"Nobody Likes You When You're 23...What's My Age Again?"
There's been a lot of dying, a lot of remembering, a lot of illness. A lot of reunion, a lot of talking, a lot of not talking. A lot of wondering, a lot of regrets, a lot of fearfulness and hoping. A lot of finding. A lot of losing. A lot of building, a lot of throwing away.
In short my life this year has been a lot of living.
I've been 23 for 8 days now, and it's nothing special. It's a little blase, but I feel like I have direction.
For my birthday this year, Adam got me a Wii and the board (woo hoo!) so now I don't have to worry about joining an expensive gym or buying a boring treadmil just yet. But he also got me a very thoughtful gift that has me excited about the coming year.
He read some reviews written by a commercial freelance writer and bought the four most highly recommended books by this person, all about how to be a successful and FINANCIALLY SUFFICIENT Freelance Commercial Writer. I'm a little ways into the first one, and so far it's great but fills me with the same self doubt I give myself all the time. Sounds like I'm gonna have to push though and be self employed at some point, but am going to try doing this part time for a while.
Especially considering right now we're working on the house, we're flat broke, we're unmotivated, we're exhausted, and I'm writing a cookbook on the side.. Considering I'm not married and despite health care reform, paying for individual health insurance policies is NOT affordable for what you get. So unless I have the reserves to give up my full time job and health insurance from somewhere, the full time thing isn't a reality. I'm hoping that starting up part time will be a way for me to get those reserves in place. Right now I'd just like to pay off all my bills please. I'm in a little deeper than I feel comfortable.
But I'm reaching the same conclusion on all fronts of my life: It's coming time to confront everything. The fear that I'm not good enough to make it on my own, the fear that I'll never do something I love, the fear that I can't be close to anyone (Adam excluded), my difficulty forgiving and confronting problems I have with others.
Life sure seems great for Ashley on the outside. Nice house, steady job, great boyfriend, cute dog, good family. But for those of you who know me on the inside, I'm swimming in emotional and financial uncertainty as I weigh the pros and cons, hopefully coming out in the black to figure out the question we must all begin with : is it worth it?
In short my life this year has been a lot of living.
I've been 23 for 8 days now, and it's nothing special. It's a little blase, but I feel like I have direction.
For my birthday this year, Adam got me a Wii and the board (woo hoo!) so now I don't have to worry about joining an expensive gym or buying a boring treadmil just yet. But he also got me a very thoughtful gift that has me excited about the coming year.
He read some reviews written by a commercial freelance writer and bought the four most highly recommended books by this person, all about how to be a successful and FINANCIALLY SUFFICIENT Freelance Commercial Writer. I'm a little ways into the first one, and so far it's great but fills me with the same self doubt I give myself all the time. Sounds like I'm gonna have to push though and be self employed at some point, but am going to try doing this part time for a while.
Especially considering right now we're working on the house, we're flat broke, we're unmotivated, we're exhausted, and I'm writing a cookbook on the side.. Considering I'm not married and despite health care reform, paying for individual health insurance policies is NOT affordable for what you get. So unless I have the reserves to give up my full time job and health insurance from somewhere, the full time thing isn't a reality. I'm hoping that starting up part time will be a way for me to get those reserves in place. Right now I'd just like to pay off all my bills please. I'm in a little deeper than I feel comfortable.
But I'm reaching the same conclusion on all fronts of my life: It's coming time to confront everything. The fear that I'm not good enough to make it on my own, the fear that I'll never do something I love, the fear that I can't be close to anyone (Adam excluded), my difficulty forgiving and confronting problems I have with others.
Life sure seems great for Ashley on the outside. Nice house, steady job, great boyfriend, cute dog, good family. But for those of you who know me on the inside, I'm swimming in emotional and financial uncertainty as I weigh the pros and cons, hopefully coming out in the black to figure out the question we must all begin with : is it worth it?