking it that hard, but after today's 'half' clan outing...I really miss them. In a lot of ways.
Talking to them, rushing to complete homework with them, bitching with them, grouping with them, walking home, taking the bus, going out for lunch......
I miss having everyone. Like the whole clan together, goofing around and totally dominating the class (LOL). Le sigh.
Selfish of me, but....that's how I really feel D:
Lessons are such a chore now. So much to catch up. Time is running short. Cca is bombarding me and taking up a lot of my time. I really wanna go Venice but I haven't confirmed with my mum yet......and I'm having doubts myself. Do I really think I can cope after missing 10 days of school? I- I don't know, seriously. And the thought of telling Ms Choy face to face about it (kuz she says studies > cca anytime LOL)....omfg she's such a scary but effective bitch. In every sense possible? ....blah.
And I have like seriously no life. Even worse than last year....kinda regret not spending enough effort to catch up with my J1 work while I had the chance D: and because I just scrapped through (even though everyone says I 'officially promoted', seriously I'm NOT up to standard. At all. Feel so inferior in class zzz.)
I MISS FANGIRLING. AND RANDOM ARASHICK CRACK.
And most of all I miss #agepoyowave ;A; ate arashian fandom too....................omg.
9-10 more months.
Can I really cope with this?
Insecurities.
And...idk if you'll read this (don't think so) but nevertheless. I love you, really, so please don't do anything so...scary anymore. It scares me how much you're thinking too much. It scares me to think that I could wake up one day laughing for the whole day, and the next I don't find you anymore. Not breathing. It scares me, seriously. Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe I just need someone to confide in. But, idk. I just hope that you don't give up so easily....these 10 years I've seen you changed and transformed so much, so different from our primary school selves. We were young and foolish once. Today, again, we are still young and foolish. We make mistakes. We learn from them. We make mistakes again. We learn from them too. But...I don't know. I cannot imagine living in a work without you....as lovesick as it sounds. I miss you, really I do. I miss crapping with you. Bitching. Talking about life. About friends. About- anything, really. I- I just- I don't know. I just don't want to lose you...
When you told me, at first it didn't register in my head. I- I just wished I had given you your birthday present earlier, maybe that would've given you some hope? But- I don't know. More than hurt, I feel remorse. Regret for not noticing. Not picking up the hints. Not even asking.....I seriously feel guilty about that, constantly bitching and complaining like an asshole about my stupid life, blinded by my stupid problems and..just not bothering. I don't know. I really miss you.
After that I just silently broke down and you told me not to cry. How could I not........you were my one and only trust. My pillar of support. As much as I'm (mentally) 'strong', I- I don't know. I need someone too. And it's hard I know, to keep this connection. After all we nearly lost it in lower secondary...but really.
I'm just so glad.
So glad you're still alive.
For the first time, I thank God. For bringing you back. Thank you.
Ps: .....sorry for the long ass post. I just needed to rant. :/
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