The Moment of Truth
I have absolutely no idea how long this is going to end up being, so I'll just start out by putting it behind a cut.
Decisions scare me. Not so much because of the committment, but simply because I realize that there will be something, on either side of the decision, that will make me regret that decision for the rest of my life. Obviously, this doesn't necessarily apply to the uber-tiny decisions, like which flavor ice cream you chose at Baskin-Robbin's, but it definately applies to the huge decisions, like whether or not to leave school, or whether or not you should continue to put energy and time towards friendships in which the other "friend" is putting no time and energy towards. We'll start there, and then move forward.
I learned a lot of things about a lot of people when I went home this weekend. And, they're not necessarily things that I wanted to learn.
First off, there's Sloane. When I'm at school, she acts so caring, and so nurturing, but it was like the second I got home, she stopped showing those emotions, and just went back to putting up that wall that she hides behind, and pretended like nothing bothered her. And, as lame as it sounds, I began to wonder (and am still wondering) which was an act, and whether or not she really cares or not. I attempted to tell her that she (as well as Krystle) had a rather large impact on whether or not I will leave the School of the Arts, and she went off on me. I dunno. It was just lame, is all...
Secondly, there's Krystle. Ah yes. The inevitable Krystle. I spoke with her for maybe a total of about 12 minutes this weekend. I called her several times, left messages, and she said she'd call me back, but she never did. It seems to be the way things with her are going lately. She'll claim that she'll call me back, but then say that she's way too busy to call me. Which, under normal circumstances, would be perfectly acceptable, because I realize what a busy schedule we have here at the School of the Arts. However, when she does have free time, and I ask if we can hang out or something, she says that she's too busy, but also that she's going down to Alex's. She also acts like calling be back is simply an obligation, and that she's really not interested in any contact with me. It's fucking bull shit.
So, there sits my predicament. Neither of the most important people in my life seem to have any interest in wanting me around them. I dunno, maybe I should just bail on them both and see who comes back to me. But that's a really dick move to do. And, I don't want to risk losing either of them, no matter how much pain they may cause me. It's a lose-lose situation, really, and I have absolutely no idea what to do.
However, I have some interestingly random news. Last night, Stephanie Marum and I talked on the phone (with eachother, obviously) for about an hour. It was funny, in hindsight. I mean, we've never really talked, I dunno. I just thought it was cool.
So, thus far, I think I'm leaving at Spring Break. It's just something I'm going to have to do. I need to start over. Whether or not that means leaving people behind, I don't know. But it's definately not fair to myself to keep chasing my tail here, running in the same circles over and over again. So, I'll leave you with that.
Decisions scare me. Not so much because of the committment, but simply because I realize that there will be something, on either side of the decision, that will make me regret that decision for the rest of my life. Obviously, this doesn't necessarily apply to the uber-tiny decisions, like which flavor ice cream you chose at Baskin-Robbin's, but it definately applies to the huge decisions, like whether or not to leave school, or whether or not you should continue to put energy and time towards friendships in which the other "friend" is putting no time and energy towards. We'll start there, and then move forward.
I learned a lot of things about a lot of people when I went home this weekend. And, they're not necessarily things that I wanted to learn.
First off, there's Sloane. When I'm at school, she acts so caring, and so nurturing, but it was like the second I got home, she stopped showing those emotions, and just went back to putting up that wall that she hides behind, and pretended like nothing bothered her. And, as lame as it sounds, I began to wonder (and am still wondering) which was an act, and whether or not she really cares or not. I attempted to tell her that she (as well as Krystle) had a rather large impact on whether or not I will leave the School of the Arts, and she went off on me. I dunno. It was just lame, is all...
Secondly, there's Krystle. Ah yes. The inevitable Krystle. I spoke with her for maybe a total of about 12 minutes this weekend. I called her several times, left messages, and she said she'd call me back, but she never did. It seems to be the way things with her are going lately. She'll claim that she'll call me back, but then say that she's way too busy to call me. Which, under normal circumstances, would be perfectly acceptable, because I realize what a busy schedule we have here at the School of the Arts. However, when she does have free time, and I ask if we can hang out or something, she says that she's too busy, but also that she's going down to Alex's. She also acts like calling be back is simply an obligation, and that she's really not interested in any contact with me. It's fucking bull shit.
So, there sits my predicament. Neither of the most important people in my life seem to have any interest in wanting me around them. I dunno, maybe I should just bail on them both and see who comes back to me. But that's a really dick move to do. And, I don't want to risk losing either of them, no matter how much pain they may cause me. It's a lose-lose situation, really, and I have absolutely no idea what to do.
However, I have some interestingly random news. Last night, Stephanie Marum and I talked on the phone (with eachother, obviously) for about an hour. It was funny, in hindsight. I mean, we've never really talked, I dunno. I just thought it was cool.
So, thus far, I think I'm leaving at Spring Break. It's just something I'm going to have to do. I need to start over. Whether or not that means leaving people behind, I don't know. But it's definately not fair to myself to keep chasing my tail here, running in the same circles over and over again. So, I'll leave you with that.