so let go, let go.
Do not be afraid of sudden fear, nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught. Proverbs 3 (read the whole chapter)
"There's nothing to be afraid of, 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.' It won't be as bad as you think." I know, but it's so much harder than you think. You are such a good friend, Nate.
I've had so much on my mind lately, so many things I want so bad to say. I am never really content in the way I express myself. I try to tell people things and feel like they don't understand the same at all, like no one feels the same about something. It's hard to sort things out sometimes. It's hard when you know what you have to do to feel peace, and the only thing holding you back is a fear you feel is too great to overcome. I do have more of a peace about certain things. Books, the Bible, encouraging conversations with friends, silence, my Savior. How can one day, one event, one bad memory just ruin someone's life? How can a person people think is wise enough to not let things get to her, let one bad thing overpower every good thing?
It comes and goes over the days. It gets harder and harder as it sits, not allowed to be taken care of. I always wanted, begged, to know how to move on, get through things, use it for good. Now I know. I'm stubborn and stuck in one place. I feel like I'm trapped at a dead end. I've been taken down a path, having no choice on wanting to go down the path or not. It was hard and sometimes felt never ending. Then the dead end comes. The first path is done with, but the journey is not over. You're told how to go on to make it to the end, but the woods are thick. So much of life could be wasted sitting at the dead end while I worry whether or not to go through the woods. I never thought I would consider wasting my God-give life over a fear.
I won't let it happen. I won't. What will it really fix, though? It won't erase the memory. God, help me see the good. All I see are awkward moments, puking, crying, more hard feelings. I am an optimist, I promise. There is a life Christ made only meant to be lived by me, and there is a lot of good in it. I won't sit on the gifts He's given me. He saved me from everything. He gave me a beautiful story, and I want to tell it. The story is the gospel, and people must know it. He's adding to my story, I know. "The Lord has made everything for its own purpose, even the wicked for the day of evil." (uhh..Proverbs 17:3?) It's hard to use it as a witness when I've told a total of two people the whole story.
Things have been getting harder, but better I suppose. I hate this feeling of failure. I want to make God proud. I want people to see how much I love Him and how much He first loved me. I feel fake. This double life of broken heart and happiness is no fun. I feel like I'm playing a game to keep people happy, keep them from asking questions they won't accept can't be answered. There was a time I felt I couldn't talk to God any longer until I fixed the things in my life. How silly. Please, come to me now. I'm tired of feeling like I can't have you. I'm sorry if my stalling frustrates You. Make it all go away. Please, can't You make an easy way? I know that on the other side of this I will eventually say it wasn't so bad, but Lord, I'm still on this side. Hold me, take me away from everything.
Distractions, interruptions, obstacles, failing the same test over and over. If you saw me when alone, lived in my head, you would believe me when I say I'm psyscho. Those four things happen every time I feel things going right, and I crack. That's why I've felt I can't go to God...because it's over and over and over, the same thing. I am eternally in debt to mercy, but I always will be. It's not about forgiving myself. I've never really understood that, because it's kind of weird to forgive yourself, I think. It's not like I could. It's about getting over my pride and accepting God's forgiveness for things. I suppose my problem is guilt of my own thoughts and sins and the blaming myself for others sin. Jesus will always forgive me anytime I ask Him, and I feel like fixing this on my own will repay Him. All He wants is to be let in, to heal hurts He never intended to happen.
Isaiah 43:25, "I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins."
Isaiah 44:22, "I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud, and your sins like a heavy mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you."
I Corinthians 8:35, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?"
Nope. Nothing. Nothing ever. No sin is too great to be forgiven. No wound too painful to be healed. No heart so broken that God's love cannot not put back together. I will never be so bold as to say I've been through as much as Christ, been hurt the way He has. He forgave those who killed him, so I should be able to forgive the one who killed a piece of my life. Christ conquered death. I can overcome this. His wounds and pain were real at one point, but are now a mere memory. His scars remain. They remind us that the pain and death were real, and they prove the hurt is over. His scars changed the world, because it gave the world life. His love is amazing. The choice to obey was His. Even Christ begged for an easier way. The choice to obey is mine. "Trust and Obey." Those two words will never again seem simple to me.
the bravest thing of all is always hope.
"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one also hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we eagerly wait for it." -Romans eight, verse twenty-four