i hate making big decisions...a.k.a "why i always procrastinate"
it feels like all i have been doing for the past month is trying to make major decisions...for me, for matt, for my kids...the list of things to consider and make choices about has been seemingly unending. and i hate making decisions. i am a middle child, a peace-lover, a true flighty sagitarrius. the problem is, so is matt. and so this process is almost unbearable as we waffle back and forth, oscilating wildly between total certainty that we've come to the correct conclusion and mad panic that we definitely made the wrong choice.
we have handled one decision, and I for one am thrilled with the result. not stepping all the way out, but i will say that any girlie vibes people want to send my way in the next few months would be MUCH appreciated;)
the next major decision is school for the kids. as of now, gordon and gus are enrolled at a local montessori school for the summer program and the fall term. i decided to keep gus "back" a year and let him repeat kindergarten--partly b/c he didn't complete their kindergarten curriculum, and partly b/c i really like sending him to school. now, even writing that nearly brings on a panic attack for me. i have always intended to homeschool my children completely--especially considering that i am none to pleased with the educational options where we live. but, i have struggled madly with trying to homeschool nathan, and sort of wonder if my kids would not be better served in a school instead of with me. i have always felt that homeschooling is the best way for children to learn...at least when the mother/father is capable of teaching them what they need to know. that's the problem...i feel that I am failing b/c i don't seem able to provide structure. it's just not my thing--i strongly dislike a lot of structure, so i avoid it. still, for my kids i think it's important. so we are trying to figure out if we are going to send nathan to school. i am looking into some options, but my favorite one is a 45min-1hour drive (one way)-YIKES! uggghhh...i hate decisions.
matt's job is also another quandry. he has a job, it pays good money. he doesn't like it. i think he should look elsewhere--he's had lots of offers--but then, that's more to consider, too :SIGH:
oh, and i am considering starting to take some classes also. just a few here or there for now as i think i will be busy over the next year or so. but i am considering going back to school to become a CNM. it's not the ideal model of midwifery that i would want to practice, but it seems to be a way to positively influence many women in their childbirthing years. but, should i even be a midwife if i can't make simple life choices for myself? do i even really want to do it or am i looking for a "job" to validate myself?
we have handled one decision, and I for one am thrilled with the result. not stepping all the way out, but i will say that any girlie vibes people want to send my way in the next few months would be MUCH appreciated;)
the next major decision is school for the kids. as of now, gordon and gus are enrolled at a local montessori school for the summer program and the fall term. i decided to keep gus "back" a year and let him repeat kindergarten--partly b/c he didn't complete their kindergarten curriculum, and partly b/c i really like sending him to school. now, even writing that nearly brings on a panic attack for me. i have always intended to homeschool my children completely--especially considering that i am none to pleased with the educational options where we live. but, i have struggled madly with trying to homeschool nathan, and sort of wonder if my kids would not be better served in a school instead of with me. i have always felt that homeschooling is the best way for children to learn...at least when the mother/father is capable of teaching them what they need to know. that's the problem...i feel that I am failing b/c i don't seem able to provide structure. it's just not my thing--i strongly dislike a lot of structure, so i avoid it. still, for my kids i think it's important. so we are trying to figure out if we are going to send nathan to school. i am looking into some options, but my favorite one is a 45min-1hour drive (one way)-YIKES! uggghhh...i hate decisions.
matt's job is also another quandry. he has a job, it pays good money. he doesn't like it. i think he should look elsewhere--he's had lots of offers--but then, that's more to consider, too :SIGH:
oh, and i am considering starting to take some classes also. just a few here or there for now as i think i will be busy over the next year or so. but i am considering going back to school to become a CNM. it's not the ideal model of midwifery that i would want to practice, but it seems to be a way to positively influence many women in their childbirthing years. but, should i even be a midwife if i can't make simple life choices for myself? do i even really want to do it or am i looking for a "job" to validate myself?