Home (My Heart Is With You) (II/IV)
( ♣)
His work starts right away the next morning, since he wanted to put his move off as long as he could. The weariness of the travel and the lingering sense of sadness still sits in his bones when he forces his eyes open, and even though he's not a coffee drinker he still stops by the shop on the corner of his street in order to get a dose of caffeine, since he doesn't know whether he'll make it through the day without it.
The work is stressful, to say the least, but it's everything Yixing could have hoped for. It keeps him on his toes, and he welcomes it with open arms. His coworkers praise his commitment to his new position, while at the same time cautioning him to not overdo it. Yixing thanks them for their concern, and continues taking on as many tasks as he can. He reasons it's for the sake of making the best out of the chance he's been given, of proving himself worthy, when in reality he's just trying to avoid having to go back to his flat.
After three weeks, he still has neither bought any more furniture to fill up the space nor put up any sort of decoration to make it feel more homely. It helps, being able to throw himself headfirst into work, but below the surface he begins to notice cracks he can't make any sense of.
When the fourth weekend finally rolls around, bringing with it his plane flight home, to see his parents and Yifan, he is only half as excited as he thought he'd be. He's looking forward to seeing them all, of course he is, he's been feeling as if he's been physically aching with desire to meet them, but at the same time he's afraid, terrified of wounds being torn open which he believes to be just about to heal. He already knows that once he’s in Changsha, he’ll not want to return back to Shanghai, the comfort of his home too tempting in comparison with the cold of the city that still makes him feel like a stranger. It's not like he has any choice though, his promise with Yifan having to be protected.
His family is there to pick him up from the airport at past 11 p.m. when his plane was delayed, and his mother is crying when she pulls him into a hug so tight that he feels like she might crush his ribcage. She might be one and a half heads smaller than him, but she's probably stronger than he is. He's tempted to remind her that he's 23 already, and that he was gone for a mere month, but he reasons that it's a parent's thing to do so he doesn't say anything and just returns her hug until she's willing to let go of him. Yixing's father follows his wife's suit, although his hug lacks her strength, desperation and duration.
Then it's his turn to face Yifan, and Yixing wishes he didn't firsthand see the circles under the other's eyes he can usually conveniently attribute to the bad quality of their video calls. Yifan, for a lack of better words, doesn't look good, and Yixing wonders whether he's reflecting his own state. He knows he's lost a little weight since he moved out, and that his irregular sleeping schedule didn't have exactly have the best effect on his skin either. But what hurts the most is to see that Yifan hesitates slightly, and his tail swishes in a display of indecisiveness. Fear grabs at his heart in that moment, fear that they've grown apart in the short span of a month, and Yixing feels his breathing still in anticipation as he takes a step towards the hybrid.
"Yifan..." he says, his tone more unsure than he wants it too, but he can't help fearing rejection. Yifan, however, doesn't move away. He just also doesn't move closer, waiting until Yixing can reach out to touch his hand against the catboy's cheek. "I kept my promise," he says, and the words sounding too dramatic even for his own ears, as if coming back after a month took a lot of effort.
They make Yifan crack a smile however, so he can't bring himself to regret them. "You did," the catboy agrees, and Yixing mirrors his expression when Yifan nuzzles into the palm of his hand like he used to do when he was still a lot younger.
The initial awkwardness falls away quickly, and by the time they've hefted Yixing slightly-heavier-than-necessary overnight bag into the car's trunk and have taken off to battle Changsha's late night traffic, Yifan's all over Yixing. Yixing hears his parents chuckle silently as Yifan rubs his head all over Yixing, a constant string of complaints about Yixing smelling all wrong leaving his mouth as he works on scenting Yixing all throughout their 45 minutes drive back home.
By the time they arrive, Yifan looks mighty pleased with himself while Yixing's stomach hurts and he's gasping for air because he laughed too much, Yifan's tongue and breath too tickling against his neck and all of actions too much of a reminder of 15-year-old Yifan who had refused to go to bed with Yixing before he hadn't cleaned every tiny bit of the scent of Yixing's friend off of him when the human teen returned from staying over at a classmate's place for a night.
Yixing spends the rest of the weekend doing nothing but lazing around, because Yifan doesn't want to do much else, and all Yixing wants from the time at home is to be around the people he's missed so dearly while he was gone. So he watches reruns of that Chinese soap opera his mother loves with Yifan's tail curled around his upper arm while the hybrid purrs against his shoulder, and he listens to the catboy tell stories about his children in the dead of the night while they're tangled together under the sheets, soaking up all the closeness they both didn't have over the weeks of being separated.
Within the span of 38 hours Yixing feels his resources be refilled, all the exhaustion and queasy feelings he seemed to be unable to get rid off for a whole months disappearing and leaving him able to breathe freely for the first time in what feels like forever. He doesn't even really notice how he's not leaving Yifan's side at all until his parent's point it out, but he just smiles and reaches up to ruffle Yifan's hair and ears. "This giant baby here just missed me too much," he explains, and grins widely when Yifan huffs and protests, saying he was completely fine on his own. He wasn't, and neither was Yixing, but he doesn't point that out in favour of simply laughing.
As much as the weekend feels like heaven, obviously it has to come to an end, and before Yixing knows it he's experiencing an overwhelming sense of déjà vu, standing at the airport again and having to say goodbye. This time there are no suitcases he will have to pick up in Shanghai, and he is not in the danger of accidentally getting into the wrong subway. No one's crying this time either, although Yixing's mother's eyes are glistening with tears, but they don't spill. He hugs them all tight when it's time for him to get to his gate, his mother, his father and Yifan, and it's easier to keep a bright smile on his face this time, the giddy energy still singing in his veins. Of course it hurts to wave goodbye and walk through the ticket gates to where his parents and Yifan can't follow, perhaps it even hurts as badly as Yixing had thought it would, but when he boards the plane he's filled to the brim with optimism. Perhaps it's just a matter of getting used to being separated, perhaps it will all work out as long as he gets to go back home in regular intervals to soak up enough closeness to last him until the next time.
-o-
Nothing turns out okay, much to Yixing's distress. He tries his best to live off the memories, and off the pretty much daily video calls, but both his mood and his physical condition deteriorate much faster than he would ever have expected. Just like before, he throws himself into work, but that's something he has been doing all his life. He has been just as dedicated during his university time, worked just as hard as he was doing his internships, and it doesn't make any sense to him why it should be taking such a toll on him now when it didn't before.
Not knowing any other way, he tries to fight his bad mood with even more work, but his plan doesn't work out. It doesn't make him feel worse, but it also doesn't make him feel better. He's having troubles sleeping, and while he's managed to make friends at work, he still feels as if there's a gaping hole in his heart and he doesn't know what to do about it.
If travelling by plane, it only takes two hours from Shanghai to Changsha, but that is the pure time he's up in the air. On top of that he needs at least an hour to get to the airport in the first place, having to arrive there an hour before his flight departs if he wants to play it safe, and at least another 30 minutes to make it through customs and back out to the airport lobby, and then he still has to drive to his parents' home. All in all, from door to door it takes him five hours on a good day and more than six on a bad one, so as much as he would love to take the trip back to Changsha every weekend, his busy schedule (and tight budget) doesn't allow him to, and before he knows it, even monthly visits are impossible.
Whenever he does manage to make it home, the stinging in his chest disappears, and he can breathe freely again, but as soon as he arrives back in his flat, the effect only lasts for a few hours, a day or two perhaps if he's lucky, then he's back to struggling with mood swings he never before experienced, and he goes through days when his stomach feels so uneasy that he doesn't want to eat anything.
Luhan, one of the artists at work he befriended pretty early on, looks at him with particular worry in his eyes during these days, and Yixing almost questions why, when Luhan has only ever known him in the stricken state he has been in ever since coming to Shanghai. Then again, he has days when he feels better and days where it's worse, and he truly loves his work with all his heart. It's all the more reason for him to wonder what the heck is wrong with living in Shanghai, why he can't seem to get into gear in his new home.
In attempt to turn his flat more livable, he even goes shop for small interior design items together with Zitao, one of their company's costume designers. Luhan trudges along, claiming that the tall blond needs someone to dampen his enthusiasm when it comes to extravagance. It turns out to be for the better, and to Yixing's utter surprise he's very satisfied with the result. And yet, despite his newfound liking for the interior of his flat, and the undeniably warm feeling it should emit, he doesn't feel anything change. As soon as his two friends are out of the door, the coldness returns and Yixing feels something like annoyance well up in within him. He's trying his best at settling, isn't he? As a 23 year old he should be very well capable of living by himself.
When they're out at a bar for an after-work beer one night, Yixing, already not exactly sober anymore, courtesy of his low alcohol tolerance, confesses the troubles he's been having with finding the feeling of home in Shanghai, and how he's constantly feeling as if there's something missing, his flat always being cold.
Luhan, already on his third White Russian and therefore decidedly tipsy as well, asks Yixing outright when he got laid the last time, and whether he has already considered finding a significant other to bring a bit of life into the flat that feels too empty no matter how much furniture Yixing places into it. The younger man surprises himself with how quickly and vehemently he shoots Luhan's suggestions down, even though he knows very well that sex works wonders on dispersing stress. And he has worked out by now that it must be stress that's causing his stomach to be upset and his sleep to be restless.
"There are a lot of pretty girls in Shanghai, you know," Luhan presses on, unwilling to let Yixing brush over the topic like that. "I swear, the beauty-rate here is like five times as high as in Beijing, let me tell you. Perhaps we should go clubbing together, I know places that will make you think you died and went to heaven because there are so many angels around."
Yixing cocks an unimpressed eyebrow at him. "You've really been writing too many cheesy love songs, Han," is his only comment before he takes another gulp of his drink, a rather nasty mix of ice tea and Jack Daniel's, but he's already past the point of caring about the burn in his throat.
For a moment Luhan is silent, and Yixing almost thinks he might have gotten out of having this talk just like that, but then the lavender haired male leans a bit closer and narrows his eyes as he scrutinizes Yixing. "You don't really sound excited at the prospect of mingling with pretty girls," he notes, and Yixing already knows what the other is going to say when he opens his mouth next. "Are pretty girls not your thing?"
"No, no, pretty girls are nice," Yixing replies, and Luhan's eyebrow shoots up to join his hairline.
"That doesn't sound very convincing, my dear Yixing," the elder says in teasing tone, before slinging his arm around Yixing's shoulder. Up this close Yixing can see how diluted the other's pupils are, and he can smell the alcohol in Luhan's breath, though he knows he must be in a pretty similar state. When Luhan speaks next, he's completely serious. "You know, I'm very open minded. If girls are not your thing, you can tell me. I won't judge or treat you any differently."
Yixing's lips stretch into a smile, and for the nth time he feels unbelievably glad to have found a friend like Luhan. "Thanks, that's good to hear, but it's really not about the gender."
"Oh, so you swing both ways?" Luhan asks, his interest obviously piqued, before his eyes widen as another thought comes to his mind, "or do you perhaps swing neither way?"
The elder looks so curious and shocked at the same time, that Yixing can't help but laugh, and he guesses it's half Luhan's expression's fault and half the alcohol's. He tells his co-worker that he doesn't really look at gender when measuring a person's attractiveness, and the next 30 minutes Luhan spends with pestering him about what physical or character traits he's attracted to. Yixing laughs at most of the questions, and says that it depends on the person and a multitude of conditions. Luhan, in turn, suggests that they should just go out clubbing together either way, so that Yixing can simply point out to him which people he'd take home and which he wouldn't.
"Really Lu, it's fine. I'm not looking for anyone right now," Yixing interrupts Luhan when the elder seems about ready to drag him off to a club to get him laid right then and there.
It has Luhan still in the middle of a sentence, and he studies Yixing with that scrutinizing gaze again that makes Yixing feel as if the other can see his very soul. "Say, Yixing, do you have someone waiting for you back in Changsha by any chance?"
"I-" Yixing starts, but then stops as there suddenly are thoughts of Yifan flooding his mind, and he suddenly has the desire to end his answer with "do" instead of "don't" like he had originally intended to. Luhan raises an expectant eyebrow at him when the younger doesn't continue, and Yixing shakes his head shortly to get out of his trance. "I don't."
"That answer took you awfully long," the elder notes, and the suspicion seeping from his whole expression, and Yixing can't even blame him. He is surprised himself that he hesitated.
He makes it back home with the last train, successfully having talked Luhan out of the clubbing for the night, and when he makes it home the alcohol still buzzing in his veins makes the flat feel only half as cold and twice as empty at the same time. He's been unable to get the thoughts of Yifan out of his head for the whole evening, so when he falls into bed, his fingers automatically move on his phone until he finds the Skype function. It's close to midnight, but it doesn't even take two rings before Yifan is picking up Yixing's call. The catboy looks sleepy, his hair slightly disheveled, his ears lazily twitching, and Yixing can make out the shape of his pillow below his head.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" he asks in a whisper, knowing exactly that Yifan likes to go to sleep early, even when he sleeps in the next morning.
"Kinda," the catboy's deep voice rumbles, and Yixing recalls how he'd be able to feel the vibrations from it when he rested his head against Yifan's chest. He has to bite his lower lip in an attempt to get his feelings back under control, even though he doesn't even know what kind of feelings that are. Yifan, unaware of Yixing's internal battle, yawns, exposing his canines that are slightly longer than Yixing's, forming little fangs. It has Yixing smile, even as his eyes water a little.
"Sorry," he apologizes, and Yifan just hums in acceptance, his eyes blinking rapidly as if he's fighting to stay awake. Yixing wants to tell him that it's okay to go to sleep again, that he didn't mean to disrupt his nightly routine to begin with but instead he blurts out, "I miss you."
"I miss you too," Yifan whispers back, his voice gentle and laced with drowsiness and it makes Yixing curl into a ball on top of the covers, the arm that isn't holding his phone wrapping around his knees as if hugging himself can warm him up, when the room temperature is not the problem at all.
They don't really talk much at all, one or two words here, a short sentence there. Both of them are exhausted, and Yixing wonders whether Yifan can tell the alcohol rushing through his veins. If he can, he doesn't mention it, instead indulging Yixing in the meaningless chitchat the younger needs. After a while, their conversation falls into a natural lull, and Yixing eventually falls asleep to the sound of Yifan's soft snoring, his phone resting beside his head on the pillow.
-o-
After that night, Luhan starts setting him up on blind dates, even though the elder doesn't admit to it. Yixing grows wary of whenever Luhan calls him up to come try out that new restaurant he found around their neighbourhood with some friends of his, or watch that new movie that's been getting amazing reviews, because the instances are piling up where Luhan suddenly becomes unable to attend with sudden headaches or urgent deadlines, leaving Yixing alone with whatever friend Luhan invited for the night.
They are all nice people, interesting for sure, and on a similar attractiveness level as Luhan himself is, but Yixing can't develop a liking to any of them. He tries to in the beginning, he really does, going into each blind-date with an open mind and primed to perfection. However neither the dating nor the occasional make-out sessions on car seats or at his front door helps him feel any better. On the opposite hand, having some girls perfume cling to his clothes afterwards, or having the memory of some guy's fingers in his hair tingle against his scalp, makes him feel sick to the stomach when he thinks about how mad Yifan would be at all the foreign scents clinging to his clothes and body.
These nights always end with Yixing showering way longer than necessary, using all the Yifan-approved body washes he still keeps on buying out of habit even though he only sees Yifan on a monthly basis, if he's lucky. Afterwards he slips Yifan's shirt on, always exchanging the one he has with him for a new one whenever he's home to keep the smell fresh, and when he falls into bed, he feels like the tight ball of stress has only curled tighter in his stomach.
Eventually even Luhan seems to agree that setting Yixing up with random people won't be the cure to his bad mood, so he switches over to arranging real meetings with friends, inviting two or three other people and coming along himself as well. Yixing is way more grateful for these relaxed evenings spent in bars, but they only provide temporary relief.
Yixing is very close to wondering whether he should consult a doctor or psychologist, when he receives an unexpected phone call from his father one nights. Since his move to Shanghai, almost seven months has passed already, and seeing his display flash with his father's name, Yixing suddenly realizes that he hasn't had the chance to go home in over two months.
"Hello, Baba?" he answers the phone, slight confusion tinting his voice because usually his parents don't call him out of the blue, knowing that Yixing's working hours tend to be quite irregular and they don't dare interrupt the little sleep their son usually gets. So Yixing knows it's important when his father throws all caution to the wind and calls him either way. He instantly feels his heart with the fear that something bad has happened at home.
"Yixing, son, how are you doing?" his father asks on the other end of the line, and can hear the strain of him trying to be casual when there obviously is something that's worrying him.
"I'm doing okay," Yixing replies, unable to downright lie to his parents but also not wanting them to know how much of a hard time he's having. "Work's been a bit busier than usual as of lately," he continues by means of explanation, but then he's unable to hold his curiosity back, "Why are you calling, Ba?"
He hears his father sigh, followed by a short pause as the man gathers his words. "It's about Yifan," he eventually says, and Yixing swears he stops breathing for a second as dread clutches his stomach tightly.
"What about Yifan?" he asks, his voice shaking slightly he doesn't even bother clearing his throat in an attempt to steady it before continuing, "Is something wrong with him? Is he sick? Did he get hurt? Should I come over? If it's an emergency I'm sure I can get my boss to give me a few days off, I-"
"Yixing," his father interrupts him, making Yixing shut his mouth before any more words can spill out.
He will only find out why his father called if he allows him to speak, so he nods to indicate he's listening, only realizing on second thought that his father can't see him, "Okay, I'm listening."
"I really didn't want to have to tell you about this, because I know you're very busy, but I'm afraid it's gotten to a point where I can't just look past it anymore. Also I think you have a right to know."
A million scenarios form in Yixing's head against his will, pictures of Yifan being bedridden by some terrible illness that worsened rapidly, or the catboy with broken bones and battered after getting into an accident or, and he surprises himself by the thought, the idea of Yifan having found a mate and, after a few months of courtship, having decided to move in with his new lifetime partner. He tells himself that it's of no use to let his imagination run wild when he should rather let his father finish talking, but the influx of images is so sudden and strong that he can't fight it.
"Yixing? Are you still there?" His father's voice breaks him from his internal battle, and Yixing snaps back to reality, shaking his head in a futile attempt to chase away the numbing fears clouding his mind.
"I am," he reassures his father that he hasn't gone anywhere, "Please, tell me, what's wrong with Yifan?"
"I don't really know how to best phrase this," another sigh, and Yixing can clearly hear the worry in the older man's voice when he continues, "Yifan really hasn't been doing well ever since you left. It was obvious from the beginning, but it's gotten worse. At first we thought it were just normal separation issues. You two have been together for almost 15 years, and we thought Yifan was simply missing the person he had bonded the closest with, and we hoped that this wound was one time could heal."
Me too, Yixing wants to say, I thought the same, I have been miserable as well and nothing has helped. He stays silent however, able to tell there's still more from the way his father is making these small humming sounds that always indicate he's thinking intently.
"Also... this might sound really weird, and I hope I'm not making things uncomfortable between you and Yifan by telling you this, but when he last went into heat two weeks ago I heard him whimper your name, and not only once."
"W-what?" Yixing croaks out, the sinking feeling of dread suddenly making way to the heady rush of a mixture of embarrassment and, incongruously, a hint of arousal at the idea of Yifan, in the middle of finding relief for the heat burning under his skin, thinking of Yixing. He scolds himself for it, since he really has more important things to focus on at the moment, like the fact that Yifan's apparently not doing well.
"Yeah, I hope you're not too embarrassed to hear that from your father's mouth instead of getting Yifan to tell it to you yourself, but I think even Yifan isn't fully aware of what that means. And before I talk to him about it, I needed to tell you, so you have time to let these things sink in. I don't know if you've even heard of the concept before, but does imprinting ring a bell with you?"
Yixing makes a sound of noncommittal sound that's half recognition and half question.There is something at the back of his mind, a memory of something he heard or read a long time ago, but he can't quite reach it, so he asks his father to continue.
"Well, there are a lot of different meanings to imprinting, depending on the context. It's not exactly normal for hybrids to imprint on someone. It happens, but it's rather on the rare than on the common side. When it happens though, it essentially means that a hybrid has found their mate, the partner they will spend their life with. The effects of it aren't really visible as long as the hybrid and its mate are together, as they will both simply display what could also be seen as a very close friendship or very happy relationship, but it's easy to tell once they're apart. For hybrids, imprinting means developing a strong sense of dependency. Being away from the one they imprinted on will have detrimental effects on both their psychological and physical condition, as the distance seems to drain their energy bit by bit. Usually imprinting occurs between two hybrids, but there have reportedly been cases where hybrids who only had contact with humans for most of their life have also imprinted on humans."
It's really not difficult to connect the dots between the first part of their conversation and the explanations on imprinting, but Yixing still refuses to jump to conclusions when a tiny bit of doubt remains. "So you're trying to say..." he starts, letting his sentence trail off on purpose to let his father complete it.
"That I think that Yifan has imprinted himself on you. Sure, I could be wrong, we've only ever had imprinting happen like two or three times at the shelter, but it really sounds like the most reasonable explanation to me as for why Yifan is suffering as much as he does. You don't see it, because whenever he's with you he's normal again, his spirits lifted but as soon as you're gone he constantly seems to be dragging a boulder around with him for how easily he tires and how slouched he walks. Which only works to support my theory. I don't know when it happened, but thinking back on the time you first moved out, it seems like he imprinted himself on you pretty early on. Are you still with me so far?"
Yixing isn't quite sure whether he is, everything after "I think Yifan has imprinted himself on you" a bit of a fuzzy mess rather than a clear sound in his head, but he reasons that he's caught the most important part. It's surprising for him how easy it is to accept that, to come to the conclusion that yes, like this everything would make sense. The emptiness, the longing, the coldness and the total lack of things getting better no matter how much time passes. It all fits the pattern, and Yixing wonders how he didn't see it earlier. In the middle of matching everything he now recalls about imprinting from his biology lessons on hybrids back in school, he comes to a sudden halt however.
"Wait, is there something like reverse imprinting? Can humans also imprint back on the hybrids who have imprinted on them?" he asks, as he remembers that imprinting only used to apply to hybrids, never to humans. It has been a while since he sat behind his desk at school, only half listening to what his teacher was droning on about as he was busy passing notes back and forth with a fellow classmate of his, so he doesn't recall everything precisely even though it would be the perfect explanation for his current condition.
"Reverse imprinting?" his father repeats, and Yixing is able to immediately tell from his tone that that's not a concept the older man has ever heard of before. "I do not think there's something like that. Humans work differently from hybrids, our anatomy, while similar in some points, is fundamentally different in others. I do not think our physiology lends itself to linking us so closely to another person that being away from them calls on the physical symptom being away from their imprinted one does for hybrids," his father explains, then stills for a moment and makes a small sound in the back of his throat, "Although now that I think of it, I guess you could liken these symptoms to these people experience when they are lovesick? The effects are stronger for imprinted hybrids, but someone who is lovesick does display similar physical and mental problem, so I guess falling in love with someone is what could be called reverse imprinting."
When his father's voice trails off, Yixing continues to be silent, the words still replaying in his mind, as if he needs to review them thoroughly before they can settle in with him. It's ridiculous, because it's so simple actually, the most simple and obvious explanation and it's laughable that Yixing hasn't been able to connect the dots to form the obvious picture. He's not a child anymore, he has been in love before, he's been through unrequited love, and he's had his heart broken, and he's had a long time where he thought he didn't care about love at all. Summed up, he is familiar with love, but he never thought that love is blind could refer to literally being blind to the fact of being in love in the first place.
Lovesick.
That's it. That's the simple and oh so obvious explanation as for why going on dates with other people made him think of Yifan, why he couldn't sleep at night without the other's comforting warmth by his side and why no matter how much he loves his friends, there's always a part of his heart that feels empty as long as he's in Shanghai and Yifan is in Changsha.
He hears his father's steady breathing through the phone while he's having his epiphany, the old man not interrupting his process of self-awareness with words, although Yixing knows there are questions burning on the tip of his tongue. His father is anything but slow, so Yixing is absolutely sure that he has been able to draw the conclusion between Yixing's question and his silence following the answer. But he doesn't press him to voice what Yixing hasn't even had time to properly process himself yet, not knowing the scope of his realization yet.
"What should I do now?" Yixing asks eventually, skipping back to their original topic of discussing Yifan's state, "He must be doing really bad if you called me."
"He is," his father admits contritely, as if the admission pains him. Yixing knows how much his father cares for the well-being of hybrids, and Yifan is like a second son to him, so being unable to help him with his own power must be eating away at the older man. "I think he hasn't slept for more than perhaps seven hours in five days, and even though he's trying his best to hide it from us, he also hasn't been eating much better. I had to call his workplace today to tell them that he's fallen sick, simply because he didn't want to get out of bed. It's not been nice ever since you went, but it's worse than ever now. You know yourself how much he loves his work, and it is one of the few things that truly gives him energy these days, so him being unwilling to go there... Yixing, I really think something needs to change soon. A hybrid isn't made to be away from the one they imprinted themselves on for so long. Yifan is proud, you know that, so he doesn't want you to know that he's suffering, so it's my duty to let you know."
"What should I do?" Yixing asks again, at the same time already pulling his laptop closer to himself across the bed and opening the price comparison website he always consults for his flights, choosing a travel date of the next day and praying that the flights won't go above the rent he's paying monthly. He lets out a small sigh of relief when the results turn up with flights just barely above 1100 CNY. "I can be home tomorrow at noon, if my boss let's me have the day off tomorrow already, or by 10 p.m. at latest when he doesn't."
"I'm sorry for this being so sudden, but I know you would have been mad if I had waited until the weekend to tell you."
Yixing wants to tell the other that he should have told him earlier already, that he shouldn't have allowed it to come to this point in the first place, but he knows his father, knows that he has inherited his character trait of not wanting to burden other people with anything is one he has strongly inherited from the man. So he bites his tongue, and instead focuses on mentally creating a bullet point list of all the things he needs to organize in order to be able to leave as early as possible the next morning.
-o-
Taking his vacation days is much easier than Yixing expected it to be. Ever since he started working for the company seven months ago, he hasn't even had any sick days, nor any vacation, and after he tells his boss that it's family emergency, the man tells him to take as many days off as necessary, since the family is the most important. Yixing bows for five minutes straight in thanks, even though the other man can't see him as they're talking over the phone.
He books his flights immediately after, leaving the return flight open even though he only took the rest of the week off so far. Yixing doesn't know what will expect him at home, what with the new found knowledge of Yifan's and his own feelings, and he's decided to determine all of his next steps in accordance to Yifan's state. He has been selfish for long enough, has neglected his promise of being the hybrid’s carer and he's been suffering through the consequences of it. He feels guilt weigh his heart down at the idea that Yifan has had it even worse than he did during the last few months.
There is anticipation and nervousness mixing in his stomach when he makes his way to the airport the next morning, dragging a suitcase along with him for the first time. So far, he's never had to take more than an overnight bag, and his heart sings at the idea of being in the safe embrace of his family home again for more than just two nights. At the same time, he's feeling restless, unsure how he will face Yifan with all the recent realizations. They've always acted closer than friends usually do, Yixing knows, and while he and Yifan have constantly been together since they were children, Yixing hasn't thought of him as a brother. He has thought of him being as close as a brother, but in the end he was simply Yifan, and Yifan didn't fit into any categories, not friend, not brother, not lover.
Yixing has to admit however, that he's never taken the time to properly look at the love he's felt for the elder, never thought about the comfort being around Yifan brought and how natural the physical intimacy of tangling close together in bed always made his heart beat this tiny bit slower as the whole outside world seemed to be not present. Looking at it now, it's so glaringly obvious, and Yixing almost wants to laugh at himself for not realizing it earlier, when it was literally right under his nose ever since he was 17 and would rather spend a night in Yifan's embrace than his boyfriend's of that time.
He is at the airport with almost two hours to spare, his restlessness having driven him out of his flat way earlier than necessary as he didn't want there to be any risk of him missing his flight. Since he knows that his thoughts are a mess of imagining possible scenarios of what could happen when he sees Yifan next, he instead makes his way through security and then sits down in the waiting area with his laptop and earphones, hoping to get as much work done as possible. It manages to take his mind off of his worries for a while, but at the same time he notices that he's not really there, that his concentration wavers more often than it usually does. In the end, he's utterly relieved when his flight is called for boarding, and he almost drops his laptop in his unjustified haste to get up.
He makes it to Huanghua without any problems, and the clock has barely ticked past 12 p.m. when he's already heaving his suitcase towards the shuttle bus that will take him towards the railway station that will lead him home. He hasn't heard from his parents since his father wrote him that morning that he and Yixing's mother would be out for work when he arrives, but that Yifan will be home. As soon as he's settled into his seat in the metro, he texts them both that he's landed safely even though they most likely won't see his message for a few more hours. He doesn't text Yifan on purpose, since he doesn't know whether the catboy even is aware of his short notice visit. The last time he texted Yifan was at noon the previous day, which feels like ages ago, and he only knows that his father talked with Yifan about the imprinting thing, but knowing his father, he might have kept Yixing hastily booking a flight and rushing over a secret so that it will be a surprise to Yifan.
It's the reason why his hands are all the clammier when he fishes the spare key to his parent's house from his pocket, the metal warm against his hands because he spent the whole bus ride fiddling with it in nervousness. He has gone through this door a million times, but this time stepping over the door sill carries so many implications with it. Suddenly there's the vision of him, 15 years ago, standing inside the house and watching Yifan stumble over that very door sill, and he is surprised by how vivid the image is. He recalls the moment when he first saw Yifan as if it happened yesterday, last week, not when he was 8 years old. With the memories come the feelings, and suddenly there's no hesitation anymore, the clear resolution settling in that from the first moment he laid his eyes on the catboy, there was only one possible outcome. It just took him 15 years of obliviousness and seven months of suffering to realize that.
When he moves to unlock the door, his hands are completely steady, and there is no sign of the nervousness he felt ever since he woke up that morning from his fitful sleep.
The house is silent, and Yixing tries to be just as quiet in his movements, not wanting to wake Yifan in case the catboy should be sleeping. It seems unlikely, especially after his father told him that Yifan has been going through bad fits of insomnia, but he wants to be better safe than sorry. He gently places his suitcase near the entrance before padding further into the house on his socks.
He barely gets a meter away from the front door before he hears the sound of rustling clothes and light footsteps, and he stills completely when a human shape emerges from the living room down the hallway. Yifan looks at him with wide eyes, his ears perked up in concentration, and the disbelieving shock in his expression tells Yixing that the hybrid was not informed of his visit.
Perhaps that's what allows Yixing to see the signs of strain in Yifan's face and body, or perhaps it's just his new found awareness for them now that he knows what to look for. There are dark circles under Yifan's eyes, and his shoulders are slightly hunched, making him look more insecure than ever before. The shirt he's wearing is one he bought together with Yixing when they were still living together, a few months before Yixing received the job offer, but the formerly well-fitted shirt looks too big on Yifan's frame, giving the younger male a clear idea of how much weight the catboy must have lost.
"Yi...xing?" he croaks out, and his voice sounds rusty around the edges, as if he's not been using it that often the last few days, and the sense of deja-vu almost kills Yixing. The memory of him crying when his parents wanted to give Yifan away wells up again; he remembers Yifan standing in the doorway, shocked at his state of distress, and breaking his silence for the first time with Yixing’s name, in the hope of calming the upset eight-year-old boy he used to be back then. Yixing can almost feel Yifan licking at his tear tracks, that is how vivid the memory hits him.
"Yifan," he says, putting all the fondness and longing he's bottled up into the name, and he can see the other's reaction in the way Yifan's tail twitches once, and his ears moving to face in Yixing's direction, as if to catch his voice better.
The hybrid takes an uncertain step forward, shortening the distance between the two of them a little. His eyes are still widened, and he looks as if he's seeing a ghost. "Are you- are you really here? Am I going crazy?" Yifan asks in a low voice, disbelief tinging his every word, before taking on a somewhat hopeful tone, "Have I finally fallen asleep and am dreaming now?"
"You haven't," Yixing replies gently, taking a step forward as well, the desire to be able to touch Yifan overwhelming. "I'm really here." When the catboy still looks unconvinced, he adds, "Baba called me yesterday."
The words trigger an instant change in Yifan's attitude, his disbelief making way to realization, then shifting into embarrassment. All of a sudden, his tail is curling around his thigh in the typical display of nervousness, and his fingers start fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. "Did he tell you..." Yifan lets the question trail off, since he doesn't need to complete it for Yixing to understand either way.
"He did," Yixing answers with a nod, and even in the dim lighting of the corridor he can the colour rushing to the hybrid's cheeks in embarrassment.
"So... you know... everything?" he asks, and it takes Yixing a few seconds before he realizes what 'everything' Yifan is worried about.
"I... think I do," he replies honestly, a light blush dusting his own cheeks at remembering how his father told him about Yifan's last heat. It explains the elder's fidgety behaviour, and his embarrassment, but Yixing refuses to let himself be deterred by that.
"I'm sorry," the elder apologizes, leaving Yixing dumbfounded for a minute.
"Sorry for what?"
"For making you rush here," Yifan explains, shortly lifting his gaze from where he's been studying the floorboards right in front of Yixing's feet, but letting it drop immediately again after his eyes meet Yixing's. "For burdening you with this... imprinting stuff."
"Hey, you don't need to apologize for anything," Yixing interrupts the hybrid before he can say anything else. "It's not like you did this on purpose, or as if you can control it." While talking, Yixing walks closer to Yifan, shortening the distance between them until he's standing only an arm's length away. To his relief, the catboy doesn't move away from him, instead standing rooted to the spot and watching each of Yixing's steps attentively. "It's what this whole imprinting thing is about, isn't it? You not really having a choice."
Yifan bites his lower lip in reaction, as if he tries to prevent the words forming on his tongue from spilling, and Yixing is taken aback for a moment by the realization of how kissable Yifan's lips are. It's something he has never really taken notice of before, consciously, that is, as he's sure the thought must have floated through his mind at some point during his alone-time in the shower. He doesn't believe that he could have been ignorant of the catboy's attractiveness for all these years, when he's had ample opportunities to see just exactly how well-built Yifan is.
It takes him quite some effort to tear his eyes away from Yifan's lips, but eventually he manages to, instead focusing on the nervous twitching of the hybrid's silver ears. "I know there's something you want to say, what is it?" he asks, gently but insistently reaching forward to take Yifan's hand in his. Physical contact like this has always helped settle and calm the hybrid, and Yixing reasons that now, when they've both been deprived for so long, the gesture has an even bigger effect.
At first, the catboy continues to stay silent, only nervously nibbling his lip, but then he averts his gaze as if he doesn't dare to speak the words directly to Yixing. His grip on Yixing's hand however tightens at the same time, as if he's afraid of the younger disappearing again if his hold were to loosen just the slightest bit. "Even if I had a choice..." Yifan casts a quick glance at Yixing, and when he catches the smaller male watching him, he holds his gaze before continuing, "I would still have chosen you." More blood rushes to the catboy's cheeks, but he doesn't look away again.
Yixing swallows around the lump that suddenly has formed in his throat, and mentally scolds himself for feeling like a teenager again who just received his first love confession, instead of the responsible and experienced adult he's supposed to be. "When I talked with Baba yesterday," he starts, seeing the confusion in Yifan's gaze at the seemingly sudden change in topic, but he draws the other's hand closer until he can rest it against his chest, encasing it with both of his and keeping it there. There's no deeper meaning to the gesture, no intention of laying Yifan's hand over his heart, making him feel his heartbeat. He just want's Yifan to be closer, wants him to know that he doesn't have to fear rejection from the younger. "When I talked with Baba yesterday, I asked him whether there was something like reverse imprinting, whether a human could imprint back on the hybrid who had imprinted on them. I asked,” a short pause, a slight hint of hesitation before Yixing decides to press on, “because he told me about how you've been suffering while I was gone."
Yifan, always so proud Yifan, tries to draw his hand back in reaction, his features hardening a little as if he doesn't like being reminded of his weaknesses, but Yixing's hold is firm and unbudging, keeping the hybrid in place. "I asked, because everything he said you were going through were things I'd also been experiencing. Yifan, the time being away from you were the worst months of my life," Yixing confesses for the first time, having kept the troubles he was going through from the elder just like the hybrid kept them from him, "I couldn't sleep properly for weeks on end, I was feeling stressed all the time, and nothing could make me seem relax. My flat felt big, and empty, and cold, and I went days without eating anything but a bowl of rice because just the thought of something else made me feel like throwing up. However, my father said humans can't imprint on hybrids," Yixing studies Yifan's face, seeing realization slowly dawn on the hybrids face as he figured out where the smaller was heading. "Humans only get lovesick."
It's almost funny how Yixing can tell from Yifan's expression exactly when the penny drops; his eyes widening first, then his mouth starting to open and close, trying to form words his brain doesn't seem capable of providing at the moment. In a way, Yixing wants to keep watching him, wants to store hold onto the sight of Yifan's eyes slowly wandering down to where his hand is resting against Yixing's ribcage, catching the vibrations of his heartbeat, a look of pure fascination in his eyes, paired with disbelief.
There are too many firsts Yixing's been recalling already, their first meeting, the first thing he ever heard Yifan say, and he figures it's only right if he adds their first kiss to the list, so he moves one hand upwards until he's able to cup Yifan's neck, taking advantage of the fact that Yifan is already facing downwards and pulling him gently closer while at the same time tiptoeing until his lips can meet Yifan's.
A spark runs through Yixing's body at the contact, making his fingertips and toes tingle and all his thoughts stop for a short moment. Yifan's lips are soft beneath his, albeit unresponsive at first since the kiss has taken the hybrid off-guard. Yixing however doesn't let himself be deterred, instead continuing to brush his lips gently against the other's, until eventually Yifan catches on. The hand still resting against Yixing's chest curls into his shirt, either to hold Yifan upright or to pull Yixing closer, and his other hand comes up to card into Yixing's hair as he tilts his head and opens his mouth to deepen the kiss.
All of a sudden it's Yifan leading the kiss, pressing closer to the younger and licking against his lips, urging Yixing to open his mouth as well so that Yifan can explore the cavern with his tongue. It's a weird sensation, to have the catboy's slightly rough tongue glide against his, mapping out the inside of his mouth, but rather than putting Yixing off it spurs him on, making a jolt of electricity course through his body.
There is a sense of desperation in the hybrid's kiss, in the way he tries to pretty much mould himself with Yixing. It's the strain of the last months, perhaps even the time before that, uncoiling and fueling the intensity with which Yifan kisses Yixing. It's as if he pours all the longing he's been bottling up while he was separated from Yixing into the press of their mouths, and Yixing drinks it all up, trying to balance Yifan's force with accepting gentleness, while also sharing his own need for closeness.
He sighs in content when Yifan's hand glides through his hair, angling his head a bit further back as the hybrid leans down enough for Yixing's soles to be planted firmly to the ground again. He can feel Yifan's smile against his lips, and although the way they are kissing makes a moan build in his chest, what leaves his throat is an exhilarated giggle when Yifan finally pulls away a little. He can't believe that this is happening, and with his eyes still closed he chases after Yifan's lips, initiating a sequence of chaste pecks before they eventually separate for good.
When Yixing opens his eyes, he's met with the sight of Yifan's Celadon ones, and he wonders whether his own eyes are sparkling just like the catboy's are. "I love you," he says, the exhilaration in his chest pushing the words out before he can even think about it twice. It's not as if he hasn’t essentially told the other already by confessing to having been lovesick.
"You are my mate," Yifan replies, and even though his confession carries so many more implications than Yixing's, the younger accepts it with open arms, let's the words settle his restless heart into a languid pace. He's always known that he would care and protect Yifan for his whole life, so adding loving him to that list doesn't seem like much of a stretch.
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