Some fools think of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness.
There's a lot of random things going on with me lately. I've posted a bit here and there, but I feel the need to go more in depth. In order to actually get these things posted, and to spare your brains (should you feel inclined to actually read them all), I'll just do one subject at a time. Starting with love.
There’s an… interesting, for lack of a better word (I’m open to suggestions)… dynamic going on with Clay and me. I’ve not really posted much about him, and a few of you have met him, but here’s the whole story, as of now.
Clay and I met swing dancing last August. I was in the middle of a dating spree (thanks to eHarmony), but as soon as we started dating, all other guys became a lot less interesting to me. Clay literally swept me off my feet on our first date (dinner and snuggles up at Alki Beach). He read me Shakespearean sonnets as we cuddled under a blanket, then picked me up and danced with me in his arms, singing to me. As he walked me back to my car later, he sang “L, is for the way you look at me. O is for the only one I see…” and so on. We started necking at my car, and the size and intensity of my hickeys were an indicator of things to come (I’ve since invested in cover-up. A lot.)
We’re now at 7 months into our relationship. By the end of the first week, we both knew we were head-over-heels for each other, but we were also very clear with each other - I really want marriage, kids, the white picket fence thing. He was less sure at the beginning, but has since more firmly come to the realization that he really doesn’t. However - there’s still a LOT of love between the two of us, so it’s been the topic of a lot of discussions lately.
Of all the guys I’ve been with, at least in my adult years, Clay is the one who has proven to be the most interested in actually TALKING with me about things. My early dating years (teenage - 21 years old) were, for lack of a better word, playful. Nothing really serious came of any relationship, except the one I had for 2 ½ years in high school with Ryan (who actually reminds me a lot of Clay, and is also the most healthy of any other relationship I’ve had to date). Just a couple of weeks after my 21st birthday, though, I went through a break-up that I’ve begun to refer to as apocalyptic. It devastated me, and drastically changed a lot of things about me and the way I deal with relationships (especially break-ups, which ARE part of relationships, in the end). That was 2004. If you do the math… why yes, that WAS seven years ago! I made several mistakes in dealing with that break-up - I should have gotten some therapy, I should not have kept sleeping with him (even virtually, over the internet) for 10 months, and I should have realized that he was a jerk. There were other factors, but those were three big things that I could have done differently, and chose not to do so. But what’s done is done, and I’ve been dealing with those consequences for the better part of a decade now. I would really like to stop now, but it’s not the same as turning off a light switch. So,
My longest adult relationship, the 2 ½ years with Shawn, was a rather bizarre episode, in retrospect. I broke up with him almost a year ago, and I do not regret it. In fact, I probably should have done it a year earlier, but apparently my lady-balls are slow-growing. But eventually, I did, and while it was bittersweet, I knew it was the right thing to do. But our relationship wasn’t very deep - we saw each other maybe once or twice a week, and it wasn’t really what I would call “quality time.” Usually the TV was the featured event, and not a lot of talking. For a while, that was okay, and then I realized that I wanted more. More love, more depth, more conversations, more everything. And it was a big deal for me to take the steps to say “this is not enough for me anymore,” and to follow through with it.
After that, though, oh my god. Last year was a hell-raiser of a year on my heart. Ups, downs, sideways, rotisserie - you name it. Some of you knew about it, but most of you didn’t. Or if you did, you might have been getting information from a source that was not me. Quite frankly, I don’t really want to go through that again, and I’m beginning to believe it’s not necessary (but it’s still hard). The last couple of months with Clay have been an attempt to moderate these astronomical emotional swings. A part of me has always known it couldn’t last - there are some fundamental differences that would make it impossible for us to build a life together without someone giving up who they are, and that’s not right, nor is it going to happen. But I do love him tremendously, and I know that he loves me back. He’s been SO healthy for me - encouraging me to actually fight with him (I’m overly passive by nature, and prone to believing that fights lead to breaking up. NOT ALWAYS TRUE, ASHLEY), to explore more options than I think exist and lately, to be okay with breaking up. He’s also done some things that I wished other guys would have done - actually probe into my past and find out what’s made me the way that I am. He listened to my request, and contacted Gretchen to find out what happened with me seven years ago. I wasn’t in the eye of the storm at that time - I was the storm, and I am utterly incapable of telling what I was like to another person. Gretchen, however, knows me better than anyone (probably including myself), and I suggested that he talk with her to help figure me out. Gretchen told me that when he contacted her, she said “FINALLY!” She knew that this would be coming, from someone, but she’s been really shocked it’s taken so long for anyone to have the interest and the love to actually attempt this maze. And when it finally did, it turned out to be someone that isn’t actually going to be around forever, but who cares so much for me that he wants me to be happy and who wants to find a way to break up without sending me into an emotional death-spiral.
So, we’re breaking up. It’s going to happen, and probably fairly soon. We’ve talked extensively, and I’m getting to a point where we can talk about it without me bursting into tears. The man wanted to have a break-up party, with all of our friends. Bless him, he tried very hard to convince to get on board with this idea, but I just… can’t do that. For one thing, it would be too many mixed emotions for me, what with trying to make sure everyone has a good time, and also being really emotional. FUN FOR EVERYONE! For another thing, I think it would be really awkward for anyone that did want to come, because what do you say? Congrats? But what we will probably do instead is take a long weekend and go somewhere, like Deception Pass or the Pacific Coast for a couple of days, spend a weekday at Banya5 for some relaxation, and then call it done. There’s a good chance that we will turn into friends (it’s rare for me, but has happened, and it’s rather common for him), and I am hoping to come out of it all a little happy, a little sad, not regretful, and with hope.
I love him fiercely. It’s the most I’ve loved someone, and been loved in return, since I’ve become an adult and it’s hard for me to let this go and believe that something even better would be coming along. Hope, Faith, Belief - these are scary words to someone as emotive as me, since there is an implied potential for the opposite, like Failure, Disappointment, Regret. Mountain high, valley low. So we shall see what happens, and I try to hope (there’s that scary word again!) that things will actually work out for the best.
There’s an… interesting, for lack of a better word (I’m open to suggestions)… dynamic going on with Clay and me. I’ve not really posted much about him, and a few of you have met him, but here’s the whole story, as of now.
Clay and I met swing dancing last August. I was in the middle of a dating spree (thanks to eHarmony), but as soon as we started dating, all other guys became a lot less interesting to me. Clay literally swept me off my feet on our first date (dinner and snuggles up at Alki Beach). He read me Shakespearean sonnets as we cuddled under a blanket, then picked me up and danced with me in his arms, singing to me. As he walked me back to my car later, he sang “L, is for the way you look at me. O is for the only one I see…” and so on. We started necking at my car, and the size and intensity of my hickeys were an indicator of things to come (I’ve since invested in cover-up. A lot.)
We’re now at 7 months into our relationship. By the end of the first week, we both knew we were head-over-heels for each other, but we were also very clear with each other - I really want marriage, kids, the white picket fence thing. He was less sure at the beginning, but has since more firmly come to the realization that he really doesn’t. However - there’s still a LOT of love between the two of us, so it’s been the topic of a lot of discussions lately.
Of all the guys I’ve been with, at least in my adult years, Clay is the one who has proven to be the most interested in actually TALKING with me about things. My early dating years (teenage - 21 years old) were, for lack of a better word, playful. Nothing really serious came of any relationship, except the one I had for 2 ½ years in high school with Ryan (who actually reminds me a lot of Clay, and is also the most healthy of any other relationship I’ve had to date). Just a couple of weeks after my 21st birthday, though, I went through a break-up that I’ve begun to refer to as apocalyptic. It devastated me, and drastically changed a lot of things about me and the way I deal with relationships (especially break-ups, which ARE part of relationships, in the end). That was 2004. If you do the math… why yes, that WAS seven years ago! I made several mistakes in dealing with that break-up - I should have gotten some therapy, I should not have kept sleeping with him (even virtually, over the internet) for 10 months, and I should have realized that he was a jerk. There were other factors, but those were three big things that I could have done differently, and chose not to do so. But what’s done is done, and I’ve been dealing with those consequences for the better part of a decade now. I would really like to stop now, but it’s not the same as turning off a light switch. So,
My longest adult relationship, the 2 ½ years with Shawn, was a rather bizarre episode, in retrospect. I broke up with him almost a year ago, and I do not regret it. In fact, I probably should have done it a year earlier, but apparently my lady-balls are slow-growing. But eventually, I did, and while it was bittersweet, I knew it was the right thing to do. But our relationship wasn’t very deep - we saw each other maybe once or twice a week, and it wasn’t really what I would call “quality time.” Usually the TV was the featured event, and not a lot of talking. For a while, that was okay, and then I realized that I wanted more. More love, more depth, more conversations, more everything. And it was a big deal for me to take the steps to say “this is not enough for me anymore,” and to follow through with it.
After that, though, oh my god. Last year was a hell-raiser of a year on my heart. Ups, downs, sideways, rotisserie - you name it. Some of you knew about it, but most of you didn’t. Or if you did, you might have been getting information from a source that was not me. Quite frankly, I don’t really want to go through that again, and I’m beginning to believe it’s not necessary (but it’s still hard). The last couple of months with Clay have been an attempt to moderate these astronomical emotional swings. A part of me has always known it couldn’t last - there are some fundamental differences that would make it impossible for us to build a life together without someone giving up who they are, and that’s not right, nor is it going to happen. But I do love him tremendously, and I know that he loves me back. He’s been SO healthy for me - encouraging me to actually fight with him (I’m overly passive by nature, and prone to believing that fights lead to breaking up. NOT ALWAYS TRUE, ASHLEY), to explore more options than I think exist and lately, to be okay with breaking up. He’s also done some things that I wished other guys would have done - actually probe into my past and find out what’s made me the way that I am. He listened to my request, and contacted Gretchen to find out what happened with me seven years ago. I wasn’t in the eye of the storm at that time - I was the storm, and I am utterly incapable of telling what I was like to another person. Gretchen, however, knows me better than anyone (probably including myself), and I suggested that he talk with her to help figure me out. Gretchen told me that when he contacted her, she said “FINALLY!” She knew that this would be coming, from someone, but she’s been really shocked it’s taken so long for anyone to have the interest and the love to actually attempt this maze. And when it finally did, it turned out to be someone that isn’t actually going to be around forever, but who cares so much for me that he wants me to be happy and who wants to find a way to break up without sending me into an emotional death-spiral.
So, we’re breaking up. It’s going to happen, and probably fairly soon. We’ve talked extensively, and I’m getting to a point where we can talk about it without me bursting into tears. The man wanted to have a break-up party, with all of our friends. Bless him, he tried very hard to convince to get on board with this idea, but I just… can’t do that. For one thing, it would be too many mixed emotions for me, what with trying to make sure everyone has a good time, and also being really emotional. FUN FOR EVERYONE! For another thing, I think it would be really awkward for anyone that did want to come, because what do you say? Congrats? But what we will probably do instead is take a long weekend and go somewhere, like Deception Pass or the Pacific Coast for a couple of days, spend a weekday at Banya5 for some relaxation, and then call it done. There’s a good chance that we will turn into friends (it’s rare for me, but has happened, and it’s rather common for him), and I am hoping to come out of it all a little happy, a little sad, not regretful, and with hope.
I love him fiercely. It’s the most I’ve loved someone, and been loved in return, since I’ve become an adult and it’s hard for me to let this go and believe that something even better would be coming along. Hope, Faith, Belief - these are scary words to someone as emotive as me, since there is an implied potential for the opposite, like Failure, Disappointment, Regret. Mountain high, valley low. So we shall see what happens, and I try to hope (there’s that scary word again!) that things will actually work out for the best.