Fic: The Way You Are - Part 2 (I)
Title: The Way You Are
Fandom/Pairing: Football RPF; Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso
Rating: R
Length: 9,857 words
Summary: Part 2 of 2. High School AU. Steven Gerrard’s life is the definition of miserable before he meets Xabi Alonso. But not all of us are meant to be saved from circumstance.
A/N: I’m sorry this reads like a soap opera. All mistakes are my own, obviously none of this is true.
Part One is HERE
It’s cold outside and there is a faint drizzle but Xabi stands at the edge of the sea with his jeans rolled up to his knees. He hugs his jacket tighter to him and breathes in the familiar scent of home. It feels like the space inside his head is a cluttered mess. He feels stifled and he wants to be able to breathe again, wants this weight on his chest to disappear. But even as he stands on the beach where he has so often played football as a boy, Xabi cannot manage to push the events from that Christmas morning out of his mind.
“Xabier! What are you doing out there?” Xabi’s brother’s voice is carried away by the wind. He joins Xabi at the water’s edge and slings an arm around his shoulder, “You have been sulking since you got here. Is it that bad being home?”
“Of course not, Jon” Xabi tries to pass off coolly, “I just have a lot of things on my mind, you know. I will have a lot of work to do when I get back home”
“You mean, when you get back to Liverpool?”
“Yes, that is what I said” Xabi says, confused
Jon smiles knowingly before nudging Xabi gently in the side, “Lets go into the house. You can have a drink. You haven’t been drinking in England, have you? I know what the kids there are like!”
Xabi rolls his eyes but grins before saying, “You know me, Jon. All work and no play!”
“Ah, some things will never change my dear Xabier” Jon leads Xabi back inside and hands him a beer with a wink
Xabi uncaps the bottle and smiles wistfully at the people celebrating in his house. He has missed this: his parents, the smell of home-cooked Spanish food, Nagore… Nagore!
Xabi trips over his feet when he sees her and she laughs as she comes over to give him a hug.
“How much have you missed me?” she asks, placing a kiss on his cheek as he blushes slightly
“Unreasonable amounts” he responds and he takes her hand so he can lead her away from the noise and upstairs to the quiet of his old room
“Wow, this feels… different” she says, stepping over his suitcase and making space on his bed for her to sit
“It has been a long time” Xabi nods, feeling all too awkward all of a sudden - like his legs are too long for his body.
“How is Liverpool?” she asks eagerly and he shrugs, “Good. Cold. A lot of work”
Her eyes narrow at his short response and she studies him carefully, resting her chin on her hand, “What’s wrong Xabi?”
“Why would you think anything is wrong?” Xabi can’t help the nervous tone that slips into his voice
“Have you met a girl? Is that it? You can tell me, Xabi - it’s fine! I promise not to cry or get jealous or anything like that”
Xabi smiles once again at her warmth and enthusiasm. She is just as he remembered her. But how - how - can he tell her this? How can he say: Nagore, you and I were together for a long time but the other day I kissed a boy. I kissed him because I wanted to. Because sometimes I can’t breathe when I’m around him. And I don’t know how to deal with any of it. I didn’t know it was possible to feel the things that I keep feeling. How can he look her in the eye and say that?
He sighs and goes to sit beside her; rests his head on her shoulder, “Do you ever wish that we had stayed together?”
“Xabi…” she starts reluctantly
“No, I mean, I’m not saying we should get back together. Just… do you wonder, at all?”
She shrugs, “I don’t know. Would you hate me if I said ‘no’? I love you, Xabi but you and me - it wasn’t right, was it? At first, yes, I thought we had made a horrible mistake and I kept thinking I should call you and I would pretend we had never agreed to take a break and of course, you would just go along with it. You would pack a picnic basket and bring me flowers and we would do what we always do. But then… I moved on. When you were away, I went out on dates. I’m not with anyone at the moment but it was nice, you know. Different. But nice.” She gives his thigh a squeeze, “You will meet someone one day. I bet she will be blonde and have one of those horrible English accents”
Xabi chuckles, “You think?”
She nods assuredly before pulling him into a hug, “All in good time, Xabi”
He can only close his eyes and grip her tighter.
***
JANUARY
He has only been away for a week but Xabi greets the foggy Merseyside air with a smile. The concrete grey buildings that house the school’s boarders look like prison cells but Xabi trundles up the stairs to his room eagerly, lugging his bag alongside him. Its very early in the morning so he is surprised to see a figure slumped just outside his door next to a silver flask of what he assumes is coffee.
Xabi’s heart stops at the sight of Stevie asleep on his doorstep. His hair is mussed and there are circles beneath his eyes that tell of sleepless nights. Xabi prods Stevie gently with the toe of his foot and he jerks awake almost immediately.
“I’m up- I’m up- I’m up” he mutters dazedly before rubbing circles into his eyes. He blinks once or twice to adjust his eyesight to the morning light and then gasps when he realises Xabi is standing right in front of him, “Xabi!”, he jumps to his feet and the Spaniard cannot help but smirk slightly though his stomach feels like a caged butterfly nest.
“Stevie, what are you doing here?” he asks, sounding subdued and slightly afraid
Stevie gulps and wipes his hands against his jeans before continuing nervously, “Well, I didn’t know what day you were going to be back. Because- I mean- I knew you were leaving but I didn’t exactly… speak to you before you left so I wasn’t sure about timings and things so I slept here last night and the night before. I just… wanted to be here once you got back” Stevie’s eyes keep darting about as though he’s determined for his gaze to remain on anything but Xabi
Xabi’s mouth is open in shock, “You’ve been sleeping outside my door for the past two days? Are you insane?! Its freezing!”
Stevie turns a deep shade of red as he fists his hands inside the pockets of his jacket. He mumbles something before clearing his throat and looking Xabi straight in the eye, “Mate we need to… we need to talk”
Xabi feels his mouth go dry but he nods, “Come inside”
His room is spotless because of the clean-up he did before leaving so he tosses his bag in a corner and settles on his bed wearily. Stevie stands shiftily by the door, “How was Spain?”
Xabi cannot help but smile at Stevie’s attempt at normal conversation, “It was nice being back. But Stevie you wanted to talk and I think its best that we do that too so just… talk”
Stevie pauses and takes a deep breath, “Xabi, I’m crap at saying things and telling people how I’m feeling. Its why- Its why I like you so much because you just get it. And that’s the thing! This entire week: I’ve felt like utter shit and not just because of what happened on Christmas. I… I missed you, Xabi. For fucks sake, you were only gone for a bloody week. And I kept thinking: you need to think about how you’re gonna sort things out with Xabi once he gets back. But all I could think was… I miss him”
Xabi looks up in awe, “I missed you too, Stevie”
“And I don’t… I don’t want to lose your friendship and fuck, I know I sound like such a girl but can we still be friends? Is that ok?” Stevie bites his lip hard enough to draw blood
“Of course that’s ok” Xabi replies though his heart aches and he isn’t even sure why
Stevie exhales shakily and runs a hand through his hair, “Good.” Xabi gets up tentatively to give him a hug. Its awkward as they wrap their arms around each other and Stevie presses his nose into Xabi’s shoulder. They pull away slightly and then - before Stevie even has time to grasp what he’s about to do - he smashes his mouth against Xabi’s. Xabi gasps as Stevie gives him a bruising, passionate kiss. He twines his fingers through Stevie’s hair to tug him even closer as they move against each other and break - breathless and panting.
“God, I’ve wanted to do that so badly” Stevie whispers, he feels dizzy and high and drunk and-
“Really? You’re not going to run away screaming like a crazy person again?” Xabi sniggers despite himself. Stevie’s lips are just a few inches away and he’s desperate to press his own against them again
“I’m sorry”, Stevie closes his eyes and presses his forehead against Xabi’s, “I was scared. I’ve never felt like this - about anyone, let alone another bloke”
Xabi pulls away so he can look Stevie directly in the eye, “You think I have? Stevie, this is completely new to me too. I’m just as scared as you. But I know- I want you. It scares me how much I want you”
Stevie kisses him again then - a quick flurry pressed hard against his lips and then he buries his face in the crook of Xabi’s neck so he can whisper against the skin there, “So how does this work, then? Do I ask you out? Do I need to call beforehand and say ‘Xabi, would you like to see a movie with me?’”
Xabi laughs and pets Stevie’s hair gently before easing away from him, “Maybe we just keep doing what we’ve been doing all this time. Except now I get to do this…” he leans forward and nips at Stevie’s lower lip with his teeth, “whenever I want to”
Stevie grins, “That is a good plan.”
“Right?”
*
The school’s football field is slicked with rain. The school team had attempted to train on it when it began to pelt down heavily, soaking all the players through their shirts. They had headed inside the gym to play on the hard wooden floor with their obviously bored coach too busy flipping through a magazine to referee. Xabi tackles Stevie and he comes down hard, bringing Xabi down with him. They fall on top of one another in a pile with an emphatic OOMPH.
“Get off me” Stevie murmurs mildly as Xabi sprawls over him, faces dangerously close
“I like being on top of you” Xabi whispers teasingly
Stevie chuckles, “You’re so fucking cheesy” Xabi sticks his tongue out in response and Stevie has to resist the urge to bite it.
“What are you two doing?” Carra shouts from a corner of the room, “Get up! We’re in the middle of a game”
Xabi smirks before picking himself up and then giving Stevie a hand too. He can’t help the way he looks at him. He knows all the other guys are probably wondering what the fuck is going on but he cant be bothered to care. He loves their knowing glances, being able to graze Stevie’s bare skin with his fingers when no one is looking, Stevie’s whispered breath against his ear.
The coach lazily whistles to signal that the match is over and they should all shower and change. “Gerrard, Alonso, put the balls away!” he calls over his shoulder as he leaves
“Wanker” Stevie mutters under his breath while the others walk off and he and Xabi are left alone
Xabi glances around quickly to make sure no one is still there before stepping close to Stevie and playing with the drawstring at the front of his shorts, “Kiss me”
“What?!” Stevie almost squeaks, “Xabi, someone could see”
“I don’t care” Xabi whispers as he traces the line of Stevie’s nose with the tip of his own, “I want you to kiss me”
Stevie’s breath is already coming out in short pants as he sucks Xabi’s lower lip between his teeth, biting and then laving the puckered flesh. Xabi whimpers and kisses Stevie firmly, full on the mouth. He pulls away then at the sound of approaching footsteps, kissing Stevie softly on the jaw before completely stepping back
“You’re getting your rocks off on almost getting caught aren’t you?” Stevie asks
Xabi wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, “I have no idea what you’re talking about”
FEBRUARY
“My dad wont be back till morning as per usual so will you just relax?” Stevie shoves Xabi down onto his sofa and hands him a glass of wine
“I’m so confused right now” Xabi says as he sniffs at the red liquid as though he were an experienced connoisseur
“Well, I’m making you a meal and this is like, pre-supper drinks or whatever” Stevie scratches his head and Xabi grins adoringly at him
“Have you made me vol-au-vents as an appetizer?” he questions sweetly
“What?” Stevie asks flatly
“You’re so adorable” Xabi leans over to ruffle Stevie’s hair and he pouts in response
“Can you take this seriously Xabi?”
Xabi immediately straightens his face and attempts to stifle his giggles, “Of course, I’m sorry” He takes a very serious sip of wine
“Now, you sit there and I will check on the food” Stevie leaves for the kitchen and Xabi is stuck admiring his wine glass when he hears a shriek.
“What?! What?!” he cries, rushing into the kitchen to see if Stevie is standing on a chair cowering from a rat or in a similarly precarious situation
“The salmon is burnt!” Stevie wails, standing in front of the oven with his baking-gloves on
Xabi claps a hand over his mouth so he wont laugh but Stevie looks so despondent, it soon stops being funny.
“Stevie, I don’t care about the salmon” he says gently as helps the other boy scrape the black bits off the tray and into the bin
“But! But! I marinated it, Xabi! I looked at a recipe book which I had to dig up because my mother had buried them in the loft - clearly she thought we were sorted food-wise for some reason. And then I bought the right ingredients and I had to mix with my hands.” He wiggles his fingers and Xabi nods sympathetically, “And now! Now, there’s nothing to eat and this evening is ruined and I bought a bottle of wine for shit-all” Stevie pouts and Xabi strokes his back reassuringly
“You’re kind of amazing, you know that?”
“I’m really not!” he says woefully and Xabi laughs before picking up a tin
“How about this?”
Stevie wrinkles his nose, “You want to have baked beans for dinner?”
“Yep. I want to have baked beans with you. That’s the most important part”
“Sometimes you’re like a walking Disney advert, did you know?” Stevie takes the tin from him and begins to heat it up, then putting a few slices of bread to toast
Xabi shrugs, content and touched by all the trouble Stevie has gone through for him. He remembers his first time in this house - how chilly and unwelcoming it had felt. It feels different now. Stevie is different now.
They watch late-night football after they eat, side by side, each with a beer in hand. Half-way through a particularly boring Real Madrid match, Xabi reaches for Stevie’s hand - drawing circles with his thumb across the soft skin of his palm. He inches closer and begins to place open-mouthed kisses on Stevie’s neck. The other boy’s eyes flutter closed and he lets out a slow, breathy moan that speaks right to Xabi’s groin. Xabi kisses along Stevie’s neck till he reaches his jaw and then his lips - he places a chaste kiss at the edge of Stevie mouth and is greeted with a groan in response.
Stevie tugs him by the ankles so he lands flat on his back against the sofa and Xabi waits eagerly for Stevie to pounce but the other boy has gone quiet. He plays with Xabi’s belt for a few moments before saying softly, “Xabi…”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve never… with a boy, before. I haven’t-”
“I know. Me neither”
“Do y-you want to?”
Xabi sits up and pulls Stevie towards him by the collar of his shirt. He kisses him urgently and with everything he has inside him - every ounce of what he has felt for Stevie since he first saw him that night outside the club. Stevie moans and Xabi pulls away slightly.
Stevie’s eyes are glazed over with desire and his lips wet; Xabi’s heart is beating so fast he’s sure its about to catapult through his ribs. “I love you, Stevie” he breathes. He doesn’t know if this is the right moment of if there is a ‘right moment’ but it echoes through every nerve ending in his body - it makes him feel alive as though he has spent the last seventeen years in a trance.
Stevie swallows thickly, overcome by the emotion that seems to make his throat stick. He reaches out to trace Xabi’s cheekbones before kissing him again. He whispers “I love you too” into Xabi’s mouth.
And then he’s pulling him away from the sofa and into his room with his rickety, single unmade bed but it doesn’t matter - the colour of the walls, the size of the room - its all irrelevant except for the two of them: the rushed removal of clothes, lips skittering over naked skin, gentle touches that become more rough and urgent with every kiss and neither of them can manage to draw breath till they’re gasping against each other, panting with relief. Xabi is shaking and Stevie kisses every inch of his face gently to calm him down, soothing hands move up and down his arms; and Xabi clings, shaken by the force of what they have done and what it means. “I love you” Stevie repeats later as they kiss languidly. He’s never said the words to anyone else before and he likes the way they roll of his tongue, the way the syllables form and fit around his teeth.
Outside it is dark and every house is washed in dull shadow. Only one room is lit.
*
They lie in Xabi’s room one late afternoon with the sound of a storm brewing in the distance. Stevie is asleep on his front, half of the bed sheet strewn across his legs so his back and chest are exposed. Xabi watches him - memorises the speed of his breathing; he reaches out to trace Stevie’s shoulder blades and the line of his spine before pressing his lips softly to the nape of his neck. Stevie stirs before opening one eye and groggily asking for the time
“It’s almost five,” Xabi says as he sweeps a hand across Stevie’s back, “You know you always go to sleep after we have sex”
Stevie grins lazily and extends a hand so that he can brush his thumb against Xabi’s lower lip, “Well that’s because I have to do all of the work, don’t I?”
Xabi snorts and shifts closer to Stevie so their foreheads are pressed against each other. It is times like this when the outside world seems non-existent. They are here purely for this, their purpose - each other; a cocoon in time.
“Stevie…” Xabi whispers hesitantly, “When are we going to- stop hiding? I just hate feeling like this is some dirty little secret” He doesn’t like having to broach the topic when what they have going is so ridiculously good - he cannot help but want more: ever the hard-working perfectionist
Stevie nuzzles Xabi’s nose with his own, “I’m sorry. I know this is like, a shit situation that we’re in with everyone at school and the football team, our families, my dad” he swallows, “But if you could just… give me a little time, yeah? To figure it out?”
Xabi’s heart aches at the sight of the subtle desperation in Stevie’s eyes, “Its fine. I just want to be able to tell people: ‘This is Steven Gerrard. He’s a really good fuck. I know’”
Stevie grins, “You’d really go around saying that? You?”
Xabi shrugs and kisses Stevie tenderly, wrapping an arm around his waist to pull him even closer against him.
“I promise you, Xabi” Stevie says solemnly, “one day it wont be like this. You’re going to go to university, right? And you’re going to get some fancy business degree and I’ll get a job so that when you’re finished, we’ll have enough money saved to buy a flat - a really wicked one as well. In a nice area. With trees! And a park nearby so we can play footie together whenever we want. And no one will be able to take it away from us because it will be ours”
The determination in Stevie’s voice knocks the wind out of Xabi. “I could go to school in London” he offers, “I know that’s where you want to move to after A-Levels”
“I thought you wanted to go to that university in Spain”
“I know, but I also want to be with you. And if I’m in Spain and you’re in London, then we’re not together”
Stevie kisses Xabi abruptly and with an urgency that leaves them both breathless. “We have time to figure it out”
“Mhmm” Xabi murmurs contently, “No need to start flat-hunting in London right away”
“But someday” Stevie promises
“Definitely: someday”
MARCH
“You’re going,” kiss “to be”, kiss “late for class” kiss
“Shut up” kiss “I have five” kiss “more minutes” kiss
They are snuck in an alley way behind a coffee shop with the beginnings of sunshine starting to filter through a misty morning. Xabi has Stevie pressed up against the brick wall but he doesn’t seem to mind the way it chafes against his back.
They cant seem to stop kissing.
“It your fault,” Stevie says as he attempts to catch his breath, “for taking on another extension class so we have even less time together”
“I’m a high achiever. Sue me” he kisses Stevie again, “I love your mouth”
Stevie laughs, “What?”
Xabi steps back, face flushed and chest heaving, “I should go”
Stevie’s fact is caught in the middle of a smirk and a grin, “You think?”
Xabi shoves him playfully before hitching his satchel onto his shoulder, “Come to my room later?”
Stevie nods and waves him off before heading back into the morning light, away from the shadows. He is pleasantly surprised when he notices Alex walking towards him from the distance. She is wearing a loose sundress with her blonde hair scraped back into a ponytail. Her face is scrubbed clean of makeup and he is struck by how beautiful she looks. He is filled with a rush of affection for this girl he has known for so long - he remembers how good she is at making him laugh, at being a breath of fresh air in a place that had once felt so claustrophobic.
“Alex!” he says once she has reached him, “Its been ages, have you been in hiding or what?”
“Hey, Stevie” she says with a smile, “Listen, do you have time to maybe get a coffee?”
“For you? Anytime. Hey, I’ll even buy!” he’s feeling particularly generous today
She rolls her eyes as they take a seat by the window, “So chivalrous!”
He notices that her movements seem slightly cagey and she doesn’t stop fidgeting with her bag. She picks up a paper napkin and begins to twist it between her hands.
“Alex, is everything alright?” he asks gently
She lets out a shaky breath, “I need to tell you something, Stevie”
The mood is sombre as he reaches for her hand and gives it a comforting squeeze, “Whatever it is - you can tell me”
“I’m pregnant”
His grip on her hand goes slack.
He cannot hear past the rush of blood in his head. Every sound in the café is amplified and the images of the people surrounding him begin to blur till he feels like he must surely have crossed over into some alternate universe. This is not happening. This is not happening. How can this be happening?
“Fuck, I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that” Alex moans, frustrated
“You- Ah- What. When? Are you sure?” he tries to form words but his mouth feels foreign, like it doesn’t belong to him
She nods despairingly, “It was New Year’s Eve, remember? We were both at the club and I was drunk and I think maybe you were a little bit too” she buries her head in her hands, “For god’s sake, it was in a bathroom”
The events of that night come rushing back swiftly though they are still fuzzy to Stevie’s mind. All he remembers is: wanting to forget. Xabi had left him so confused and angry and wanting and Alex had been there. She was comforting and familiar. She reminded him of what he knew and what he was used to and he had hoped that by burying himself inside her, he would be able to erase Xabi and what he felt for him. But all he had felt was numb. No relief, just emptiness.
“Did you just find out?” he manages to ask
She bites down on her bottom lip and shakes her head, “I’ve known for a little while now”
“Why-”
“I wanted to tell you, I did. But I was so confused and I just needed to deal with it on my own at first. But Stevie,” she reaches for his hand again, “I… I’m not going to keep it. I’ve thought about this a lot and I cant- I cant be a parent. Not right now. I’m sorry. About all of this”
He leans forward quickly, “What, none of this is your fault” she smiles sadly at him and he continues, “Are you sure, Alex? I know its your choice but just…”
“You know, I wasn’t even going to tell you. I know that sounds horrible but I thought it would be easier that way. For you. You would never have known that anything had ever happened”
He sees the tears spring to her eyes, “I’m glad that you told me. When are you going to… Do you want me to come with you?”
“No. If you came it would just make it all so much more real, you know? I’ll go with a friend. That way I can pretend that its just another doctor’s appointment” She covers her mouth with her hand and chokes back a sob, “Are you ok?”
Stevie shakes his head wearily, attempting to clear his cluttered thoughts, “I don’t know. It’s a lot. A lot to deal with”
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Stevie thinks of Xabi in his room early in the morning when they’re still wrapped around each other and the hair on his head tickles Stevie’s nose, “No” he says weakly
“I’m not- I just thought it would be harder if you were.” Stevie watches silently as she blows her nose and dabs at her eyes, “We wont have to talk about this again”
“Its going to be ok” he tries to be comforting
She shrugs, “I hope so”
*
“Hey!” Xabi says eagerly as he opens the door to Stevie later that day, “You will not believe what this Advanced Economics class is like. First of all, Mourinho takes it and he’s just… so horribly self-superior. And then the people in the class…”
Xabi’s chatter is background noise as Stevie goes to sit on the bed, his bones feel soft and his muscles are like rubber. He cant seem to make sense of anything anymore. He feels aged and weary and he wants to crawl into a ball and sleep for a really, really long time
“Stevie!” Xabi’s voice is clearer, “Are you even listening to me?” He turns to fix Stevie with a withering glare but stops immediately upon noting the stricken look on the other boy’s face
“Stevie,” he says again, though this time gently, “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I- I- I…” the words will not come
Xabi kneels down beside the bed, placing his hands on Stevie’s thighs as he settles between his legs, “Please tell me what’s wrong” He cups Stevie’s face and kisses just below each eye, “I love you, Stevie. I love you so much”
“Oh god Xabi, Alex is pregnant”
Xabi thinks he must have stopped breathing. The room is silent for a few moments, “What does that have to do with you?” he asks slowly
“I’m… I’m the father” he whispers so softly Xabi wonders if he has misheard him
“How- You and I-”
“No, no, no,” Stevie says quickly, “It was before all of this. You were about to go back to Spain and I was off my head and so fucking confused and it just happened. It meant nothing at the time”
“I believe you” he says softly, “I just… what are you going to do?”
“She isn’t going to keep the baby so there’s nothing I can do”
“Oh.” Xabi pulls himself up to sit beside Stevie on the bed, “…do you want her to keep it?”
“God, I honestly don’t know. Its out of my hands which is kind of really fucking infuriating but at the same time - I’m glad I don’t have to make any of the decisions? I don’t know what I’d do, Xabi, I really don’t”
Xabi places a tentative hand on Stevie’s shoulder and the other boy continues, “If I have a kid, I don’t want to make the mistakes my parents made with me. I’d want to get it right, you know? A proper family. The kind who go out to eat on Saturdays and take monthly trips to Alton Towers.”
Xabi smiles sadly and kisses Stevie gently on the cheek, “You’ll get to do all of those things one day”
Stevie closes his eyes and tries to concentrate on Xabi’s touch, his presence, “What would I do without you?”
He pulls Stevie to him and they settle back against the headboard of the bed, “I’m not going anywhere”
*
Stevie is asleep in his bed when his phone rings a few nights later. He grumbles sleepily and is about to turn it off when he sees the name “ALEX” flash across the screen
“Hello?”
“Stevie, I couldn’t. I couldn’t go through with it” Alex sounds hysterical on the other end of the line and Stevie can barely make out what she is saying through her tears
“Alex, slow down. I can’t understand you”
“Please, could you just come and get me? Please”
He agrees immediately and rolls out of bed once she’s given him the address. Its raining when he picks her up outside of the surgery so he gives her his jacket because she didn’t bring a coat. They head inside a 24hour diner and order cups of coffee.
Alex’s face is red and tear stained from all the crying. Stevie wants to say something that will make it better. He cannot think of a single thing. “Alex, what happened?”
She shakes her head slowly as if she too is confused, “I was so sure that it was what I wanted but I got there and then everything went out the window. I’m such a fucking mess” she rests her head on the table
“Alex, this is a big deal. Its more than a big deal! Obviously you’re going to be confused” he tries to placate her
“I want to have this baby, Stevie. I want to raise it. I was sitting there in the waiting room thinking about it. Because before I would have been like ‘fuck it, my life is over’. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I can still go to university. I could do one of those open-course things so I can stay home with… with the baby. And you could- I’m not trying to drag you into anything, I just. It makes sense to me.”
Stevie’s hands are white as they clutch his cup of coffee, “Alex, maybe you need to think about this. You’re really emotional at the moment and its late. Why don’t you sleep on it?” he tries to keep his tone lights but the gravity of what they’re discussing weighs it down and he can’t believe his talking about a baby, his baby.
Alex sighs and leans back in her seat, “You’re right. I need to be smart about this. Can I ask you something, though?”
“Anything” he says at once
“If I have the baby and if I keep it, would you want to be a part of it’s life?”
He doesn’t even have to think before he says “Yes, of course. I would be there, I promise you, for everything”
She inhales deeply, “Ok. I don’t think I could do this on my own”
He reaches across to take her hand and holds it firmly in his own, “You wont have to”
CONTINUED...
Fandom/Pairing: Football RPF; Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso
Rating: R
Length: 9,857 words
Summary: Part 2 of 2. High School AU. Steven Gerrard’s life is the definition of miserable before he meets Xabi Alonso. But not all of us are meant to be saved from circumstance.
A/N: I’m sorry this reads like a soap opera. All mistakes are my own, obviously none of this is true.
Part One is HERE
It’s cold outside and there is a faint drizzle but Xabi stands at the edge of the sea with his jeans rolled up to his knees. He hugs his jacket tighter to him and breathes in the familiar scent of home. It feels like the space inside his head is a cluttered mess. He feels stifled and he wants to be able to breathe again, wants this weight on his chest to disappear. But even as he stands on the beach where he has so often played football as a boy, Xabi cannot manage to push the events from that Christmas morning out of his mind.
“Xabier! What are you doing out there?” Xabi’s brother’s voice is carried away by the wind. He joins Xabi at the water’s edge and slings an arm around his shoulder, “You have been sulking since you got here. Is it that bad being home?”
“Of course not, Jon” Xabi tries to pass off coolly, “I just have a lot of things on my mind, you know. I will have a lot of work to do when I get back home”
“You mean, when you get back to Liverpool?”
“Yes, that is what I said” Xabi says, confused
Jon smiles knowingly before nudging Xabi gently in the side, “Lets go into the house. You can have a drink. You haven’t been drinking in England, have you? I know what the kids there are like!”
Xabi rolls his eyes but grins before saying, “You know me, Jon. All work and no play!”
“Ah, some things will never change my dear Xabier” Jon leads Xabi back inside and hands him a beer with a wink
Xabi uncaps the bottle and smiles wistfully at the people celebrating in his house. He has missed this: his parents, the smell of home-cooked Spanish food, Nagore… Nagore!
Xabi trips over his feet when he sees her and she laughs as she comes over to give him a hug.
“How much have you missed me?” she asks, placing a kiss on his cheek as he blushes slightly
“Unreasonable amounts” he responds and he takes her hand so he can lead her away from the noise and upstairs to the quiet of his old room
“Wow, this feels… different” she says, stepping over his suitcase and making space on his bed for her to sit
“It has been a long time” Xabi nods, feeling all too awkward all of a sudden - like his legs are too long for his body.
“How is Liverpool?” she asks eagerly and he shrugs, “Good. Cold. A lot of work”
Her eyes narrow at his short response and she studies him carefully, resting her chin on her hand, “What’s wrong Xabi?”
“Why would you think anything is wrong?” Xabi can’t help the nervous tone that slips into his voice
“Have you met a girl? Is that it? You can tell me, Xabi - it’s fine! I promise not to cry or get jealous or anything like that”
Xabi smiles once again at her warmth and enthusiasm. She is just as he remembered her. But how - how - can he tell her this? How can he say: Nagore, you and I were together for a long time but the other day I kissed a boy. I kissed him because I wanted to. Because sometimes I can’t breathe when I’m around him. And I don’t know how to deal with any of it. I didn’t know it was possible to feel the things that I keep feeling. How can he look her in the eye and say that?
He sighs and goes to sit beside her; rests his head on her shoulder, “Do you ever wish that we had stayed together?”
“Xabi…” she starts reluctantly
“No, I mean, I’m not saying we should get back together. Just… do you wonder, at all?”
She shrugs, “I don’t know. Would you hate me if I said ‘no’? I love you, Xabi but you and me - it wasn’t right, was it? At first, yes, I thought we had made a horrible mistake and I kept thinking I should call you and I would pretend we had never agreed to take a break and of course, you would just go along with it. You would pack a picnic basket and bring me flowers and we would do what we always do. But then… I moved on. When you were away, I went out on dates. I’m not with anyone at the moment but it was nice, you know. Different. But nice.” She gives his thigh a squeeze, “You will meet someone one day. I bet she will be blonde and have one of those horrible English accents”
Xabi chuckles, “You think?”
She nods assuredly before pulling him into a hug, “All in good time, Xabi”
He can only close his eyes and grip her tighter.
***
JANUARY
He has only been away for a week but Xabi greets the foggy Merseyside air with a smile. The concrete grey buildings that house the school’s boarders look like prison cells but Xabi trundles up the stairs to his room eagerly, lugging his bag alongside him. Its very early in the morning so he is surprised to see a figure slumped just outside his door next to a silver flask of what he assumes is coffee.
Xabi’s heart stops at the sight of Stevie asleep on his doorstep. His hair is mussed and there are circles beneath his eyes that tell of sleepless nights. Xabi prods Stevie gently with the toe of his foot and he jerks awake almost immediately.
“I’m up- I’m up- I’m up” he mutters dazedly before rubbing circles into his eyes. He blinks once or twice to adjust his eyesight to the morning light and then gasps when he realises Xabi is standing right in front of him, “Xabi!”, he jumps to his feet and the Spaniard cannot help but smirk slightly though his stomach feels like a caged butterfly nest.
“Stevie, what are you doing here?” he asks, sounding subdued and slightly afraid
Stevie gulps and wipes his hands against his jeans before continuing nervously, “Well, I didn’t know what day you were going to be back. Because- I mean- I knew you were leaving but I didn’t exactly… speak to you before you left so I wasn’t sure about timings and things so I slept here last night and the night before. I just… wanted to be here once you got back” Stevie’s eyes keep darting about as though he’s determined for his gaze to remain on anything but Xabi
Xabi’s mouth is open in shock, “You’ve been sleeping outside my door for the past two days? Are you insane?! Its freezing!”
Stevie turns a deep shade of red as he fists his hands inside the pockets of his jacket. He mumbles something before clearing his throat and looking Xabi straight in the eye, “Mate we need to… we need to talk”
Xabi feels his mouth go dry but he nods, “Come inside”
His room is spotless because of the clean-up he did before leaving so he tosses his bag in a corner and settles on his bed wearily. Stevie stands shiftily by the door, “How was Spain?”
Xabi cannot help but smile at Stevie’s attempt at normal conversation, “It was nice being back. But Stevie you wanted to talk and I think its best that we do that too so just… talk”
Stevie pauses and takes a deep breath, “Xabi, I’m crap at saying things and telling people how I’m feeling. Its why- Its why I like you so much because you just get it. And that’s the thing! This entire week: I’ve felt like utter shit and not just because of what happened on Christmas. I… I missed you, Xabi. For fucks sake, you were only gone for a bloody week. And I kept thinking: you need to think about how you’re gonna sort things out with Xabi once he gets back. But all I could think was… I miss him”
Xabi looks up in awe, “I missed you too, Stevie”
“And I don’t… I don’t want to lose your friendship and fuck, I know I sound like such a girl but can we still be friends? Is that ok?” Stevie bites his lip hard enough to draw blood
“Of course that’s ok” Xabi replies though his heart aches and he isn’t even sure why
Stevie exhales shakily and runs a hand through his hair, “Good.” Xabi gets up tentatively to give him a hug. Its awkward as they wrap their arms around each other and Stevie presses his nose into Xabi’s shoulder. They pull away slightly and then - before Stevie even has time to grasp what he’s about to do - he smashes his mouth against Xabi’s. Xabi gasps as Stevie gives him a bruising, passionate kiss. He twines his fingers through Stevie’s hair to tug him even closer as they move against each other and break - breathless and panting.
“God, I’ve wanted to do that so badly” Stevie whispers, he feels dizzy and high and drunk and-
“Really? You’re not going to run away screaming like a crazy person again?” Xabi sniggers despite himself. Stevie’s lips are just a few inches away and he’s desperate to press his own against them again
“I’m sorry”, Stevie closes his eyes and presses his forehead against Xabi’s, “I was scared. I’ve never felt like this - about anyone, let alone another bloke”
Xabi pulls away so he can look Stevie directly in the eye, “You think I have? Stevie, this is completely new to me too. I’m just as scared as you. But I know- I want you. It scares me how much I want you”
Stevie kisses him again then - a quick flurry pressed hard against his lips and then he buries his face in the crook of Xabi’s neck so he can whisper against the skin there, “So how does this work, then? Do I ask you out? Do I need to call beforehand and say ‘Xabi, would you like to see a movie with me?’”
Xabi laughs and pets Stevie’s hair gently before easing away from him, “Maybe we just keep doing what we’ve been doing all this time. Except now I get to do this…” he leans forward and nips at Stevie’s lower lip with his teeth, “whenever I want to”
Stevie grins, “That is a good plan.”
“Right?”
*
The school’s football field is slicked with rain. The school team had attempted to train on it when it began to pelt down heavily, soaking all the players through their shirts. They had headed inside the gym to play on the hard wooden floor with their obviously bored coach too busy flipping through a magazine to referee. Xabi tackles Stevie and he comes down hard, bringing Xabi down with him. They fall on top of one another in a pile with an emphatic OOMPH.
“Get off me” Stevie murmurs mildly as Xabi sprawls over him, faces dangerously close
“I like being on top of you” Xabi whispers teasingly
Stevie chuckles, “You’re so fucking cheesy” Xabi sticks his tongue out in response and Stevie has to resist the urge to bite it.
“What are you two doing?” Carra shouts from a corner of the room, “Get up! We’re in the middle of a game”
Xabi smirks before picking himself up and then giving Stevie a hand too. He can’t help the way he looks at him. He knows all the other guys are probably wondering what the fuck is going on but he cant be bothered to care. He loves their knowing glances, being able to graze Stevie’s bare skin with his fingers when no one is looking, Stevie’s whispered breath against his ear.
The coach lazily whistles to signal that the match is over and they should all shower and change. “Gerrard, Alonso, put the balls away!” he calls over his shoulder as he leaves
“Wanker” Stevie mutters under his breath while the others walk off and he and Xabi are left alone
Xabi glances around quickly to make sure no one is still there before stepping close to Stevie and playing with the drawstring at the front of his shorts, “Kiss me”
“What?!” Stevie almost squeaks, “Xabi, someone could see”
“I don’t care” Xabi whispers as he traces the line of Stevie’s nose with the tip of his own, “I want you to kiss me”
Stevie’s breath is already coming out in short pants as he sucks Xabi’s lower lip between his teeth, biting and then laving the puckered flesh. Xabi whimpers and kisses Stevie firmly, full on the mouth. He pulls away then at the sound of approaching footsteps, kissing Stevie softly on the jaw before completely stepping back
“You’re getting your rocks off on almost getting caught aren’t you?” Stevie asks
Xabi wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, “I have no idea what you’re talking about”
FEBRUARY
“My dad wont be back till morning as per usual so will you just relax?” Stevie shoves Xabi down onto his sofa and hands him a glass of wine
“I’m so confused right now” Xabi says as he sniffs at the red liquid as though he were an experienced connoisseur
“Well, I’m making you a meal and this is like, pre-supper drinks or whatever” Stevie scratches his head and Xabi grins adoringly at him
“Have you made me vol-au-vents as an appetizer?” he questions sweetly
“What?” Stevie asks flatly
“You’re so adorable” Xabi leans over to ruffle Stevie’s hair and he pouts in response
“Can you take this seriously Xabi?”
Xabi immediately straightens his face and attempts to stifle his giggles, “Of course, I’m sorry” He takes a very serious sip of wine
“Now, you sit there and I will check on the food” Stevie leaves for the kitchen and Xabi is stuck admiring his wine glass when he hears a shriek.
“What?! What?!” he cries, rushing into the kitchen to see if Stevie is standing on a chair cowering from a rat or in a similarly precarious situation
“The salmon is burnt!” Stevie wails, standing in front of the oven with his baking-gloves on
Xabi claps a hand over his mouth so he wont laugh but Stevie looks so despondent, it soon stops being funny.
“Stevie, I don’t care about the salmon” he says gently as helps the other boy scrape the black bits off the tray and into the bin
“But! But! I marinated it, Xabi! I looked at a recipe book which I had to dig up because my mother had buried them in the loft - clearly she thought we were sorted food-wise for some reason. And then I bought the right ingredients and I had to mix with my hands.” He wiggles his fingers and Xabi nods sympathetically, “And now! Now, there’s nothing to eat and this evening is ruined and I bought a bottle of wine for shit-all” Stevie pouts and Xabi strokes his back reassuringly
“You’re kind of amazing, you know that?”
“I’m really not!” he says woefully and Xabi laughs before picking up a tin
“How about this?”
Stevie wrinkles his nose, “You want to have baked beans for dinner?”
“Yep. I want to have baked beans with you. That’s the most important part”
“Sometimes you’re like a walking Disney advert, did you know?” Stevie takes the tin from him and begins to heat it up, then putting a few slices of bread to toast
Xabi shrugs, content and touched by all the trouble Stevie has gone through for him. He remembers his first time in this house - how chilly and unwelcoming it had felt. It feels different now. Stevie is different now.
They watch late-night football after they eat, side by side, each with a beer in hand. Half-way through a particularly boring Real Madrid match, Xabi reaches for Stevie’s hand - drawing circles with his thumb across the soft skin of his palm. He inches closer and begins to place open-mouthed kisses on Stevie’s neck. The other boy’s eyes flutter closed and he lets out a slow, breathy moan that speaks right to Xabi’s groin. Xabi kisses along Stevie’s neck till he reaches his jaw and then his lips - he places a chaste kiss at the edge of Stevie mouth and is greeted with a groan in response.
Stevie tugs him by the ankles so he lands flat on his back against the sofa and Xabi waits eagerly for Stevie to pounce but the other boy has gone quiet. He plays with Xabi’s belt for a few moments before saying softly, “Xabi…”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve never… with a boy, before. I haven’t-”
“I know. Me neither”
“Do y-you want to?”
Xabi sits up and pulls Stevie towards him by the collar of his shirt. He kisses him urgently and with everything he has inside him - every ounce of what he has felt for Stevie since he first saw him that night outside the club. Stevie moans and Xabi pulls away slightly.
Stevie’s eyes are glazed over with desire and his lips wet; Xabi’s heart is beating so fast he’s sure its about to catapult through his ribs. “I love you, Stevie” he breathes. He doesn’t know if this is the right moment of if there is a ‘right moment’ but it echoes through every nerve ending in his body - it makes him feel alive as though he has spent the last seventeen years in a trance.
Stevie swallows thickly, overcome by the emotion that seems to make his throat stick. He reaches out to trace Xabi’s cheekbones before kissing him again. He whispers “I love you too” into Xabi’s mouth.
And then he’s pulling him away from the sofa and into his room with his rickety, single unmade bed but it doesn’t matter - the colour of the walls, the size of the room - its all irrelevant except for the two of them: the rushed removal of clothes, lips skittering over naked skin, gentle touches that become more rough and urgent with every kiss and neither of them can manage to draw breath till they’re gasping against each other, panting with relief. Xabi is shaking and Stevie kisses every inch of his face gently to calm him down, soothing hands move up and down his arms; and Xabi clings, shaken by the force of what they have done and what it means. “I love you” Stevie repeats later as they kiss languidly. He’s never said the words to anyone else before and he likes the way they roll of his tongue, the way the syllables form and fit around his teeth.
Outside it is dark and every house is washed in dull shadow. Only one room is lit.
*
They lie in Xabi’s room one late afternoon with the sound of a storm brewing in the distance. Stevie is asleep on his front, half of the bed sheet strewn across his legs so his back and chest are exposed. Xabi watches him - memorises the speed of his breathing; he reaches out to trace Stevie’s shoulder blades and the line of his spine before pressing his lips softly to the nape of his neck. Stevie stirs before opening one eye and groggily asking for the time
“It’s almost five,” Xabi says as he sweeps a hand across Stevie’s back, “You know you always go to sleep after we have sex”
Stevie grins lazily and extends a hand so that he can brush his thumb against Xabi’s lower lip, “Well that’s because I have to do all of the work, don’t I?”
Xabi snorts and shifts closer to Stevie so their foreheads are pressed against each other. It is times like this when the outside world seems non-existent. They are here purely for this, their purpose - each other; a cocoon in time.
“Stevie…” Xabi whispers hesitantly, “When are we going to- stop hiding? I just hate feeling like this is some dirty little secret” He doesn’t like having to broach the topic when what they have going is so ridiculously good - he cannot help but want more: ever the hard-working perfectionist
Stevie nuzzles Xabi’s nose with his own, “I’m sorry. I know this is like, a shit situation that we’re in with everyone at school and the football team, our families, my dad” he swallows, “But if you could just… give me a little time, yeah? To figure it out?”
Xabi’s heart aches at the sight of the subtle desperation in Stevie’s eyes, “Its fine. I just want to be able to tell people: ‘This is Steven Gerrard. He’s a really good fuck. I know’”
Stevie grins, “You’d really go around saying that? You?”
Xabi shrugs and kisses Stevie tenderly, wrapping an arm around his waist to pull him even closer against him.
“I promise you, Xabi” Stevie says solemnly, “one day it wont be like this. You’re going to go to university, right? And you’re going to get some fancy business degree and I’ll get a job so that when you’re finished, we’ll have enough money saved to buy a flat - a really wicked one as well. In a nice area. With trees! And a park nearby so we can play footie together whenever we want. And no one will be able to take it away from us because it will be ours”
The determination in Stevie’s voice knocks the wind out of Xabi. “I could go to school in London” he offers, “I know that’s where you want to move to after A-Levels”
“I thought you wanted to go to that university in Spain”
“I know, but I also want to be with you. And if I’m in Spain and you’re in London, then we’re not together”
Stevie kisses Xabi abruptly and with an urgency that leaves them both breathless. “We have time to figure it out”
“Mhmm” Xabi murmurs contently, “No need to start flat-hunting in London right away”
“But someday” Stevie promises
“Definitely: someday”
MARCH
“You’re going,” kiss “to be”, kiss “late for class” kiss
“Shut up” kiss “I have five” kiss “more minutes” kiss
They are snuck in an alley way behind a coffee shop with the beginnings of sunshine starting to filter through a misty morning. Xabi has Stevie pressed up against the brick wall but he doesn’t seem to mind the way it chafes against his back.
They cant seem to stop kissing.
“It your fault,” Stevie says as he attempts to catch his breath, “for taking on another extension class so we have even less time together”
“I’m a high achiever. Sue me” he kisses Stevie again, “I love your mouth”
Stevie laughs, “What?”
Xabi steps back, face flushed and chest heaving, “I should go”
Stevie’s fact is caught in the middle of a smirk and a grin, “You think?”
Xabi shoves him playfully before hitching his satchel onto his shoulder, “Come to my room later?”
Stevie nods and waves him off before heading back into the morning light, away from the shadows. He is pleasantly surprised when he notices Alex walking towards him from the distance. She is wearing a loose sundress with her blonde hair scraped back into a ponytail. Her face is scrubbed clean of makeup and he is struck by how beautiful she looks. He is filled with a rush of affection for this girl he has known for so long - he remembers how good she is at making him laugh, at being a breath of fresh air in a place that had once felt so claustrophobic.
“Alex!” he says once she has reached him, “Its been ages, have you been in hiding or what?”
“Hey, Stevie” she says with a smile, “Listen, do you have time to maybe get a coffee?”
“For you? Anytime. Hey, I’ll even buy!” he’s feeling particularly generous today
She rolls her eyes as they take a seat by the window, “So chivalrous!”
He notices that her movements seem slightly cagey and she doesn’t stop fidgeting with her bag. She picks up a paper napkin and begins to twist it between her hands.
“Alex, is everything alright?” he asks gently
She lets out a shaky breath, “I need to tell you something, Stevie”
The mood is sombre as he reaches for her hand and gives it a comforting squeeze, “Whatever it is - you can tell me”
“I’m pregnant”
His grip on her hand goes slack.
He cannot hear past the rush of blood in his head. Every sound in the café is amplified and the images of the people surrounding him begin to blur till he feels like he must surely have crossed over into some alternate universe. This is not happening. This is not happening. How can this be happening?
“Fuck, I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that” Alex moans, frustrated
“You- Ah- What. When? Are you sure?” he tries to form words but his mouth feels foreign, like it doesn’t belong to him
She nods despairingly, “It was New Year’s Eve, remember? We were both at the club and I was drunk and I think maybe you were a little bit too” she buries her head in her hands, “For god’s sake, it was in a bathroom”
The events of that night come rushing back swiftly though they are still fuzzy to Stevie’s mind. All he remembers is: wanting to forget. Xabi had left him so confused and angry and wanting and Alex had been there. She was comforting and familiar. She reminded him of what he knew and what he was used to and he had hoped that by burying himself inside her, he would be able to erase Xabi and what he felt for him. But all he had felt was numb. No relief, just emptiness.
“Did you just find out?” he manages to ask
She bites down on her bottom lip and shakes her head, “I’ve known for a little while now”
“Why-”
“I wanted to tell you, I did. But I was so confused and I just needed to deal with it on my own at first. But Stevie,” she reaches for his hand again, “I… I’m not going to keep it. I’ve thought about this a lot and I cant- I cant be a parent. Not right now. I’m sorry. About all of this”
He leans forward quickly, “What, none of this is your fault” she smiles sadly at him and he continues, “Are you sure, Alex? I know its your choice but just…”
“You know, I wasn’t even going to tell you. I know that sounds horrible but I thought it would be easier that way. For you. You would never have known that anything had ever happened”
He sees the tears spring to her eyes, “I’m glad that you told me. When are you going to… Do you want me to come with you?”
“No. If you came it would just make it all so much more real, you know? I’ll go with a friend. That way I can pretend that its just another doctor’s appointment” She covers her mouth with her hand and chokes back a sob, “Are you ok?”
Stevie shakes his head wearily, attempting to clear his cluttered thoughts, “I don’t know. It’s a lot. A lot to deal with”
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Stevie thinks of Xabi in his room early in the morning when they’re still wrapped around each other and the hair on his head tickles Stevie’s nose, “No” he says weakly
“I’m not- I just thought it would be harder if you were.” Stevie watches silently as she blows her nose and dabs at her eyes, “We wont have to talk about this again”
“Its going to be ok” he tries to be comforting
She shrugs, “I hope so”
*
“Hey!” Xabi says eagerly as he opens the door to Stevie later that day, “You will not believe what this Advanced Economics class is like. First of all, Mourinho takes it and he’s just… so horribly self-superior. And then the people in the class…”
Xabi’s chatter is background noise as Stevie goes to sit on the bed, his bones feel soft and his muscles are like rubber. He cant seem to make sense of anything anymore. He feels aged and weary and he wants to crawl into a ball and sleep for a really, really long time
“Stevie!” Xabi’s voice is clearer, “Are you even listening to me?” He turns to fix Stevie with a withering glare but stops immediately upon noting the stricken look on the other boy’s face
“Stevie,” he says again, though this time gently, “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I- I- I…” the words will not come
Xabi kneels down beside the bed, placing his hands on Stevie’s thighs as he settles between his legs, “Please tell me what’s wrong” He cups Stevie’s face and kisses just below each eye, “I love you, Stevie. I love you so much”
“Oh god Xabi, Alex is pregnant”
Xabi thinks he must have stopped breathing. The room is silent for a few moments, “What does that have to do with you?” he asks slowly
“I’m… I’m the father” he whispers so softly Xabi wonders if he has misheard him
“How- You and I-”
“No, no, no,” Stevie says quickly, “It was before all of this. You were about to go back to Spain and I was off my head and so fucking confused and it just happened. It meant nothing at the time”
“I believe you” he says softly, “I just… what are you going to do?”
“She isn’t going to keep the baby so there’s nothing I can do”
“Oh.” Xabi pulls himself up to sit beside Stevie on the bed, “…do you want her to keep it?”
“God, I honestly don’t know. Its out of my hands which is kind of really fucking infuriating but at the same time - I’m glad I don’t have to make any of the decisions? I don’t know what I’d do, Xabi, I really don’t”
Xabi places a tentative hand on Stevie’s shoulder and the other boy continues, “If I have a kid, I don’t want to make the mistakes my parents made with me. I’d want to get it right, you know? A proper family. The kind who go out to eat on Saturdays and take monthly trips to Alton Towers.”
Xabi smiles sadly and kisses Stevie gently on the cheek, “You’ll get to do all of those things one day”
Stevie closes his eyes and tries to concentrate on Xabi’s touch, his presence, “What would I do without you?”
He pulls Stevie to him and they settle back against the headboard of the bed, “I’m not going anywhere”
*
Stevie is asleep in his bed when his phone rings a few nights later. He grumbles sleepily and is about to turn it off when he sees the name “ALEX” flash across the screen
“Hello?”
“Stevie, I couldn’t. I couldn’t go through with it” Alex sounds hysterical on the other end of the line and Stevie can barely make out what she is saying through her tears
“Alex, slow down. I can’t understand you”
“Please, could you just come and get me? Please”
He agrees immediately and rolls out of bed once she’s given him the address. Its raining when he picks her up outside of the surgery so he gives her his jacket because she didn’t bring a coat. They head inside a 24hour diner and order cups of coffee.
Alex’s face is red and tear stained from all the crying. Stevie wants to say something that will make it better. He cannot think of a single thing. “Alex, what happened?”
She shakes her head slowly as if she too is confused, “I was so sure that it was what I wanted but I got there and then everything went out the window. I’m such a fucking mess” she rests her head on the table
“Alex, this is a big deal. Its more than a big deal! Obviously you’re going to be confused” he tries to placate her
“I want to have this baby, Stevie. I want to raise it. I was sitting there in the waiting room thinking about it. Because before I would have been like ‘fuck it, my life is over’. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I can still go to university. I could do one of those open-course things so I can stay home with… with the baby. And you could- I’m not trying to drag you into anything, I just. It makes sense to me.”
Stevie’s hands are white as they clutch his cup of coffee, “Alex, maybe you need to think about this. You’re really emotional at the moment and its late. Why don’t you sleep on it?” he tries to keep his tone lights but the gravity of what they’re discussing weighs it down and he can’t believe his talking about a baby, his baby.
Alex sighs and leans back in her seat, “You’re right. I need to be smart about this. Can I ask you something, though?”
“Anything” he says at once
“If I have the baby and if I keep it, would you want to be a part of it’s life?”
He doesn’t even have to think before he says “Yes, of course. I would be there, I promise you, for everything”
She inhales deeply, “Ok. I don’t think I could do this on my own”
He reaches across to take her hand and holds it firmly in his own, “You wont have to”
CONTINUED...