"It is the unsaidness of things that propels the story forward"
It was something that an author said about a short story entry on NPR. I think she said more than she realized. At least it rang true in my personal life.
I am taking a few minutes out of my work time, purposefully to write here. I figure if I can focus on getting all the things on my mind out of it, maybe I will be able to do my work more effectively throughout the day. Of course it would help to write something I was proud of, but just writing is a start.
I decided to turn off Pandora today. I have been listening to it a lot, and while I really do love it, I need to start taking care of my own library. I don't have a RIDICULOUS amount of music, but what I do have has not been maintained and organized in the best manner. This is something that could dramatically change the way I experience my music, so I think I will try to take a little more time on it.
Last night I went out to dinner with Gerianne. I went in wanting to hide, wanting to avoid. That's really not the place I'm at in the rest of my life so it was more difficult than I originally thought to NOT talk about all the things that had hurt us over the years. I was content to take what was good from our relationship and walk away. I was content to take, but not to invest. I had been hurt too much.
But as every place we went in Novi closed down, with the exception of a bunch of bars that did no have karaoke, we sat closely in my car. In such intimate blocking it is almost inevitable that such subjects would come up. We talked it out. All the passion with which I would have once spoken of these things is gone, and all I really have to say is that we made a very conscious decision to be honest and be a daily part of each other's lives.
That is what a good friendship is to me. It hurts to "catch up" because it means you lived all this life without someone you consider close. It doesn't make you feel close to get a synopsis of a real life that happened without you. It makes you feel isolated. It made me feel isolated. So we're going to work on it.
Outside of our conversation, we do have things to offer each other. I am a writer, she is a singer. She has offered to give me lessons but I honestly don't know if I could do it with her. While my mother is the bulk of the reason I have issues singing for a small audience or people who are there to critique, Ger has also contributed to my vices over the years. Small words can have a bitter effect. And they did. They put fear in me. I can't say that just because we have reconciled that it is gone.
We are hoping to find a karaoke place tonight and go sing. For me it will have been over a year and a half since I have performed for any kind of audience. While it makes me feel like I've lost my voice, at least the caliber I was at during my senior year, I need this so badly. It tears me apart that the person I love most thinks that this performance side of me is a myth. It's a punch in the face. I'm trying to do something about that.
I want to show Adam that I am a performer, I am an artistic person. This is a huge part of me that he doesn't get to see because I'm not sure how he will respond. And in the case of music I just haven't had an audience, either. While he may never be what I consider a "creative partner" I do want him to know this side of me and hopefully understand me better. It's hard to say that you will ever fully know a person, I think that there are parts of us we subconsciously keep private. Personally, I have tried to be aware of those things and not be private about them. I am so tired of the boundaries between me and other people. It's ridiculous when you think about it, the walls we put up. But most people don't think about it, which is why things just don't work out often.
But regardless of if I will ever know Adam completely, he is missing a big piece of who I am right now, and that is not fair at this stage in our relationship.
Anyway, to work!
I am taking a few minutes out of my work time, purposefully to write here. I figure if I can focus on getting all the things on my mind out of it, maybe I will be able to do my work more effectively throughout the day. Of course it would help to write something I was proud of, but just writing is a start.
I decided to turn off Pandora today. I have been listening to it a lot, and while I really do love it, I need to start taking care of my own library. I don't have a RIDICULOUS amount of music, but what I do have has not been maintained and organized in the best manner. This is something that could dramatically change the way I experience my music, so I think I will try to take a little more time on it.
Last night I went out to dinner with Gerianne. I went in wanting to hide, wanting to avoid. That's really not the place I'm at in the rest of my life so it was more difficult than I originally thought to NOT talk about all the things that had hurt us over the years. I was content to take what was good from our relationship and walk away. I was content to take, but not to invest. I had been hurt too much.
But as every place we went in Novi closed down, with the exception of a bunch of bars that did no have karaoke, we sat closely in my car. In such intimate blocking it is almost inevitable that such subjects would come up. We talked it out. All the passion with which I would have once spoken of these things is gone, and all I really have to say is that we made a very conscious decision to be honest and be a daily part of each other's lives.
That is what a good friendship is to me. It hurts to "catch up" because it means you lived all this life without someone you consider close. It doesn't make you feel close to get a synopsis of a real life that happened without you. It makes you feel isolated. It made me feel isolated. So we're going to work on it.
Outside of our conversation, we do have things to offer each other. I am a writer, she is a singer. She has offered to give me lessons but I honestly don't know if I could do it with her. While my mother is the bulk of the reason I have issues singing for a small audience or people who are there to critique, Ger has also contributed to my vices over the years. Small words can have a bitter effect. And they did. They put fear in me. I can't say that just because we have reconciled that it is gone.
We are hoping to find a karaoke place tonight and go sing. For me it will have been over a year and a half since I have performed for any kind of audience. While it makes me feel like I've lost my voice, at least the caliber I was at during my senior year, I need this so badly. It tears me apart that the person I love most thinks that this performance side of me is a myth. It's a punch in the face. I'm trying to do something about that.
I want to show Adam that I am a performer, I am an artistic person. This is a huge part of me that he doesn't get to see because I'm not sure how he will respond. And in the case of music I just haven't had an audience, either. While he may never be what I consider a "creative partner" I do want him to know this side of me and hopefully understand me better. It's hard to say that you will ever fully know a person, I think that there are parts of us we subconsciously keep private. Personally, I have tried to be aware of those things and not be private about them. I am so tired of the boundaries between me and other people. It's ridiculous when you think about it, the walls we put up. But most people don't think about it, which is why things just don't work out often.
But regardless of if I will ever know Adam completely, he is missing a big piece of who I am right now, and that is not fair at this stage in our relationship.
Anyway, to work!