It's not my birthday, it's not today
Just hit the big two-five. Only five years till "old" hits me. So yay, happy birthday to me I guess.
I have had to make a very unpleasant decision.
Ed IMed me and offered to take me somewhere for my birthday... with Randy. Now I have no doubts that Randy's being sincere and just wants things to be right but... no. Of course I had to decline, and Ed said we could just ditch Randy and go somewhere. Nice, but what about the big picture? Ed is like "a kid in a divorce" (as he put it) and it's unfair to him. Randy gets along with him much better than I do, I think, as they have far more in common with each other than with me. Looking at this situation objectively the only right thing to do is to just back out entirely. It makes sense. Because of my job I won't have another Friday or Saturday free for at least another six months, and those are the prime hang out days. Also... I just think it's the right thing to do.
It also leaves me with zero real life friends. And no birthday plans.
For the record, this does not include the numerous well wishers I know. The people who say, "Hey, I'd really like to do something for your birthday if only I could!" At least their hearts are in the right place.
I'm trying to find a bright side here and all I'm coming up with is "At least I'm doing what's right." And I'm really starting to wonder if that's enough anymore. Is it? It comforts me not at all, but there's no other fair way to be.
I can't even view this as an opportunity to make new friends because, really, I don't work that way. When I meet someone I don't have this invisible list in my head with columns labeled PROS and CONS. I hate it when people are like "just make new friends!" I don't choose who my friends are, either a person feels like a friend or they don't. Period.
Ok, attempt number three at trying to look at the bright side has also failed. I just came up with "At least I haven't hit rock bottom" and it did make me feel better until I realized that I have so much more I could lose.
You know what? Fuck life. Apparently the only thing I can do right in life is to bow my head and march. I'll do it because I don't know how to do anything else, but what kind of life is that?
(this post was waaay more emo than I meant it to be, please accept my apologies)
I have had to make a very unpleasant decision.
Ed IMed me and offered to take me somewhere for my birthday... with Randy. Now I have no doubts that Randy's being sincere and just wants things to be right but... no. Of course I had to decline, and Ed said we could just ditch Randy and go somewhere. Nice, but what about the big picture? Ed is like "a kid in a divorce" (as he put it) and it's unfair to him. Randy gets along with him much better than I do, I think, as they have far more in common with each other than with me. Looking at this situation objectively the only right thing to do is to just back out entirely. It makes sense. Because of my job I won't have another Friday or Saturday free for at least another six months, and those are the prime hang out days. Also... I just think it's the right thing to do.
It also leaves me with zero real life friends. And no birthday plans.
For the record, this does not include the numerous well wishers I know. The people who say, "Hey, I'd really like to do something for your birthday if only I could!" At least their hearts are in the right place.
I'm trying to find a bright side here and all I'm coming up with is "At least I'm doing what's right." And I'm really starting to wonder if that's enough anymore. Is it? It comforts me not at all, but there's no other fair way to be.
I can't even view this as an opportunity to make new friends because, really, I don't work that way. When I meet someone I don't have this invisible list in my head with columns labeled PROS and CONS. I hate it when people are like "just make new friends!" I don't choose who my friends are, either a person feels like a friend or they don't. Period.
Ok, attempt number three at trying to look at the bright side has also failed. I just came up with "At least I haven't hit rock bottom" and it did make me feel better until I realized that I have so much more I could lose.
You know what? Fuck life. Apparently the only thing I can do right in life is to bow my head and march. I'll do it because I don't know how to do anything else, but what kind of life is that?
(this post was waaay more emo than I meant it to be, please accept my apologies)