here i stand
It's been a long time since I walked these halls.
Pairings: light/implied High-5 Of Teenagers, light DB5K, brotherly!Homin, implied others
Rated: PG-14 for mentions of abuse/violence, drama/angst
~
The skyscraper that belongs to the company I worked for in my younger days hasn't changed a bit on the outside. Towering and formidable, it's made completely of glass (strong, bulletproof, several-inches-thick glass, mind you) over a steel skeleton. To any of the passerby on the streets who happen to glance at it, it looks bleak, hopeless, just another example of a human structure that cruelly slashes its way through the natural beauty of the rest of the city.
If I tip my head back and look closely, I even think I can see a few slight figures-the pop idols of the company-on the roof. They're hiding from their managers in the only place they can-what serves as the stairs to the roof is rickety and worn-down and none of the managers, old and pot-bellied as they are, can get up there.
When I was young and pretty and loved, the inside of the building matched the outside. The halls were solemnly quiet, almost eerily so. Even the music that the trainees or the idols practiced to could barely be heard outside of the rooms even on full volume. "All the practice rooms here are soundproof," the higher-ups had assured all of us on our first day in the company, but what we didn't know was that the rooms weren't just soundproof so that we could practice without bothering or being bothered by others.
I shudder at the memories of my dongsaengs-screaming for me, begging for mercy as their blood stained our manager's hands-and bow my head so that my hood offers me a brief moment of privacy as I wipe away a single tear from the corner of my eye.
Even now, even after the company has been forced to change or go bankrupt, I know of no one who has been brought to justice for the crimes committed in the name of molding us into perfect, inhuman idols. My second-youngest is still with the company-I've even heard talk that he'll become a manager soon-and I can only pray that the young trainees and new idols don't suffer the way we did.
Taking a deep breath, I go through the revolving doors and step into the same lavish lobby that I remember. The guards check my ID, ever-present boredom dissipating if only for a moment with a spark of interest and surprise when they realize exactly who I am. "Your purpose for visiting the company today?" one of them asks, pen poised to record the fact that I was here
"KBS wishes to discuss the possibility of some of the company idols appearing on Strong Heart," I say. It's not quite a lie-Kang Ho Dong sshi always welcomes the idols from this particular company even more than most-but that's not the real reason I came here
The guard nods, pen scratching across paper for a brief moment as the other guard pins a visitor's badge to my shoulder. I lift my hand to touch it, a little self-consciously, before the guards step back and allow me to go through the door leading to the idols' part of the company, completely separate from the corporate section.
A peal of giddy laughter reaches my ears before I even step fully through the door and I stop in surprise as the door swings shut behind me. A girl, fourteen or fifteen at most, is racing down the hall, hotly pursued by an older boy who I think may be a newly-debuted idol.
"Tori-ah!" he cries, sounding partially exasperated and partially like he's about to fall over laughing, and I hear the faintest hint of a Chinese accent in his voice. He must be a member of EXO, then.
The girl-Tori-turns to look at him, smiling with that look in her eyes that tells me all too clearly that one day not too far in the future, these two will realize that they've fallen in love. She winks at him, before flitting away, free like the bird that her name means in Japanese.
I blink, shake my head as a soft smile touches my lips, and continue down the hall. No one recognizes me-I didn't expect them to-and the anonymity is surprisingly welcome as I watch the idols' and trainees' whirlwind of interactions with a practiced eye. Everywhere I look, I see carefree smiles and intertwined hands, and nothing is hidden in the sunlight that sparkles through the windows and chases away the shadows.
Another pair walks by me, and these two I recognize as two members of the newly-debuted EXO. The taller one, strikingly handsome even at his tender age, whispers something to his pretty companion, and the pretty one laughs, eyes lighting up in a way that sends chills down my spine. Not because of their obvious feelings for each other despite the fact that they're both men-in fact, I think their love is better than most simply because it takes so much courage and determination and loyalty to make it work-but because I have already watched other couples like them blossom and then tear themselves apart.
Now that I think about it, there's a conspicuous absence of a certain couple-the couple who were never accepted by the higher-ups, who rarely held hands inside the company where there were no fans to please, but nevertheless managed to bring a ray of hope wherever they went, letting their hands just brush together and gracing their hoobaes and the trainees with smiles.
I am reminded of my errand here and I quicken my steps slightly, making for the practice room that is sure to hold the two idols I'm looking for. They're officially on tour right now, but they returned to Korea just yesterday for some domestic promotions before they'll fly out again.
Surprisingly, I can hear their music from down the hall. It feels like some of the weight has been lifted from my chest, and I wait in front of the door, not wishing to disturb their practice. Trying my hardest not to pay attention to the lyrics of the song-for three years now, their songs have either been heartbreakingly angry, heartbreakingly hopeful, or heartbreakingly sad-I close my eyes, letting the beat pound through my body, and listen to the squeak of shoes against the wooden floor inside.
The song comes to an end and I wait for the silence to stretch long enough to signal that they're taking a break before knocking on the door. A backup dancer opens the door, bowing politely even though I can tell he doesn't recognize me, and ushers me into the room.
"Hyung-deul?" the backup dancer says, and the two idols look up. "You have a visitor."
In a flash of movement that's somehow incredibly coordinated, the two draw themselves up to their full one-meter-almost-ninety height and bow to me, a full ninety degrees from the waist that I haven't seen in years. "Good afternoon, Moon Heejun sunbaenim," Jung Yunho says, extremely (and unnecessarily, in my opinion) formally.
"To what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?" Shim Changmin chimes in smoothly.
I wave a hand at them, cheeks warm. "There's no need to be so formal with me, please," I say. "Even just the two of you have accomplished so much more than the five of us ever hoped to."
A flash of something flickers across Yunho's expression, but it's gone before I can worry that I touched on something he doesn't want to be reminded of. Instead, he turns to Changmin, wrapping long fingers around the younger man's wrist as something passes silently between them. Changmin smiles a little, and lifts his free hand.
I expect him to hit Yunho lightly in the chest or shoulder, as he used to do when I was still in the company, but to my complete surprise, his fingers brush gently against Yunho's temple, catching a bead of sweat before he pulls away, telling the backup dancers that he and Yunho would like some privacy with their visitor as he busies himself with clearing the CD player and speakers away.
An irrational burst of jealousy surges through me. Chil-hyun and I never became that close, even though we both stayed with the company all those years ago when Woohyuk and Jaewon and Tony left the company.
But then again, Chil-hyun chose to stay with the company, not with me. He was the first of all five of us to begin singing solo, and there was never even the faintest question of the two of us continuing to carry on the name of H.O.T. as Yunho and Changmin have carried on the name of TVXQ.
Yunho offers me a bottle of water and a snack, apologizing for the lack of comfortable accommodations as Changmin spreads out a clean towel across the floor for me to sit on. I want to tell him that it's fine, that he shouldn't worry, but before I can say anything Changmin speaks up again. "Sunbaenim, I mean no disrespect, but why are you here?"
I have to smile a bit at Changmin's bluntness. He always reminded me so much of my own youngest. "I had something to tell you two, but now that I'm here, I feel like I'm intruding on something." I pause slightly. "The two of you fit together so well that it feels like no one can even approach you, if you know what I mean."
Yunho smiles, a bit sheepishly. Now that he's sitting down and I don't have to crane my neck painfully to look either of them in the eyes, it almost feels like it's only a few years after their debut, when he came to me with his lover and begged me to help them. "We hear that a lot."
"But you needn't feel awkward, sunbaenim," Changmin pipes up. "What did you want to tell us?"
I hesitate slightly, not knowing if they'd appreciate me bringing this news to them. "The court...announced the result of JYJ's lawsuit yesterday," I say, watching their faces carefully. Both of them startle with a spark of interest in their eyes, and I take that as permission to continue. "Both sides have withdrawn all lawsuits against each other. JYJ's contracts with SM Entertainment are invalid as of 2009, July 31 and neither party has any right to interfere in any of the other's activities."
Yunho sighs heavily with relief, his entire body seeming to slump though his eyes are bright with happiness. Changmin shifts a little closer to his hyung, knocking their shoulders together, and Yunho gives him a sideways glance and a tiny smile
Taking a deep breath if only to signal that I'm not yet done talking, I try to think of the best way to phrase what I want to say next Just spit it out, aewon's voice seems to say in my mind, and when Yunho flicks his fingers, light but reprimanding, against Changmin's thigh, I honestly wonder if Changmin had said that.
"SM released an official statement about why they decided to withdraw their countersuit against JYJ," I say slowly, half of my mind still warring with the other half about do Yunho and Changmin really need to know this??"They said that they no longer feel the need to manage the three members since JYJ have expressed their desire to no longer be a part of TVXQ."
The two idols are silent for a few tense seconds, before Changmin abruptly bursts out laughing. "If I were CEO, I'd immediately fire whoever's in charge of PR," he says between chuckles. "My fans aren't stupid, I made sure of that. Does management really not understand that no one will believe them? I've lost track of how many times Jaejoongie hyung has called JYJ a part of TVXQ and let's not even mention-" He stops, glancing at Yunho. "Yeah, we'll just let it remain unmentioned."
A corner of Yunho's mouth quirks up in a small, sad smile. He obviously knows what Changmin's talking about, and if I know their fans at all, especially the Chinese ones, I think I know what Changmin's talking about too.
"Also, SM wishes to minimize the adverse effects of the ongoing legal battle on the two of you," I offer, as a sort of distraction.
As I had hoped, Yunho laughs as well this time. "They must not have gotten the memo that I'm studying to be a prosecutor," he says dryly. "Minimizing the adverse effects on us is directly proportional to the amount of time elapsed between the filing of the lawsuit and the conclusion of said lawsuit. If they really wanted to protect us from the fallout, they'd have let JYJ go years ago."
There's a short but not uncomfortable silence, before Yunho speaks up again. "Anyway, thanks for telling us, sunbaenim," the leader says. "But you know, we probably would have heard the news from Hyukjae or someone else eventually. You didn't have to take the time to visit us."
I offer them a half-smile in return. "It's not like I was busy or anything," I confess. "And honestly...I felt like it was my responsibility to tell you. I've always had the feeling that it was my group that was most to blame for what happened to your group."
As expected, both of them erupt in protest, but I hold up a hand for silence. "Let me explain, please. I know that, in the end, the only one who's at fault is the company. But still, I think the fact that my group broke up after only five years, when our contracts ended, was the reason why the company decided to extend the contracts to twelve, thirteen years. And that's why all of you wanted to leave, wasn't it? Because the contracts were too restrictive?"
Yunho looks at me for a moment with a swirl of emotions in his eyes, and for a brief moment I almost feel as if he's my leader. "If all of us had left like we'd wanted to, we would probably have turned out like Shinhwa sunbaenim-deul," he points out softly, and I know both of us-all of us-envy the six of them for being lucky enough to escape the company intact. "You know very well why you didn't leave the company with the others when Chil-hyun sunbaenim stayed, and you know very well that Changminnie and I stayed for that same reason."
He pauses, a shadow of pain crossing his face. "I know you'll probably continue to blame yourself for the breakup of my group, but maybe it'll help to know that Changminnie and I have never blamed anyone but ourselves for not being strong enough to protect the others."
I smile a little, feeling like I'm listening to a younger, more handsome version of myself. "Yunho sshi, Changmin sshi," I start, hoping to comfort them, "the company is one of the biggest in South Korea. There is absolutely no way that the two of you-or even the five of you, even together-could have been able to stand up to them. The two of you were strong enough to agree to stay with the company in order to save the others from the same fate, even with everything you knew you would have to endure as a result, and that is the reason that the other three were free to fight for all of us."
There's silence for a few long moments, before Changmin speaks up. "Thank you, sunbaenim. You don't know how much those words mean to us."
"I used to be a leader too," I answer lightly. "But I'm only speaking the truth."
The two of them beam at me briefly, and it's like twin dazzling suns that nearly take my breath away. Changmin purses his lips, before voicing his next question. "What does this mean for us as TVXQ then?"
"I don't know," Yunho says quietly, thoughtfully. "Legally...Jaejoongie and Yoochun and Junsu can't use the name of TVXQ to earn any money, and they can't do anything to impede the company." He frowns slightly. "But that itself is a legal gray area. Some lawyers might say that they can't even contact us or collaborate with us, because some of our fans-" his expression darkens-"might be upset and that would result in a loss of income for the company. On the other hand, other lawyers might say that JYJ can do anything they want, apart from using the name of TVXQ or calling for a boycott of the company." He chuckles a bit. "Like they'd have the power to threaten the company."
Changmin mulls over this for a bit. "Well, our contracts end in a little over a year, don't they, hyung?" he says in a voice barely above a whisper, eyes flickering nervously around the room out of habit even though we're the only three in the room. "After our contracts end, we can do whatever we want, can't we?"
Yunho smiles gently at him, splaying his hand out across Changmin's knee. "Yeah."
Changmin smiles back at him, eyes brightening. "I can't wait to call Yoochunnie and Junsu hyung and Jaejoongie hyung and yell at them," he says eagerly, and I can almost see the wicked plans that he has for his hyungs forming in his head. He really is too much like Jaewon, I think with a chuckle. "Hyung, don't look at me like that, you said yourself that you'd punch them when you saw them again."
Yunho chuckles, eyes crinkling. "Okay, Changminnie ah, you're right."
I smile to myself. "I think my errand here is done," I tell them, standing. "I won't disrupt your practice any further, I know you two are quite busy. And meanwhile...I think I owe an old friend a visit."
Both of them look at me, Yunho with confusion and Changmin with a smirk. "Don't forget to duck," the youngest says cheekily. "Chil-hyun sunbaenim still works out, you know."
"Yunho sshi, please control your maknae," I say with exasperation, but they both know I'm just joking. Jaewon would've said the same thing.
I leave the two of them and go upstairs to where the managers' offices are, searching the doors for a familiar name and knocking when I find what I'm looking for.
"Who is it?" comes a familiar deep voice from inside. I take a deep breath.
"Chil-hyunnie? It's me, Heejun hyung."