In which our heroine lives with hope and faith, and stops being such a doormat.
[sidenote: you may (or may not...) have noticed that I've changed the subject lines of my posts. I've decided to give the song-lyrics a rest, and have started essentially narrating the "chapters" of my life, as it were. So, there's that :P]
Work:
My last day at McK was March 30, and I'm so glad for it to be over.
Not in the "I'M FREEEEE!" sense, just that the chapter is done with, and I can now focus on looking for new employment. It was tremendously difficult to keep focus at the job I was leaving (I was under agreement not to "short-time" my attitude and to be dedicated to the job I was still employed at, even though I was leaving). So to try and give a damn when I was increasingly less responsible for things made it very difficult in my head. Plus, I've got the 2012 Torch Project (I took over for a girl who left/was dismissed), and I wrote most of my recent short-story submission in that last week as well. Add in job hunting/applying and housemate vetting, and you get a lot of stuff happening in my brain. Big things, little space. Is no bueno.
So, once my focus was no longer so divided (and I sent my short story off that same night), I could start to feel much better. It helped that I got an incredibly generous severance package that gives me some breathing room, AND I had a nice temp job lined up that will go for about a week and a half. Plus two interviews this week (possibly more), and I'm feeling optimistic on the job front. Or at least hopeful. Enough, anyway, to allow me to turn down a job at the Pandora jewelry store in the U-Village, because the retail hours and the pay weren't going to be worth my while, nor my value (in my opinion). If I didn't have these other things, I'd probably have taken it. It was a sweet group of girls/managers, and the product looked like fun to sell. But at $12/hour, and a schedule that was probably going to be more hassle than it was worth, I decided to pass, and hold out for something better.
I have been very fortunate to have such good momentum, coming out of a steady job into an unknown future. After all, I could have stayed at McK and waited for something to come available there - I would have known the "where," just not the "when." Instead, I chose to know the "when" rather than the "where," and I still think it was the right decision for me at this point. I don't feel like I'm dying a little inside when I go to work. I am reinvigorated for my life.
Plus, this temp job is SOOO nice. The office environment is very friendly and absolutely everybody says hello, good morning, how was your weekend, etc. The Service department at McK was getting very toxic, where people just trudged into their cubicles and slogged through the day, with earphones in if they were lucky. I'm also enjoying the considerable break from responsibility. The phone rings like 3-5 times an hour at this front desk (by comparison, just in dispatch it could be ringing every few minutes). When someone calls in with a problem, I pass it off to someone else to fix. I sort the mail once a day (it takes about an hour). My commute is the easiest I have ever, ever had. Overall, it's like a paid vacation for my brain! I don't know that I could do this long-term, but for right now it's satisfyingly easy.
Family:
Went over to Wenatchee for a quick 48-hour visit over the Easter weekend, since my sister and her family (husband Brian, sons Dylan and Gabe) were up from Portland and my brother Bill from Columbus and family (wife Jamie, daughters Alexis and Cameryn, son Michael) were all visiting for a mini-family reunion. It was mostly a good trip although some parts of it were less savory than others (really, mom? cleaning the bathroom on my trip? WTH? oh well...). Some parts were great, like when Bill & Jamie announced they were expecting their 4th baby at the end of September - YAYAYAYAY! And one incident where I decided I'd finally had enough of certain things.
See, my family likes to repeat the same jokes and stories over and over again. Sometimes they are actually funny, and my dad is a born storyteller. Sometimes it's just really old, like this old joke that's "funny because it's true." I'm the youngest of 5 - 1 sister, 3 brothers, and the only one not married/has children. Granted, these are things that I really want for myself (see previous posts on this topic. or my therapist), and while there's no specific pressure on me to get them - my parents having 8+ grandchildren and all - it's definitely commented on at least once during every family get-together in some fashion. In this case, there's an incredibly tired joke that no matter what Brian does (he likes to push people's buttons), he's still be the favorite son-in-law! AHAHAHA. Get it? Because there's an unspoken second half to the statement, being that there is no other choice. Now, maybe this would be more amusing if they didn't have a second daughter of marriagable age, but since they do, this digs at me every. single. time. But they think it's all uproariously clever.
When this got trotted out on Saturday, while we had 14 people over for dinner, I left the company entirely and went downstairs with my phone to have my pissy fit in peace and not make a scene. My mom came down shortly afterwards to get something, and saw me sitting there, asked what I was doing, and I replied, "Avoiding people." She heard the tone in my voice and asked what was wrong. I told her, and she said, "oh, I don't think it's meant like that..." and I'm telling her no, it's exactly meant like that, because there is no other way for that statment to mean something else. And since I'm in therapy for relationship issues, I'd appreciate it if it wasn't a punchline.
Then I mentioned the snarky, bitchy comment my sister made a Christmas, during a conversation about how she wants to get chickens (doing the urban chicken thing). And someone asked, "well, don't they stop laying after a while? what are you going to do with them?" She replied that she'd keep them as pets until they died naturally. Someone else then asked "why would you want to keep something around that you just have to feed and doesn't produce?" and Michelle's answer was to gesture at me and say "Well, look at Ashley!"
HARDEE-HAR-HAR. I picked up a glass of wine to throw in her face, and my mother stopped me, saying not to waste the good wine. Again, in an attempt to not cause a scene, I settled down. But I sure didn't forget.
My mother did not remember this exchange from Christmas, conveniently enough. I also reminded her about an incident about 4 years ago, when I said something to my sister (a statement of fact - not a bitchy joke) that caused her to stop speaking to me for over 2 years. What was impressed on me by my sister, her husband, and my mother at that time was that regardless of my intent with the comment, it didn't matter because it hurt someone. When I brought this up to my mother in a gee-the-tables-have-turned way, she told me that I needed to let it go, and that my sister was just joking.
I got very upset (calmly, though - not crying) and told my mother that was unacceptable. First of all, since the lesson was that intent didn't matter, I didn't care if she was "just joking," because it hurt. More to the point, it was deliberately, viciously, mean. I had not set out to hurt her with my comment, but she had specifically done so. Whether of not she "intended" it, I was hurt by it, and for my mother to tell me that my feelings about it were invalid? That made it even more unacceptable. My feelings are my feelings, and nobody gets to tell me otherwise. And, I was done being silent about it.
Mom considered this and didn't really say much else, either in defense or "advice." Granted, we had continued this conversation after everyone had left and it was a busy day, so she was tired, but I hope something got through. It's a start anyway, both externally (letting other people know what I no longer find acceptable treatment of me) and internally (that I can actually express myself in my WASP-y family and the world doesn't stop turning, and that I can do with without getting hysterical). Congratulations, Ashley! You're almost 30 and you've learned how to act like an adult! Gold star :)
I understand how I could be seen as being hypersensitive about this stuff, and that I should just let it roll off my back. But, I don't really want to, because it's really not okay anymore. And I think it's important for me to grow and become stronger, more assertive about what I do and don't want in my life instead of just letting it happen (or not happen). I tried to handle this maturely over the weekend - I didn't throw a beverage, I didn't throw a tantrum, I didn't go out of my way to make anyone else uncomfortable during the party. I went off to deal with it myself, and I spoke up when it was appropriate. So, it's progress.
That's probably the biggest things going on right now. Other things, like continuing the job search, and still considering housemate options, are still going as before. But I'm able to be less stressed about everything in general, which is good. I'll be covered on my mortgage through the end of June, so I'm able to relax into the interview process and get a good job at good pay in a good environment in a good location. Tall order, no? I'm so demanding :) But ya gotta have faith! [insert song here]
OH! One other thing, in case you've missed it on my Facebook. The Super-Secret Olympic Project that I have been working on for the last couple of months is getting ready to launch in a couple of weeks. It's actually launching on April 21, which is the MardiParty, so I'll be going to the launch first for a little bit, getting my own Torch line to start around the world, and then off to Mardi's. Jason helped with the testing of the app, so he'll be going to the launch and getting a Torch line, too.
So here's the YouTube video of what it looks like - COOLNESS.
Pretty neat, eh? We're now in the promotional side of things - contating dignitaries, famous personalities, politicians, bloggers, etc. to launch their own Torches and get the word out. Very exciting!
Okay, done for now.
Work:
My last day at McK was March 30, and I'm so glad for it to be over.
Not in the "I'M FREEEEE!" sense, just that the chapter is done with, and I can now focus on looking for new employment. It was tremendously difficult to keep focus at the job I was leaving (I was under agreement not to "short-time" my attitude and to be dedicated to the job I was still employed at, even though I was leaving). So to try and give a damn when I was increasingly less responsible for things made it very difficult in my head. Plus, I've got the 2012 Torch Project (I took over for a girl who left/was dismissed), and I wrote most of my recent short-story submission in that last week as well. Add in job hunting/applying and housemate vetting, and you get a lot of stuff happening in my brain. Big things, little space. Is no bueno.
So, once my focus was no longer so divided (and I sent my short story off that same night), I could start to feel much better. It helped that I got an incredibly generous severance package that gives me some breathing room, AND I had a nice temp job lined up that will go for about a week and a half. Plus two interviews this week (possibly more), and I'm feeling optimistic on the job front. Or at least hopeful. Enough, anyway, to allow me to turn down a job at the Pandora jewelry store in the U-Village, because the retail hours and the pay weren't going to be worth my while, nor my value (in my opinion). If I didn't have these other things, I'd probably have taken it. It was a sweet group of girls/managers, and the product looked like fun to sell. But at $12/hour, and a schedule that was probably going to be more hassle than it was worth, I decided to pass, and hold out for something better.
I have been very fortunate to have such good momentum, coming out of a steady job into an unknown future. After all, I could have stayed at McK and waited for something to come available there - I would have known the "where," just not the "when." Instead, I chose to know the "when" rather than the "where," and I still think it was the right decision for me at this point. I don't feel like I'm dying a little inside when I go to work. I am reinvigorated for my life.
Plus, this temp job is SOOO nice. The office environment is very friendly and absolutely everybody says hello, good morning, how was your weekend, etc. The Service department at McK was getting very toxic, where people just trudged into their cubicles and slogged through the day, with earphones in if they were lucky. I'm also enjoying the considerable break from responsibility. The phone rings like 3-5 times an hour at this front desk (by comparison, just in dispatch it could be ringing every few minutes). When someone calls in with a problem, I pass it off to someone else to fix. I sort the mail once a day (it takes about an hour). My commute is the easiest I have ever, ever had. Overall, it's like a paid vacation for my brain! I don't know that I could do this long-term, but for right now it's satisfyingly easy.
Family:
Went over to Wenatchee for a quick 48-hour visit over the Easter weekend, since my sister and her family (husband Brian, sons Dylan and Gabe) were up from Portland and my brother Bill from Columbus and family (wife Jamie, daughters Alexis and Cameryn, son Michael) were all visiting for a mini-family reunion. It was mostly a good trip although some parts of it were less savory than others (really, mom? cleaning the bathroom on my trip? WTH? oh well...). Some parts were great, like when Bill & Jamie announced they were expecting their 4th baby at the end of September - YAYAYAYAY! And one incident where I decided I'd finally had enough of certain things.
See, my family likes to repeat the same jokes and stories over and over again. Sometimes they are actually funny, and my dad is a born storyteller. Sometimes it's just really old, like this old joke that's "funny because it's true." I'm the youngest of 5 - 1 sister, 3 brothers, and the only one not married/has children. Granted, these are things that I really want for myself (see previous posts on this topic. or my therapist), and while there's no specific pressure on me to get them - my parents having 8+ grandchildren and all - it's definitely commented on at least once during every family get-together in some fashion. In this case, there's an incredibly tired joke that no matter what Brian does (he likes to push people's buttons), he's still be the favorite son-in-law! AHAHAHA. Get it? Because there's an unspoken second half to the statement, being that there is no other choice. Now, maybe this would be more amusing if they didn't have a second daughter of marriagable age, but since they do, this digs at me every. single. time. But they think it's all uproariously clever.
When this got trotted out on Saturday, while we had 14 people over for dinner, I left the company entirely and went downstairs with my phone to have my pissy fit in peace and not make a scene. My mom came down shortly afterwards to get something, and saw me sitting there, asked what I was doing, and I replied, "Avoiding people." She heard the tone in my voice and asked what was wrong. I told her, and she said, "oh, I don't think it's meant like that..." and I'm telling her no, it's exactly meant like that, because there is no other way for that statment to mean something else. And since I'm in therapy for relationship issues, I'd appreciate it if it wasn't a punchline.
Then I mentioned the snarky, bitchy comment my sister made a Christmas, during a conversation about how she wants to get chickens (doing the urban chicken thing). And someone asked, "well, don't they stop laying after a while? what are you going to do with them?" She replied that she'd keep them as pets until they died naturally. Someone else then asked "why would you want to keep something around that you just have to feed and doesn't produce?" and Michelle's answer was to gesture at me and say "Well, look at Ashley!"
HARDEE-HAR-HAR. I picked up a glass of wine to throw in her face, and my mother stopped me, saying not to waste the good wine. Again, in an attempt to not cause a scene, I settled down. But I sure didn't forget.
My mother did not remember this exchange from Christmas, conveniently enough. I also reminded her about an incident about 4 years ago, when I said something to my sister (a statement of fact - not a bitchy joke) that caused her to stop speaking to me for over 2 years. What was impressed on me by my sister, her husband, and my mother at that time was that regardless of my intent with the comment, it didn't matter because it hurt someone. When I brought this up to my mother in a gee-the-tables-have-turned way, she told me that I needed to let it go, and that my sister was just joking.
I got very upset (calmly, though - not crying) and told my mother that was unacceptable. First of all, since the lesson was that intent didn't matter, I didn't care if she was "just joking," because it hurt. More to the point, it was deliberately, viciously, mean. I had not set out to hurt her with my comment, but she had specifically done so. Whether of not she "intended" it, I was hurt by it, and for my mother to tell me that my feelings about it were invalid? That made it even more unacceptable. My feelings are my feelings, and nobody gets to tell me otherwise. And, I was done being silent about it.
Mom considered this and didn't really say much else, either in defense or "advice." Granted, we had continued this conversation after everyone had left and it was a busy day, so she was tired, but I hope something got through. It's a start anyway, both externally (letting other people know what I no longer find acceptable treatment of me) and internally (that I can actually express myself in my WASP-y family and the world doesn't stop turning, and that I can do with without getting hysterical). Congratulations, Ashley! You're almost 30 and you've learned how to act like an adult! Gold star :)
I understand how I could be seen as being hypersensitive about this stuff, and that I should just let it roll off my back. But, I don't really want to, because it's really not okay anymore. And I think it's important for me to grow and become stronger, more assertive about what I do and don't want in my life instead of just letting it happen (or not happen). I tried to handle this maturely over the weekend - I didn't throw a beverage, I didn't throw a tantrum, I didn't go out of my way to make anyone else uncomfortable during the party. I went off to deal with it myself, and I spoke up when it was appropriate. So, it's progress.
That's probably the biggest things going on right now. Other things, like continuing the job search, and still considering housemate options, are still going as before. But I'm able to be less stressed about everything in general, which is good. I'll be covered on my mortgage through the end of June, so I'm able to relax into the interview process and get a good job at good pay in a good environment in a good location. Tall order, no? I'm so demanding :) But ya gotta have faith! [insert song here]
OH! One other thing, in case you've missed it on my Facebook. The Super-Secret Olympic Project that I have been working on for the last couple of months is getting ready to launch in a couple of weeks. It's actually launching on April 21, which is the MardiParty, so I'll be going to the launch first for a little bit, getting my own Torch line to start around the world, and then off to Mardi's. Jason helped with the testing of the app, so he'll be going to the launch and getting a Torch line, too.
So here's the YouTube video of what it looks like - COOLNESS.
Click to viewPretty neat, eh? We're now in the promotional side of things - contating dignitaries, famous personalities, politicians, bloggers, etc. to launch their own Torches and get the word out. Very exciting!
Okay, done for now.