High Threat Gamers
Rumors circulate that "video game and school shooting expert" Jack Thompson will soon be turning his attention to Nintendo after discovering that in the 1996 game Super Mario 64, the main character, Mario, picks up Bob-ombs (explosive devices with cartoonish eyes designed to desensitize children) and hurls them with little or no regard to the well-being of surrounding persons or property. "Mario," claims Thompson, "is an electronic version of Emperor Hirohito and the spearhead behind Japan's 'Pearl Harbor 2', a clandestine campaign to corrupt the youth of America." According to Thompson, we should expect to see massive bombings throughout the country in imitation of Mario's blatant disregard for law and order. "It doesn't stop with bombings," continues Thompson, "in his games, Mario advocates arson, reckless driving and assault with household objects such as fans and hammers." When reminded that the game was released over a decade ago, Thompson fervently replied, "Gamers cannot and will not give up their addictions. They will continue to play these same games the rest of their lives." Thompson initially lobbied to ban Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64 and Super Smash Brothers for the Nintendo 64, but redirected his efforts when informed that none of them games are currently in production, nor is the system, having been phased out with the introduction of Nintendo's GameCube in 2001, itself phased out of production in 2006 by Nintendo's seventh generation system, the Wii. Thompson is reported planning to sue Japanese game designer Shigeru Miyamoto for corrupting America's youth by desensitizing children to violence at a younger age with the intention of causing mass rioting and chaos to destabilize the United States' infrastructure in order to make America more susceptible to invasion by the Japanese military.