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(This first part comes from a Myspace message I sent to my friend, which has been edited a bit, and then, under the cut is the letter that Steph will be mailing to Dan for me so that it arrives faster)
I haven't been trying to call Dan every single day, but at least every few days, or maybe even once a week. Last night, my roommate and I went to a pay phone around 1 because I was supposed to call some of my friends at school and wanted to use my calling card. When they didnt pick up, I tried calling Pudgies to say hi to Krissy because I havent talked to her in forever, and the line was busy or something, so I couldn't get through. Then, as a joke, I decided to call Dan, because, well, he NEVER answers his phone, and honestly, I wasn't expecting anything different this time around. So, I dial that ever familiar number, and after 2 rings, I actually hear his voice on the other end. Once I got over my shock, we started talking, but he immediately prefaced the conversation by saying, I can't really talk for long because it's so fucking expensive. I asked him what he meant by that, and he said that his phone bill last month was $180. Now, there's NO way that's my fault. He only picked up the phone once, and the simple act of me CALLING him without him ever answering should not cost him money, and certainly not to the tune of almost two hundred dollars. I tried asking him about work, and about other things, and he was just giving very short answers (which didnt really bother me, since that's the way he is anyways, not a huge talker, at least not on the phone) but he didnt even ask me how I was or about Spain or anything. Then, after a minute or two of me trying to talk and just not getting any real feedback, he said that he had to go since he had to go inside to pay for his gas. Im sorry, but what the FUCK. I mean, I know that most guys dont get very emotional, and I know that about Dan, but I mean, really? I was just so confused about the whole thing, and like I said in the letter, I dont know what exactly I was expecting to happen, but it defintely wasnt that.
And now...
Dear Dan-
I've been in Spain for over a month now, and for over a month, I've been trying to get in touch with you, trying to talk to you, because I at least thought that you would want to keep in some form of contact while I was here. I've called you, I wrote you a letter, and I waited. I waited and waited and I heard nothing. I tried to not call too much, because everyone has been telling me to do the Spain thing and not worry about home and that it'll be there when I get back. But you see, what they don't understand is that I don't want to forget about home, and I don't want to forget about you. And so even though I was discouraged, I kept calling, because I wanted to believe that you wanted to talk to me. So last night, when I finally heard your voice on the other end of the line, I don't know, I guess I was expecting more of a response, more of something. And even though you say that your cell phone bill was a lot this month, I really don't see that as being my fault, because the only things that should have cost you were the one time I texted you, and the one time you picked up the phone when you were at work, and I don't see that adding up to $180 worth of charges.
Now, as I said in my last letter, I don't know what happened between us those last 2 and a half weeks before I came to Spain. I don't know what we were, what we are, or frankly, if it even matters to you. I was under the impression, however, that even though it hadn't been defined, something was happening. I mean, we both said it ourselves: you don't hang out with someone/talk to them every day if they're just your friend. I also thought that we were going to talk about these things before I came here, but for reasons I have yet to figure out, we didn't hang out the last 3 or 4 days that I was home, and when I came to your work to say goodbye, you seemed very indifferent to the fact that I was leaving for 3 and a half months. Maybe I'm reading that wrong, and maybe you do care that I'm gone. But to me, it seems as if my being gone doesn't affect you at all. Now keep in mind, I am in Spain and I am having a good time, but it's hard to have all these thoughts going through my head and not being able to talk to you: the one person who can answer these questions for me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm hurt, Dan. I'm sad and I'm angry and I'm hurt. And maybe you think that's silly, because it's not like we know each other that well yet, and it's not like we were offically anything, and it's not like I even know what's going on inside your head, or like I can pretend to. So then, what do I know? Despite the confusion and the lack of communication, I still like you and still want you to be a part of my life, both while I'm here and when I come home in December. I guess the ball is in your court now, as they say. I won't try calling again, at least for awhile, because I want to hear from you, and what you're thinking. I think at the very least, you owe me that much. I don't know if that has to come in a letter, or if you want to buy a calling card and call me, but I really feel that I deserve that much from you. So, all I'm asking of you is to let me know what you want. If you want me to back off, I will. If you don't want to talk until I come home, that's fine too. But I need to hear from YOU what you want, because until I get that, I'm at a loss.
My address here in Salamanca, again, is:
***
and my phone number is:
***
So, I know I said this in my last letter too, but I'm saying it again. Please, Dan, just tell me what you're thinking/feeling so I know where to go from here.
Rachael