As promised, later Apollo is back in his rooms on board Carrier. He's slept, he's eaten, he's spent time with Jenny and not in that order
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The inevitable can't really be avoided. Only delayed. And, as much as John would like to avoid this conversation altogether, he knew it was best to stop trying to find ways out of it.
He hesitated at the door to Apollo's quarters and shuffled his feet anxiously. In the infinite possibilities of reality and space, he saw absolutely no way that this was going to go well. He took a deep breath and knocked.
It was only after he knocked that he realized how odd the gesture was. He used to share a bed with Apollo. Now, he was worried about intruding on the man's space. He sighed and scrubbed at his face with one hand.
"Hey there." He smiled in return and took a seat on the couch. Part of him almost thought he'd be denied entry. But, that wasn't really in Apollo's nature.
"How are you feeling?" He can tell Apollo isn't back to his normal self yet. But, he's looking a little better.
"Like my brain's at war with itself and I can't trust either side." He moves to the drinks cabinet. "Do you want something? Someone kept my scotch stocked while I was gone."
He pours two glasses with a bit more than he should and brings one over for John, dropping into his armchair to nurse his own.
"Half my brain tells me there wasn't anything before when I stepped out of the Bleed. And I know that's true. Just as much as I know that there was always something else and my life started when I woke up in that room with no windows. Angie said it's sensory deprivation damage and it's only my enhancements keeping me this sane about it."
"I wish I could help. I'm not very good at reconciling realities or keeping people sane." He drank his more slowly. He hadn't had a drink in months and getting hammered now would be a bad thing.
"I'm really glad to see you again." There was genuine feeling in those words.
"She reckons it'll pass. Eventually I'll start remembering the things I know happened but can't remember. Like when Teuton took me. I know it happened. I think it did. But I can't remember it. So maybe it didn't. Hope you don't mind, I'm having another."
He goes and gets another, much more full glass and knocks that back.
"I know. I noticed when I came back here and things looked different."
He watched Apollo pour his drink and down it in one go. He almost envied the ability, but he knew he would abuse it if he had it. Particularly if tequila were involved.
He flinched, but didn't look away. "I thought you were gone forever. Even the Carrier couldn't find you."
"I thought I wasn't real, so I can't really blame you." He doesn't look at John. "I'm not angry. I might be later, when I started remembering everything and th processors haven't kicked in and all I remember it hurt, but right now, I'm not angry. I think I understand."
"If I can not hate my husband for walking on me and leaving me a single father, I think I can manage to not hate you for not having waited for something that statistically wasn't happening."
His fingers traces the rim of the glass. "Just tell me it was more than four weeks and I'll stop being angry when it hits me. And I know it was. In here." He touches his head. "But part of me doesn't believe anything up there anymore."
"No, not four weeks. Almost five months. It wasn't even really a conscious decision. I was here most of the time -- when I wasn't working. Then, gradually, I started staying longer and longer at Longshot's castle in Japan or my home base in Symkaria." He sighed again and looked back up. "It just got too much to be here alone. And it was decided, rightfully so, that the primary care for Jenny should fall to your team. As much as I wanted to call her my own..."
"Apollo... I loved you with everything that I am. The best I knew how. Hell, I still do. I wouldn't have gone away on a whim."
He's still not looking. He staring off somewhere else entirely, at something that probably isn't real except in his mind.
"When you were a cleric, before Nexus. Before everything. You knew who you were, right? You knew who you were, as a definition in your soul and heart and mind and you just- wife, friends, all that aside, you were you. Yeah?"
"I... thought I did. Looking back now, I think that maybe I did know. I just couldn't fully process it or what it meant until I was free of the drug." He frowned thoughtfully and scuffed the toe of one boot against the other heel.
"I have a difficult time establishing the line between 'John' and 'Dad, friend, lover, guy with a gun'. But, I'm getting better at it, I think." If nothing else, that one good thing did come of being separated from Apollo for so long. He had been forced to reevaluate himself as an individual again.
Even when Midnighter left, he'd been Apollo who looks after Jenny and John and Sam and he'd been part of the team and he was Apollo of the Authority.
"I don't know who Apollo is. That kind of scares me. I think, he's probably someone who will do fine on his own, but I don't know. My existence has been defined around other people. I think I need a chance to change that. Explore who I am. When I'm on my own and just a father, not a father 'and'."
He hesitated at the door to Apollo's quarters and shuffled his feet anxiously. In the infinite possibilities of reality and space, he saw absolutely no way that this was going to go well. He took a deep breath and knocked.
It was only after he knocked that he realized how odd the gesture was. He used to share a bed with Apollo. Now, he was worried about intruding on the man's space. He sighed and scrubbed at his face with one hand.
This was going to hurt.
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He stands up, carefully lifting Jenny up and moving her into her bedroom while John comes in.
He still doesn't look quite right. His gaze is still just a touch too dull and unfocused for Apollo, but he does smile when he sees John. "Hi."
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"How are you feeling?" He can tell Apollo isn't back to his normal self yet. But, he's looking a little better.
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He stretched his legs out in front of him and crossed them at the ankles. He looked more relaxed than he truly felt.
"Is there anything I can do to help ease the conflict?"
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"Half my brain tells me there wasn't anything before when I stepped out of the Bleed. And I know that's true. Just as much as I know that there was always something else and my life started when I woke up in that room with no windows. Angie said it's sensory deprivation damage and it's only my enhancements keeping me this sane about it."
He holds up his glass and then drains it.
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"I'm really glad to see you again." There was genuine feeling in those words.
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He goes and gets another, much more full glass and knocks that back.
"I know. I noticed when I came back here and things looked different."
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He watched Apollo pour his drink and down it in one go. He almost envied the ability, but he knew he would abuse it if he had it. Particularly if tequila were involved.
He flinched, but didn't look away. "I thought you were gone forever. Even the Carrier couldn't find you."
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His fingers traces the rim of the glass. "Just tell me it was more than four weeks and I'll stop being angry when it hits me. And I know it was. In here." He touches his head. "But part of me doesn't believe anything up there anymore."
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"Apollo... I loved you with everything that I am. The best I knew how. Hell, I still do. I wouldn't have gone away on a whim."
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He's still not looking. He staring off somewhere else entirely, at something that probably isn't real except in his mind.
"When you were a cleric, before Nexus. Before everything. You knew who you were, right? You knew who you were, as a definition in your soul and heart and mind and you just- wife, friends, all that aside, you were you. Yeah?"
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"I have a difficult time establishing the line between 'John' and 'Dad, friend, lover, guy with a gun'. But, I'm getting better at it, I think." If nothing else, that one good thing did come of being separated from Apollo for so long. He had been forced to reevaluate himself as an individual again.
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Even when Midnighter left, he'd been Apollo who looks after Jenny and John and Sam and he'd been part of the team and he was Apollo of the Authority.
"I don't know who Apollo is. That kind of scares me. I think, he's probably someone who will do fine on his own, but I don't know. My existence has been defined around other people. I think I need a chance to change that. Explore who I am. When I'm on my own and just a father, not a father 'and'."
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