such crap
ok this is all such crap. how is it that nothing I ever try to do ever works out. nothing. not a flippin thing. everytime I make any sort of plans, they get royally screwed up. and not matter what the crap I do, nothing is ever good enough.
I really don’t wanna sound angry, or pissy, or unhappy. but im so crappin tired of acting like something im not. I don’t wanna have to deal with this crap anymore.
oh man so much has changed since last year. I can remember sittin on my front porch with david at the end of last summer. he told me that when I turned 16 everything would change. I shrugged him off because I thought I knew everything. well, this year has taught me how little I know. I don’t regret anything, because that’s another thing I learned. ironically, I learned it from him. go figure. I turn 17 tomorrow, and I don’t even know what to think. I want time to stop so that my mind has time to catch up. im still trying to figure out everything that happened this summer, and my life is speeding ahead and leaving me behind. and everyone thinks that I am so responsible. why, I have no clue. but I really just don’t care right now. right now some of the things that I thought were so important last year seem so pointless right now. like, im still worried about my grades, but not as much. I mean, whats the point of valedictorian? to have a paper that says I was smarter than everyone in highschool? that’s bull. I don’t care if im smarter than them. ive had ppl telling me im smarter than them since the 3rd grade, and where has it gotten me? abso-stinkin-lutely nowhere. I hate being smart. why would I want a paper and a big ceremony so that everyone who already resents me for doing well in school will just resent me more. the ppl who don’t resent me will like me just as much if I don’t get valedictorian. and my senior year. I don’t even want to bother with it. if I could graduate this year, I would in a second. I don’t care about senior trip, I don’t care about senior prom. its all bull. whats the point? to go with ppl I don’t know and be the odd man out for all of the reasons that have been there all through highschool. u see, all this crap. I don’t even understand why I feel this way. its not that I don’t like the ppl here. its just that sometimes I get annoyed with it all, and im so tired of acting like im not.
maybe ive really changed for the worse. like seriously worse. maybe im a total jerk now and I don’t even realize it. maybe I was better off when noone knew me and I didn’t talk to anyone. maybe it would have all been better if I had never differentiated from how I was as a freshman. but I wasn’t happy then at all. and theres no point in even dwelling on all of that because theres no going back. I can change back, but I will never be the same as I was. and I don’t want to be. I was naïve, self-righteous, stuck up, and… just plain… egh. now. I don’t even know what I am. but whatever. I just wish I could just let this all work out, see where it goes. but I cant because everyone is rushing me to see where I am.
ok so I just got home from work and im gonna finish this post.. I feel a lot better. part of it is that I just needed time to calm down from school. and part of it is just because I love workin so much. I really am so happy that I have such an enjoyable job, and it pisses me off that Scottie thinks he can just tell me to get a new job. this job that I have is one that’s tough to get, and to quit would be stupid.
anyway, im not gonna stress this weekend. that was part of the reason I was so pissed off- because what was happenin tomorrow was stressin me out. I just didn’t know what to do. I still don’t really, but im just gonna do whatever works out and im gonna make it fun. so yea, I feel better. im still kinda annoyed with all this crap, but its all good. I talked to mom about it, and she helped me figure a bit of it out. so whatever. itll all work out, and if it doesn’t, then that’s how it goes. I only have so much control over it all..
I really don’t wanna sound angry, or pissy, or unhappy. but im so crappin tired of acting like something im not. I don’t wanna have to deal with this crap anymore.
oh man so much has changed since last year. I can remember sittin on my front porch with david at the end of last summer. he told me that when I turned 16 everything would change. I shrugged him off because I thought I knew everything. well, this year has taught me how little I know. I don’t regret anything, because that’s another thing I learned. ironically, I learned it from him. go figure. I turn 17 tomorrow, and I don’t even know what to think. I want time to stop so that my mind has time to catch up. im still trying to figure out everything that happened this summer, and my life is speeding ahead and leaving me behind. and everyone thinks that I am so responsible. why, I have no clue. but I really just don’t care right now. right now some of the things that I thought were so important last year seem so pointless right now. like, im still worried about my grades, but not as much. I mean, whats the point of valedictorian? to have a paper that says I was smarter than everyone in highschool? that’s bull. I don’t care if im smarter than them. ive had ppl telling me im smarter than them since the 3rd grade, and where has it gotten me? abso-stinkin-lutely nowhere. I hate being smart. why would I want a paper and a big ceremony so that everyone who already resents me for doing well in school will just resent me more. the ppl who don’t resent me will like me just as much if I don’t get valedictorian. and my senior year. I don’t even want to bother with it. if I could graduate this year, I would in a second. I don’t care about senior trip, I don’t care about senior prom. its all bull. whats the point? to go with ppl I don’t know and be the odd man out for all of the reasons that have been there all through highschool. u see, all this crap. I don’t even understand why I feel this way. its not that I don’t like the ppl here. its just that sometimes I get annoyed with it all, and im so tired of acting like im not.
maybe ive really changed for the worse. like seriously worse. maybe im a total jerk now and I don’t even realize it. maybe I was better off when noone knew me and I didn’t talk to anyone. maybe it would have all been better if I had never differentiated from how I was as a freshman. but I wasn’t happy then at all. and theres no point in even dwelling on all of that because theres no going back. I can change back, but I will never be the same as I was. and I don’t want to be. I was naïve, self-righteous, stuck up, and… just plain… egh. now. I don’t even know what I am. but whatever. I just wish I could just let this all work out, see where it goes. but I cant because everyone is rushing me to see where I am.
ok so I just got home from work and im gonna finish this post.. I feel a lot better. part of it is that I just needed time to calm down from school. and part of it is just because I love workin so much. I really am so happy that I have such an enjoyable job, and it pisses me off that Scottie thinks he can just tell me to get a new job. this job that I have is one that’s tough to get, and to quit would be stupid.
anyway, im not gonna stress this weekend. that was part of the reason I was so pissed off- because what was happenin tomorrow was stressin me out. I just didn’t know what to do. I still don’t really, but im just gonna do whatever works out and im gonna make it fun. so yea, I feel better. im still kinda annoyed with all this crap, but its all good. I talked to mom about it, and she helped me figure a bit of it out. so whatever. itll all work out, and if it doesn’t, then that’s how it goes. I only have so much control over it all..