small wonder
Open. 8:04am
Rushrushrush to school. In my first class I spaced out quite a bit, thinking(sometimes) of how people could be full to the brim with talent and able to access it as well, whereas I feel that I am only half full, and maybe of just potential, and even that is hard to tap. In second I didn't speak much because it isn't worth it anymore. In third, I was angry and directed my narrowed eyes at my teacher's face, wondering if she knows how deceiving she is. In fourth I ate a lot, maybe too much, but I'm always eating too much. In fifth I relaxed and dreamed of the day I would leave, and wondered if I'd be more sad or more happy, or just very scared.
Throughout all of this I read snippets of Crime and Punishment. I've just begun my second reading and I feel less sympathy for Marmeladov. I've changed since I last read it, I think. That was a year ago.
Played a lot of live Xbox today, mostly Unreal. Some little boy and I chanted "Tony Montana" together (I don't know who that is, but apparently he's the man). Then he and a friend chanted, "Your whisper is stupid," and I realized I still had a voice mask. So when I changed back to my own, they chanted "He stopped the whisper," and I corrected them with, "She stopped the whisper." Then the little boy started singing that I'm a little girly and shouldn't I be brushing my hair? I teased him back about his being little and having a girl voice and felt like he was my little brother and I was sad to leave, but I had to make money. Spent three hours teaching and came back to watch that volleyball game with all the breasts. Left for family time.
My grandma is old. When I was a little girl, she always used to rub my shoulder blade in this way, and her smell made me feel safe (when she finished crocheting my blanket, I asked her to spray her perfume all over it). My grandma asks me how I can bear to leave her, and why am I doing this to her, and don't I care about her..."I have to."
And I do have to.
Close. 10:17pm
Rushrushrush to school. In my first class I spaced out quite a bit, thinking(sometimes) of how people could be full to the brim with talent and able to access it as well, whereas I feel that I am only half full, and maybe of just potential, and even that is hard to tap. In second I didn't speak much because it isn't worth it anymore. In third, I was angry and directed my narrowed eyes at my teacher's face, wondering if she knows how deceiving she is. In fourth I ate a lot, maybe too much, but I'm always eating too much. In fifth I relaxed and dreamed of the day I would leave, and wondered if I'd be more sad or more happy, or just very scared.
Throughout all of this I read snippets of Crime and Punishment. I've just begun my second reading and I feel less sympathy for Marmeladov. I've changed since I last read it, I think. That was a year ago.
Played a lot of live Xbox today, mostly Unreal. Some little boy and I chanted "Tony Montana" together (I don't know who that is, but apparently he's the man). Then he and a friend chanted, "Your whisper is stupid," and I realized I still had a voice mask. So when I changed back to my own, they chanted "He stopped the whisper," and I corrected them with, "She stopped the whisper." Then the little boy started singing that I'm a little girly and shouldn't I be brushing my hair? I teased him back about his being little and having a girl voice and felt like he was my little brother and I was sad to leave, but I had to make money. Spent three hours teaching and came back to watch that volleyball game with all the breasts. Left for family time.
My grandma is old. When I was a little girl, she always used to rub my shoulder blade in this way, and her smell made me feel safe (when she finished crocheting my blanket, I asked her to spray her perfume all over it). My grandma asks me how I can bear to leave her, and why am I doing this to her, and don't I care about her..."I have to."
And I do have to.
Close. 10:17pm