it's you
As long as it’s Hankyung, Heechul doesn’t mind.
Pairings: Hanchul, Yunjae, ninja!Kangteuk
Rated: PG-13 for romance, angst
~
Heechul’s not oblivious, despite what everyone else thinks. He’s seen the way Hankyung steals glances at him when he thinks Heechul won’t notice, how Hankyung hangs on his every word; he’s noticed how Hankyung always rises to his defense whenever Heechul gets into an argument with someone else.
Heechul tries to ignore it. He’s not cruel either, despite his reputation. He doesn’t want to destroy Hankyung, his best friend, by telling him he doesn’t love him that way and that he should move on. He’s not even sure he doesn’t love Hankyung that way, but he doesn’t want to explore these feelings further-if he were being honest, the thought of giving so much of himself to anyone, even someone he loves, scares him.
Like all best friends, they have their differences and their arguments. Usually, it’s not so bad, but Heechul hasn’t been sleeping well lately (his knee still aches despite the doctors having said it was healed perfectly) and even gentle mild Hankyung’s a little snappish. (He misses his family, Heechul knows it by the way Hankyung stares silently out the window at the falling snow.)
Heechul doesn’t even remember what they fought about that day. He thinks it might’ve had something to do with Hankyung gently reprimanding him about his messy bedroom. Whatever the reason, Heechul snaps at him, his tiredness only fueling his irritation and making him say things he wouldn’t normally have said. Hankyung just stares at him, doesn’t even try to defend himself, and Heechul is starting to feel guilty about the heartbroken look on his best friend’s face.
He leaves before he can force himself to apologize, takes Leeteuk’s car (Kangin will explain later, if Leeteuk happens to mind), and goes to visit Yunho and Jaejoong because he doesn’t feel like putting up with anyone else right now.
Changmin smiles and lets him in, calling out to his bandmates to let them know Heechul’s come to visit. Yoochun is busy working on writing a new song, and nods at Heechul in acknowledgement as he passes the piano room.
Jaejoong is in the kitchen making dinner, with the help of Junsu. Heechul knows better than to disturb them, and sits down at the table next to Yunho, who appears to be sulking, probably having been kicked out of dinner preparations by Jaejoong. (It had happened quite often before, when Heechul was living with them.) Heechul smirks, already starting to forget his irritation with Hankyung.
He stays for dinner, much to Jaejoong’s delight and not so much Changmin’s. Yunho asks Heechul how he’s been, how Kangin’s faring now with Leeteuk, but Heechul’s struck most by the look in Yunho’s eyes when he looks at Jaejoong, by the way Junsu casts longing glances at their intertwined hands.
Later, Yunho’s helping Jaejoong with the dishes, laughing quietly and murmuring lovingly to him. Heechul tries not to listen in on their affectionate words despite his instincts-he feels like he’s eavesdropping on something much too private. (He honestly wonders how the others live with this every day.)
Junsu’s lying on his bed when Heechul pushes open the bedroom door, busy texting someone Heechul suspects is Eunhyuk. “Hyung,” Junsu greets him respectfully when he realizes Heechul’s standing there.
“Junsu sshi,” Heechul starts, and then stops. Junsu waits patiently for him to continue.
“Please don’t be offended, but...” Heechul hesitates, mentally scolding himself for showing weakness like this. “Are you in love with Jaejoong?”
Junsu stares at him, and then bursts out laughing. (Yunho hadn’t been lying about Junsu’s loud eukyangkyang, Heechul realizes.) “No, hyung,” he says dryly, in between chuckles. “I wouldn’t dream of it. Yunho hyung...” he trails off, smirking. “He’d be angry.”
Heechul doesn’t find that hard to believe at all. “You seem envious of them, though.”
Junsu nods agreeably. “I think everyone is, to some extent.”
“Why is that?” Heechul asks curiously.
Junsu’s gaze softens. “Well, obviously you’ve experienced them together,” he says. “It’s hard even for strangers to deny the depth of their feelings for each other.”
“Yunho treats Jaejoong like a queen,” Heechul remarks quietly, trying not to think about how Hankyung tries to do the same for Heechul. Hankyung’s affectionate He thinks he’s a prince echoes in his mind, and he shoves it away.
“Yunho hyung worships the ground Jaejoong hyung walks on,” Junsu agrees with a soft smile. “Everyone wants someone who’ll love them like that, don’t they?” He gives Heechul a look that makes Heechul suspect that Junsu knows exactly what’s going on with Hankyung, and realizes he needs to apologize before he loses the one he loves.
“Thank you, Junsu sshi,” Heechul says softly, and turns to leave.
The dorm’s quiet when he returns, but he knows Hankyung well enough by now to know that he’s still awake, bothered too much by his earlier fight with Heechul. Quietly, he pushes open the door to Hankyung’s bedroom, startling the other man who’s sitting at the computer, typing out an email in Chinese.
“Hankyung.” Heechul takes a deep breath, looking Hankyung in the eyes when the other man turns away from his computer to look at Heechul. “I...I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right, Chullie,” Hankyung says softly, but Heechul can see the weariness in his eyes, in his movements as he turns his back to Heechul to tug at his bedcovers.
“No, it’s not all right, Hannie,” Heechul says, a hint of desperation in his voice. He sees Hankyung stop in surprise; he’s never seen Heechul this vulnerable, not even when he woke up after the car accident. (Heechul thinks, briefly, that he doesn’t mind it so much, showing weakness in front of Hankyung.)
“Chullie-” Hankyung starts, but Heechul interrupts him.
“I’m sorry I don’t treat you right, Hankyung. I know you put up with a lot from me and I’m sorry for taking that for granted. I...I love you and I want you to know that.”
Hankyung stares at him for one long breathless moment and then pulls Heechul to him, kissing him on impulse and taking him by surprise.
Yet Heechul kisses back.
~
Years pass in a blur of passionate dances and sentimental songs and bright stages with their thousands of fans cheering them on, and Heechul’s grown accustomed to how Hankyung’s arm settles gently around his waist when they’re alone, how Hankyung barely even speaks Korean but always manages to understand Heechul perfectly.
Heechul, for his part, tries his hardest to be kinder to Hankyung. (He won’t ever admit it, but he hates it when Hankyung’s not with him.) Sometimes, he’s a little scared by how fully he’s given himself to Hankyung, but he’s convinced by the tenderness in Hankyung’s kisses that Hankyung will never break Heechul’s heart.
One evening, Hankyung’s gone out to buy groceries and Heechul’s at home alone, idly playing with the formatting of his webpage. His cellphone rings, and he picks up without checking caller ID like he usually does. “Yeoboseyo?”
“Heechul hyung?”
Heechul feels his breath catch at the numb terror in the other man’s voice. “Changmin sshi, is that you?”
“Yeah,” Changmin whispers, static crackling as he lets out a shaky breath, and Heechul can’t even find it in himself to berate Changmin for his lack of respect at the moment.
“What’s wrong?” he asks instead. “Aren’t you in Japan?”
“I’m using a pay phone,” Changmin says. Stops. “Hyung, I...I need you to help me, please.”
Heechul waits as Changmin gathers his thoughts together. He wonders what happened, to make even the stoic Changmin break down like this, and then thinks he’d rather not know.
“Hyung,” Changmin says finally. “I think you’ll hear about this soon, but...Jaejoong and Yoochun and Junsu are suing the company.”
“What?”
“They’re suing SM,” Changmin repeats shakily. “SM found out today and kicked them out of our apartment. I...I don’t know where they’ve gone to stay, but Yunho...I...I don’t know what to do about him, hyung,” Changmin finishes, sounding close to tears.
Heechul grits his teeth as he paces around his bedroom, biting back several colorful words he’d quite like to use. “How is Yunho doing?” he asks, but he and Changmin both know that what he’s really asking is How is Yunho reacting to Jaejoong leaving him.
“I don’t even know, hyung,” Changmin says desperately. “He...I don’t think it’s sunk in yet that Jaejoong’s left him. He seemed fine so I came out here for a few minutes to call you, but...well, I mean, you know how he and Jaejoong were?”
Heechul winces at the use of the past tense. It sounds completely wrong, especially using it in reference to Yunho and Jaejoong, and it creaks and grates at his ears like an old door that hasn’t been oiled. “You should go home,” he says after a moment of silence. “Take care of Yunho as well as Jaejoong would have. I’m sorry I can’t help you more, Changmin sshi.”
“It’s all right, hyung. Thank you,” Changmin adds, and hangs up. Heechul sits down heavily on the bed; he never thought it’d come to this.
Hankyung looks at him worriedly that night, trying to coax him in between kisses to tell him what’s wrong. Heechul shakes his head, pulls Hankyung into bed with him instead of answering, because he doesn’t want to dwell on Yunho and Jaejoong and what if Hankyung decides to leave? No one expects that Hankyung will ever go to that extreme; but then again, no one expected that Jaejoong would abandon Yunho.
Eunhyuk is devastated when he hears the news about JYJ, and Heechul watches pityingly as he cries into Donghae’s shoulder. The months crawl by as they promote their latest album with Super Show 2, and Heechul is forced to consider himself lucky that he can still smile at Hankyung across the stage and see Hankyung smile back, tender and loving and brimming with golden promises.
He knows Hankyung misses his family; he hasn’t been able to go home in almost two years because their schedules have been so busy. Heechul kisses him with passion when he’s homesick, and promises him that they can go back to visit soon and eat at that dumpling restaurant Hankyung loves to go to.
Hankyung stares out the window, and Heechul wonders what he’s thinking about.
Weeks later, Heechul isn’t at home when he gets the call; he’d gone to rehearse his solo with Henry and Ryeowook.
“Heechul sshi, you need to come home right now.”
Heechul frowns. “Kangin ah, I’m a little busy.”
“Please, it’s urgent,” Kangin insists, and the tension in his voice, the fear that sounds too much like Changmin’s, is what finally convinces Heechul to call a halt to the rehearsal and rush home.
He finds Leeteuk and Hankyung in the living room, locked in a staring contest that Hankyung seems to be winning. Heechul can see the tear tracks across Leeteuk’s face, and wonders what’s going on.
“Teukie?” he tries, breaking the silence.
“Heechul ah.” Leeteuk turns desperate eyes to him. “Please tell me you knew-”
“He didn’t,” Hankyung mutters, suddenly interested in the floor.
“What didn’t I know about?” Heechul snaps, his lack of patience manifesting itself.
Leeteuk stares at him, wide-eyed. “Hankyung is suing SM.”
The silence in the room stretches, so long that Henry shifts uncomfortably, violin in hand, tugging at Ryeowook’s sleeve and pulling him upstairs so the hyungs can settle the matter alone. Heechul’s still standing there, staring at Hankyung in shock, but Hankyung refuses to look at him.
“Hankyung, why?” he asks finally. His voice cracks but he doesn’t even care anymore-he just wants to know why Hankyung’s leaving him.
“They’ve been working me too hard,” Hankyung says flatly, without looking up. The smoothness of the way the Korean words roll off his tongue tells Heechul that lately Hankyung’s been hearing those words often. “They don’t let me have days off.”
“Who do you think you are?” Heechul shouts, his temper flaring. He takes a step forward, but Kangin reaches out and pulls him back, locking an arm around his waist with an apologetic glance at Leeteuk, who’s collapsed onto the couch and is crying silently. “They treat you the same way they treat all the rest of us! Why do you expect them to treat you better?”
His voice climbs in both volume and pitch, and dimly he feels bad for Yesung’s frightened expression as the younger man hurries Henry and Ryeowook out of the dorm. Last time Heechul got in a fight with Hankyung, Henry almost got hit in the side of the head with the metronome Heechul had thrown at Hankyung.
Heechul watches Hankyung’s hands clench into fists at his sides. “Because I deserve better, hyung,” he says coldly, looking Heechul in the eyes and daring him to respond, and Heechul would’ve fallen in sheer surprise if Kangin hadn’t had an arm around his waist. Hankyung’s voice, Hankyung’s eyes are empty, devoid of the warmth Heechul’s used to, and it shatters Heechul’s heart.
He never expected anything like that from Hankyung.
Heechul shoves Kangin away, ignores Leeteuk when the leader calls out to him pleadingly, and slams the door to the bedroom he shares (shared?) with Hankyung, collapsing on the bed. The door to the dorm opens, closes, followed by the sound of a car starting up outside, and he feels the first hot tears begin to slide down his cheeks as he muffles his sobs in the pillow.
(Before, Hankyung would have come in to comfort him. Heechul expected him to.)
The grapeseed scent that clings to Hankyung’s side of the bed wraps around Heechul like the way Hankyung hasn’t held him in weeks. It’s suffocating and sharp, now, leaving a sickening bitter taste in the back of Heechul’s throat to add to the mess of his broken heart, poking into his lungs like shards of glass stuffed haphazardly back where the whole fragile organ used to be.
SM is unsympathetic when Heechul asks for a few days off. “Your boyfriend should have thought about that before he left,” manager hyung says dismissively when Heechul tries to claim mourning rights, and Siwon pulls him away before he starts throwing punches.
“Hyung, please don’t leave me too,” the younger man says on the way home, almost begging, and Heechul sighs.
“I won’t.” There’s nothing for me in the outside world, he thinks but doesn’t say.
He cries in front of his fans for the first time when they perform in Beijing-so close to his love, yet so far away. Trying to gather himself together, he picks up the mic to sing his line, but breaks down crying again because he remembers Hankyung singing this line to him all the time. Siwon sings instead (just saving a damsel in distress, he jokes later), and Heechul covers his face with his hands and just sobs his heart out on stage.
All of his bandmates know that Heechul’s a drama queen with a fiery diva personality, and that he often plays up his complaining to get attention, but even Kibum treads carefully around Heechul these days, Kibum who everyone knows can get away with anything he does to Heechul. Except maybe leaving Super Junior and starting his own acting career, but after the lawsuit and everything Heechul can’t find it in himself to care.
Heechul’s glad for the space everyone gives him, though he doesn’t say anything about it. Lately he’s been feeling so worn-down, stretched taut like the strings on Henry’s violin. The strings have to be pulled just right, to make the most beautiful music Heechul’s ever heard, but one twist too much of the peg and the string pops with a harsh twang, usually cutting the unfortunate person tuning the violin. (Heechul’s watched Henry break more than a few strings since he came to Korea.)
It cheers him up, in a strange twisted way, to visit Yunho and Changmin as they try to recover from the sudden disbanding of their group. Yunho isn’t responding with anger like Heechul had expected him to, with the exception of that first night when he broke all the picture frames in his bedroom-most of the time, he just seems barely alive, like he’s withdrawn from the world still rushing on around him.
Changmin greets Heechul with a dull hi hyung, thank you for coming, and Heechul notes the dark circles under his eyes, the rumpled condition of his days-old clothing that testifies to how hard he’s worked to try and help Yunho.
“You need to take care of yourself, Changmin sshi,” Heechul says, surprising even himself with the gentleness in his voice. “If you get sick, who’s going to take care of Yunho?”
“I can’t leave him alone,” Changmin says, but blinks wearily, wavering on his feet, and Heechul pats his elbow because he’s no longer tall enough to pat Changmin’s hair.
“I’ll take care of him for a few hours, don’t worry,” he says, and Changmin gives in, heading off to take a shower and go to sleep while Heechul wanders into the kitchen, looking for Yunho.
Yunho’s sitting at the kitchen table, where he’d been that first night Heechul visited him and Jaejoong, but this time he’s staring listlessly at the fine patterns the wood grain of the table makes, his hands clenched into a double fist on the table. He barely even twitches when Heechul lays a hand on his shoulder. “Yunho sshi.”
“Annyeonghaseyo, Heechul hyung,” Yunho whispers, his voice weak and lifeless, and Heechul remembers a time when Yunho spoke with such conviction, such strength in his voice that no one-except maybe Yoochun-dared contradict him.
He sits down next to Yunho. “Yah. Yunho yah-” Heechul winces when Yunho flinches at the informality of his words; Jaejoong had been the only one who talked to him like that, before. “Yunho sshi,” he tries again. “Look at me.”
Yunho raises his head slowly, and Heechul bites back a shocked gasp at the look in his dark eyes. It screams of infinite loss, of betrayal, a raw aching agony that tears at his soul. There’s a hollowness there in his eyes, something hinting vaguely at having his heart ripped from him. It’s a haunted emotion Heechul can’t quite place, and it sends shivers running down his spine.
(Despite everything going on with Hankyung, Heechul feels certain that even if he lived a hundred lives, he’d never be able to understand how Yunho feels right now.)
He shakes himself. “Yunho sshi,” he says, more gently. “Changmin’s worrying himself to death about you, you know that?”
Heechul watches as Yunho forces himself to hold back his tears. “I know.” He tries to smile, but it’s just a trembling movement of the lips, with no emotion behind it. “He’s doing too much for me.”
“You need to get better,” Heechul says bluntly. “Changmin needs his hyung back. Dong Bang Shin Ki needs their leader back.”
Yunho makes a small noise of derision, but there’s a pained sort of despair in his voice. “Some leader I am. I couldn’t even keep us together.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Yunho sshi. It was their choice to leave.” Only monsters eat the hand that feeds them, he remembers saying disgustedly not long ago, lashing out at JYJ because he can’t lash out at Hankyung, anymore.
“Don’t you dare blame Jaejoongie,” Yunho says forcefully, a spark of his old fire returning.
Heechul backs off. “I’m sorry.”
There’s silence in the kitchen after that, during which Yunho returns to staring at the table and Heechul makes dinner for lack of anything better to do. Changmin, ever on the lookout for food, wakes up just as Heechul is setting the table, yet neglects his own plate in favor of trying to get Yunho to eat.
Heechul watches the two of them as he eats, by now painfully used to envying Yunho.
(Heechul wants to cry when he hears Hankyung’s song “Queen”; he wants to hope, and thinks the fans probably do too, that this song is for Heechul, that this is Hankyung’s way of showing him he’s still thinking of him. But either way, Heechul sneaks out to Kikwang’s house one night to ask him to buy Hankyung’s album for him the next time he goes to China, and gets to laugh at the scandalized expression on manager hyung’s face when Heechul takes to carrying the album with him everywhere.)
~
Years pass and Super Junior’s still gaining popularity with every new album they produce. The emptiness in Heechul’s chest has lessened to almost nothing, as have the fans who still call out for Hankyung at concerts. Heechul still misses him, but he has faith that once he’s free to see Hankyung on his own again, they’ll work something out.
After the release of their fifth album, Heechul announces his decision to serve his two years in the army. Leeteuk cries and so does Donghae, and Siwon is just grim-faced about the whole ordeal. Heechul vaguely feels bad for leaving his bandmates, but he’d rather go to the army now, before the age limit forces him to. His two years in the army flash by before he knows it, and he’s discharged from his service just as most of his bandmates are starting their training.
SM more or less lets him have the next year or so off while he waits for the rest of his bandmates to return from the army. His first thought is that he wants to go to China and visit Hankyung, but then he remembers the ice in Hankyung’s voice, in Hankyung’s eyes the last time Heechul had seen him, and his resolve crumbles instantly.
He goes to visit his bandmates instead, and reluctantly asks them for advice when Leeteuk notices that there’s something weighing on his mind. They try to assure Heechul that someone who’d loved him as much as Hankyung did couldn’t possibly hate him now, but instead of helping him, their words only make him feel worse. He thanks them anyway, and hopes something will work out.
One day, as he’s leaving the training center after one of his monthly visits, he bumps into Yunho, who has an exceedingly guilty expression on his face. “Heechul hyung,” he says, surprised.
Heechul raises an eyebrow. “What are you doing here?”
“Um.” Yunho hesitates, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “Nothing...”
He’s always been a terrible liar, Heechul thinks, smiling despite himself. “You’re here to see Jaejoong, aren’t you? His birthday’s soon.”
“Well, yeah,” Yunho admits after a lengthy pause, shifting nervously. “Junsu told Eunhyuk to tell me where I’d be able to find him...”
Heechul fights down the laughter bubbling up inside him at seeing the return of the Yunho he’d once known-childish, and childishly in love. “You seem nervous, Yunho sshi,” he teases, kinder than usual. “Want me to come with you?”
Yunho nods, smiling in relief. Heechul falls into step beside him, wondering how it was that even after all this time, Yunho’s smiles still look forced, and his eyes still seem empty. Not being able to contact Jaejoong or talk about him freely in public had taken its toll on him, especially whenever Jaejoong tried to call them but they weren’t allowed to answer his call or even respond to him at later public appearances.
“Yunho sshi,” Heechul says suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen between them. “How come your manager let you come here today?”
Yunho chuckles, but the sound is as strange as his smiles. “Manager hyung doesn’t know I’m here. I left a note saying I’d gone to the army training center to visit my friends, but Changmin snuck out again on a date with his girlfriend last night, so I don’t think I’m manager hyung’s top priority for lecturing at the moment.”
Heechul can’t help but laugh. “All this, just to see your Jaejoong?”
Yunho fidgets nervously as they enter the library of the training center. “Hyung, what if he doesn’t want to see me?” he whispers, looking at Heechul with wide pleading eyes. “What if he-”
Heechul spots Jaejoong ahead of them, sitting in an armchair with his back to them. He covers Yunho’s mouth with his hand, effectively shutting him up, and pulls him behind a bookshelf. “Listen to me, Jung Yunho,” Heechul whispers fiercely. “I have never had the slightest reason to doubt how much Jaejoong loves you, and neither should you.”
Yunho opens his mouth to counter Heechul’s words, but Heechul ignores him, dragging him out from behind the bookshelf. “Jaejoong sshi,” he calls out politely, tightening his grip on Yunho’s wrist when the younger man tries to run away before Jaejoong sees him. “It’s nice to see you again.”
Jaejoong stands, bowing respectfully. “You too, hyung,” he says, before he catches sight of Yunho, half-hidden behind Heechul. His eyes widen in shock, and Heechul wisely decides to let go of Yunho. He glances back and sees the look on Yunho’s face, love and hope warring for dominance in his bright eyes.
Suddenly, Jaejoong drops his book on the chair and launches himself at Yunho, hugging him tightly as he buries his face in Yunho’s shoulder. Yunho stumbles a little at the force of impact, but holds Jaejoong tightly like he’ll never let go again, closing his eyes against the tears threatening to fall.
For all of two seconds, Heechul seriously considers taking a picture (and probably posting it to his Twitter, later), but then he sees the look in Yunho’s eyes as he sets Jaejoong down on his feet and leans in to kiss him, slow and hesitant. It feels wrong to intrude on a moment like this, so he puts his phone back in his pocket and turns away politely, leaving them to their own private reunion.
He books a plane ticket to China once he gets home, before he can dwell on what could possibly go wrong, and then spends the next week worrying and trying to brush up on his limited Chinese to distract himself from worrying.
Leeteuk finds out, probably from Kangin, and Heechul gets a motherly lecture via video chat about how Leeteuk doesn’t want his babies wandering off if he doesn’t know they’re going somewhere. Heechul rolls his eyes, as usual, and reminds Leeteuk that they’re only nine days apart, as usual, but then tells him he’s going to visit Hankyung. “Don’t tell the others yet,” he blurts out, as close to pleading as he’s ever going to get, and Leeteuk agrees without hesitation.
“I hope everything goes well, Chullie,” he says, smiling gently as he ends the video chat, and Heechul hopes so too.
He spends the short flight nervously drumming his fingers on his armrest and gazing out the window at the blue waters below. His anxiety only increases when the plane touches down in Beijing and he goes through customs, trying to smile politely at the stewardess checking his passport and thanking her in fumbling Chinese.
Heechul feels a brief flash of envy outside the airport doors as he walks by a couple chattering happily and holding hands as they walk away to board the shuttle bus. The last time he’d imagined going to China alone, he’d imagined Hankyung being there to pick him up, smiling and laughing as they walked hand-in-hand to his car.
Instead, he calls a taxi and gives the driver the address of Hankyung’s parents’ house, the only address Heechul remembers from Hankyung. He doubts Hankyung will be there, but it’s a good place to start. Hankyung’s mother opens the door, peering curiously at Heechul.
“I’m Kim Heechul,” he says in halting Chinese; he wonders if this was what Hankyung felt like in Korea all the time. “Maybe you remember me?”
She smiles in recognition. “Yes, of course,” she says, stepping back to let him in. “It’s been a long time since I last saw you, Heechul.”
Heechul tries to smile back as he takes his shoes off by the front door. “Is...Han Geng...home?”
She shakes her head as she motions for Heechul to leave his suitcase in the foyer and offers him a seat in the living room. Heechul feels a spark of anxiety as he sits down across from Hankyung’s father, who’s reading the newspaper; when Hankyung had finally admitted to his parents that Heechul was his boyfriend, Hankyung’s father hadn’t taken well to the confession.
“Why are you looking for Geng?” Hankyung’s mother asks softly.
“I...” Heechul hesitates, searching for the right words. “I need to talk to him. Five years ago...” he trails off.
“You parted on bad terms?” Hankyung’s mother guesses, looking stricken when Heechul nods.
“Makes sense now, doesn’t it?” Hankyung’s father says, putting his newspaper down and scrutinizing Heechul with cold eyes. “When Geng came back, he was so different from how he’d been before.” He glances at his wife, continuing their conversation, but the only word Heechul catches is heartbreak.
“I was so sure he’d get better soon,” she replies quietly, staring at her hands in her lap.
Heechul struggles to understand their conversation. “Is he...still sad about leaving us?”
Hankyung’s mother nods. “I think all he needs is to see you again,” she says, sighing. “He still thinks about you often.”
Her husband nods his agreement. “You can stay here for tonight, Heechul,” he says unexpectedly. “Tomorrow morning I’ll give you his address, if you want to go see him.”
Heechul feels a surge of gratitude for their kindness. “Thank you,” he says, bowing deeply to both of them.
Hankyung’s house turns out to be not far from his parents’, so Heechul declines their offer to drive him there despite the January chill. “Walking is healthier, anyway,” he says, trying to disguise his anxiety. (He realizes now how Yunho must’ve felt, back at the training center. Heechul can’t help but wonder if Hankyung really misses him as much as his parents had said; the fact still remains that Hankyung had been so cold towards him the last time he’d seen him.)
Before he realizes it, he’s arrived at Hankyung’s house. Heechul eyes the quaint brick house apprehensively, raising his hand to ring the doorbell but letting it fall back to his side when his nerves get the better of him. What a sight it’d be if any fans saw me now, he thinks wryly. The famous Kim Heechul, scared of a doorbell.
Steeling himself, he rings the doorbell, listening to his heart pounding in his ears before the door opens and Heechul’s still not prepared.
Hankyung stares at him for a few breathless seconds. “Heechul?” he finally whispers, incredulous.
Heechul shifts uncomfortably. “Well, are you going to invite me in or not?” he says, the words coming out sharper than he intended because of his unease.
“Of course,” Hankyung says quickly, stepping back to let him in. “You haven’t changed at all, Heechul,” he mutters, carefully avoiding Heechul’s eyes.
“Like you have?” Heechul responds quietly.
Hankyung turns away instead of answering, and Heechul has no choice but to follow him back to his kitchen, all the while marveling at how neat his house is. “Do you want tea?” Hankyung asks abruptly, drawing Heechul’s attention back to him.
“Okay,” he says, watching as Hankyung takes two clean cups from his dishwasher, filling them from the teakettle simmering on the stove and handing one to Heechul, motioning for him to sit.
Heechul sips his tea in silence, looking at Hankyung across from him over the rim of his cup. There’s a tired sort of defeat in the slump of the other man’s posture, where before he had always held himself tall with pride. “What happened to you?” Heechul blurts out, before he realizes he’s spoken out loud.
Hankyung looks up in surprise. “Nothing,” he says, but there’s still something off about his eyes when Heechul looks at them carefully. Heechul sets his cup down on the table, reaching out for Hankyung’s hand, but Hankyung pulls back.
“I don’t believe you, Hannie,” he says accusingly.
Hankyung passes a hand across his face tiredly, standing to put his empty cup in the sink. “What am I supposed to do to make you believe me?”
Heechul stands, walking over to Hankyung, and hesitantly wraps his arms around Hankyung’s waist despite the other man’s attempt to pull away. “Hankyung,” he murmurs into the other man’s shoulder, five years of heartbreak and waiting gentling his tone. “I still love you, you know. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
Hankyung turns and finally meets his eyes, and Heechul realizes that behind the bright sheen of unshed tears, Hankyung’s eyes are empty of love. “You weren’t supposed to still love me,” he whispers. “I wanted to make you mad last time, so you would get over me.”
“You’re an idiot,” Heechul tells him, but kisses him, tangling his fingers in Hankyung’s hair. He feels Hankyung stiffen under him, before relaxing, kissing him back properly.
Like all lovers, they have their differences and their arguments. Maybe they’ll never stop fighting childishly over pointless things, but Heechul knows that this is where he belongs, in Hankyung’s arms, and he wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.