(no subject)
Don't have anywhere else to talk about this; can't do it on my forums, cuz art communities are no place for my innane non-art rambling, and FaceBook is kinda the point of the whole issue, so I can't vent there either. Ah well. Sorry LiveJournal. Once again I come to you with a problem. LOL
I'm wondering if my sister keeping an "engaged" status on her FaceBook as a joke should be bothering me as much as it is. Prolly not. I shouldn't be taking a site seriously when half of what's there is hogwash. If someone can make a page for their dog, or for their favorite Pep Boys mascot, I shouldn't let that bother me.
Then again when you get to the heart of the issue, I'm not really bothered by THAT, specifically. I mean, sure, I'm worried that family members will see the change and flip out. I know at least Dad and Tina probably will. (And there's that tiny part of me that's like "that's super serious business not to played with, and if I'm not engaged, then you can't be either" cuz I'm totally mature like that. 9_9 )
I suppose I'm more bothered with just a lot of pent-up worry for her in general. Like this kinda comes hand-in-hand with all her recent love and boyfriend-related "Likes" and posts. I know she's not me, and I'm really hoping that she's smarter than I was about sex and all that. But I also know that probably the only thing keeping me from such things at her age was because I didn't have anyone who expressed that sort of interest in me. I mean, at age 16 when I finally DID have someone asking for sex, I dove right in with barely any hesitation (Or rather, allowed him to dive in. Hurhurhur). I worry that with her not only being 14 and developing an interest, but also being presented opportunities and invitations, that she'll dive right in too.
This also comes with this surge of over-protectiveness since hearing about Dad. I know she's developing the same complex that I did; rabidly seeking out male approval to make up for Dad being fucked up. Unfortunately there's a short list of things the guys she's around will want, and all are things she shouldn't be doing. Again, my advantage was that at her age I had an opportunity to leave and halt that whole process before it got too bad. She's stuck with Dad for at least another 4 years, and who knows how much worse it can get in that time.
I know she's trying drugs. Soft drugs, but nonetheless, she's already looking for an escape. And yet again, my advantage was that I didn't have many friends, so all of my distractions I had to invent myself through my books and drawing. She's got a world of temptation around her and a strong urge to feel like she's got her shit in order. I don't want anyone to take advantage of that.
I wanna beat the shit outta the kid who asked her to be his sex-buddy. Why the fuck would you go to a 14-year old girl for something like that?! It's fucking gross!
I'll fully admit; my habits on sexual matters have been less-than-acceptable in the past. And I know that in my shame I sorta over-compensate for that now by holding a very strict standard of non-promiscuity and commitment to a serious partner. I admit that to a point I kinda look down on people who behave that way, who treat sex like a free commodity, to be tossed around willy-nilly. Even if you're the kind of person who can emotionally handle it. You just don't do that.
I also wanna beat the shit out of Dad. I want to play out that scene in my head that comes up whenever I think what would happen if I ever got into a fight. Those "anger issues." I want to lose myself in that release of all the aggression and anger I've never been able to express. I want to pluck every bit of sadness and fear and rage I've felt because of him out of my mind and put it in his, even if just for a minute. I want every voice in my head to scream in his face until his ears bleed. I want him to know exactly what he's done to me, and I want him to suffer for it.
Sigh.... I want to stop him from hurting my sister any more. She's too good and too beautiful to be put through that.
.........
I'm listening to "Forces 1.5" and my little mood cat icon is moving in time with the beat. It doesn't take much to cheer me up. LOL
I'm wondering if my sister keeping an "engaged" status on her FaceBook as a joke should be bothering me as much as it is. Prolly not. I shouldn't be taking a site seriously when half of what's there is hogwash. If someone can make a page for their dog, or for their favorite Pep Boys mascot, I shouldn't let that bother me.
Then again when you get to the heart of the issue, I'm not really bothered by THAT, specifically. I mean, sure, I'm worried that family members will see the change and flip out. I know at least Dad and Tina probably will. (And there's that tiny part of me that's like "that's super serious business not to played with, and if I'm not engaged, then you can't be either" cuz I'm totally mature like that. 9_9 )
I suppose I'm more bothered with just a lot of pent-up worry for her in general. Like this kinda comes hand-in-hand with all her recent love and boyfriend-related "Likes" and posts. I know she's not me, and I'm really hoping that she's smarter than I was about sex and all that. But I also know that probably the only thing keeping me from such things at her age was because I didn't have anyone who expressed that sort of interest in me. I mean, at age 16 when I finally DID have someone asking for sex, I dove right in with barely any hesitation (Or rather, allowed him to dive in. Hurhurhur). I worry that with her not only being 14 and developing an interest, but also being presented opportunities and invitations, that she'll dive right in too.
This also comes with this surge of over-protectiveness since hearing about Dad. I know she's developing the same complex that I did; rabidly seeking out male approval to make up for Dad being fucked up. Unfortunately there's a short list of things the guys she's around will want, and all are things she shouldn't be doing. Again, my advantage was that at her age I had an opportunity to leave and halt that whole process before it got too bad. She's stuck with Dad for at least another 4 years, and who knows how much worse it can get in that time.
I know she's trying drugs. Soft drugs, but nonetheless, she's already looking for an escape. And yet again, my advantage was that I didn't have many friends, so all of my distractions I had to invent myself through my books and drawing. She's got a world of temptation around her and a strong urge to feel like she's got her shit in order. I don't want anyone to take advantage of that.
I wanna beat the shit outta the kid who asked her to be his sex-buddy. Why the fuck would you go to a 14-year old girl for something like that?! It's fucking gross!
I'll fully admit; my habits on sexual matters have been less-than-acceptable in the past. And I know that in my shame I sorta over-compensate for that now by holding a very strict standard of non-promiscuity and commitment to a serious partner. I admit that to a point I kinda look down on people who behave that way, who treat sex like a free commodity, to be tossed around willy-nilly. Even if you're the kind of person who can emotionally handle it. You just don't do that.
I also wanna beat the shit out of Dad. I want to play out that scene in my head that comes up whenever I think what would happen if I ever got into a fight. Those "anger issues." I want to lose myself in that release of all the aggression and anger I've never been able to express. I want to pluck every bit of sadness and fear and rage I've felt because of him out of my mind and put it in his, even if just for a minute. I want every voice in my head to scream in his face until his ears bleed. I want him to know exactly what he's done to me, and I want him to suffer for it.
Sigh.... I want to stop him from hurting my sister any more. She's too good and too beautiful to be put through that.
.........
I'm listening to "Forces 1.5" and my little mood cat icon is moving in time with the beat. It doesn't take much to cheer me up. LOL