"The clanging notion I was nobody, nobody"
It's nice to finally be back on my computer. Laziness has driven me to use the netbook as of late...further laziness drove me to avoid apostrophes at all cost since the key was located in a strange place I could never seem to find. Ahh contractions, I missed you.
I was driving to work yesterday morning, listening to talk radio as I like to do when I'm not quite in the mood to hear Kesha play simultaneously on 5 different stations. The hosts were discussing Oprah: apparently some woman had been trying to contact Oprah for years to tell her they were sisters. As you can imagine Oprah gets these kinds of letters more often than most. But, I guess she finally figured out that they WERE sisters and it floored here that there was this other person in the world who she had no idea she was related to.
I could very easily fall into this same scenario. Who knows what has become of my biological father? I know who he is, my mother has his contact information. The last time I talked to him I was in elementary school. I sent him one of my school pictures along with a letter. This letter included a line I don't remember verbatim but will never forget...
Something along the lines of 'I'm not going to write you again until I get a picture/letter/message from you.'
Why did I say that?
While the attention seeking pleas of a 7 year old can hardly be called sophisticated, it wasn't the last time I used this kind of tactic. To me, it was a desperate plea: I want to hear from you so badly. I figure, since I never heard from him since, that to him it was an easy out: Perfect, I don't have to deal with this.
I don't imagine that things would have ended up much different if I refrained, but I do regret saying it. I wonder how things would have been were we in contact. I think it's about time we were.
Maybe it will give me some life experience to write a decent scene in my screenplay. The ones with him in it are severely lacking, and I imagine it's because I don't know what I want, or what I'll get. I am completely emotionally removed from the matter. But how will I feel when I see him, or hear his voice? How will I feel if I meet his wife? How will I feel if he has kids?
I imagine they'd bee significantly younger than me...but what if they weren't?
I don't know, I don't have a very emotional reaction about the thought, maybe because I can't even wrap my mind around it.
Anyway, I was just thinking about how when I really want something, I tend to sell myself short. Offer more than I need to. Say something strange like I did back then. I'm not sure why that is.
But it's strange to think that that once sentence might have changed my life somehow.
I was driving to work yesterday morning, listening to talk radio as I like to do when I'm not quite in the mood to hear Kesha play simultaneously on 5 different stations. The hosts were discussing Oprah: apparently some woman had been trying to contact Oprah for years to tell her they were sisters. As you can imagine Oprah gets these kinds of letters more often than most. But, I guess she finally figured out that they WERE sisters and it floored here that there was this other person in the world who she had no idea she was related to.
I could very easily fall into this same scenario. Who knows what has become of my biological father? I know who he is, my mother has his contact information. The last time I talked to him I was in elementary school. I sent him one of my school pictures along with a letter. This letter included a line I don't remember verbatim but will never forget...
Something along the lines of 'I'm not going to write you again until I get a picture/letter/message from you.'
Why did I say that?
While the attention seeking pleas of a 7 year old can hardly be called sophisticated, it wasn't the last time I used this kind of tactic. To me, it was a desperate plea: I want to hear from you so badly. I figure, since I never heard from him since, that to him it was an easy out: Perfect, I don't have to deal with this.
I don't imagine that things would have ended up much different if I refrained, but I do regret saying it. I wonder how things would have been were we in contact. I think it's about time we were.
Maybe it will give me some life experience to write a decent scene in my screenplay. The ones with him in it are severely lacking, and I imagine it's because I don't know what I want, or what I'll get. I am completely emotionally removed from the matter. But how will I feel when I see him, or hear his voice? How will I feel if I meet his wife? How will I feel if he has kids?
I imagine they'd bee significantly younger than me...but what if they weren't?
I don't know, I don't have a very emotional reaction about the thought, maybe because I can't even wrap my mind around it.
Anyway, I was just thinking about how when I really want something, I tend to sell myself short. Offer more than I need to. Say something strange like I did back then. I'm not sure why that is.
But it's strange to think that that once sentence might have changed my life somehow.