Who am I?
Well...computer's still down, but Mother let me have the computer for a while so that I could write my paper for English. Well, it's done, but I really want to share it with you all (I'm also using this as a spell check). I'm sorry I can't get on as much as I used to. Remember guys, I want to get on, I just can't. I feel so bad that I can't get on, I feel like I'm letting you guys down. I'm sorry. Here's the paper.
Who Am I?
Who am I? It seems that every time a question is asked, I am so eager to talk, I am so eager to jump at the answer...except for this question. I find it incredibly difficult to talk about myself. Why is that so difficult? Inside what drives my heart and soul? What are my qualities? Basically, who am I? After quite a deal of thought on this I still have no idea where to begin, no idea where it will go, and no idea how you, the reader, will take this.
As I have looked at myself and seen who I was before December 25, 2003, and who I am now, it is amazing to see how far I have traveled. It is amazing to see who I have now become. I would have to say, if I were to meet myself a year ago, the latter would viciously murder the former. All humor aside, even the thoughts traveling through our brains are so entirely different that besides physical features, we have nothing in common. What I have learned, what I am still learning, and what I strive to achieve is no where near what it used to be. Now this is not about who I was, but I think it is necessary to say this about my former self to fully understand where I am coming from now.
Having said this, I can now more fully answer this question that I have been asking myself. Who am I? Well...I am learning. I know full well that I do not know everything, nor will I ever. I know that I know very little, but I am certain of this: before Christmas Day, 2003, my life was miserable. After a moment of surrender, after a conversation with Someone who has changed my life, after an encounter with the Living God my life now means something. I do not mean to sound "cliche" or "religious" when I say this. I just merely want to express deep emotions of mine that come from my heart. I promise, if you had felt what I have felt, if you had experienced what I have experienced, you would feel the same way.
What is at my core? What dominates my life? What crafts my fate? I would like to say Jesus. I want to say Jesus, but looking over my life, I honestly do not know if He is the first and foremost center. I do not know if He, above all else, is who I strive to please. I want Him to be. I have heard that Christ is more important that anything else in this world. Logically speaking, if this world eventually dies, if "You can't take it with you," would not the only sound investment be in Something that I can? My own experiences with Christ have even shown me that nothing in this world is better than what He has to offer. But if I truly knew this, if I did not just agree with this, if I did not just come to a minimal understanding of this, but if I actually knew that Jesus Christ was all I ever needed to focus on or lean on, I think my life would look differently. I think my priorities would be more similar to God's. I think my life would be more drastically leaning toward's God's will. My existence would be much more meaningful than it currently stands.
As I look around at my own experiences, and that of others, as I look and see how I react to situations, what I spend my time doing, I am reminded of a quote by C.S. Lewis. "...We are far too easily pleased." I am in complete concurrence to this statement. The things of this world, compared with what I have experienced with just a simple encounter with God, are nothing. Compared to what I have experienced with just a simple worship service, fame, fortune, money, popularity, it is all garbage! But still I find myself going back toward it. I never do this consciously. In fact, I have chosen God over many things at times, many things that seemed better (though I was proved wrong once I began). But yet, I still find myself going back to the monotony of life, instead experiencing the complexity of the Most High God. I find myself subconsciously placing an evening with my friends or a good book over Jesus Christ, my Savior, Redeemer, and Creator. Of course, there's nothing wrong with an outing with friends or reading a book. I find those very pleasing, a blessing from God even! Still...I forget about God far too often. It is too easy to forget that God created everything and that He's here with me. It is too easy to stop being mindful of Him and praising Him. I use an analogy of C.S. Lewis', I am like a child who is too content making mud pies in the slums, to come and enjoy a holiday at the beach.
Now I question myself. Why do I make this decision? Honestly, I do not know. Following God with all my heart, strength, mind, and soul seems like an obvious choice, and it is! Everyday, though, I don't choose it. Everyday I continue to make mud pies in the slums. Of course, I do sugar coat the benefits of Christianity without showing the hardship. Showing these might make my puzzling decision make a little more sense. Christianity is hard. Walking in faith is not always a "holiday at the beach." At times it can be quite the opposite. By being called a "Jesus Freak," I could be seen as weird, odd, or ignorant. At the least I would be called dorky, possibly insane. I could lose my friends, be laughed at by my peers, and be shunned by my family. It would even be a possibility that I one day lay down my life for the Cause. Is this sacrifice worth it? Of course! Yet at times it is hard to see.
I am like a lump of clay. At first I did not like the idea of being clay, I am dirty and mucky, but now I have gotten used to the idea, in fact, I enjoy being clay. Now, my Master wants to make me into a beautiful porcelain vase, but looking at the process, I do not want to be one. I am too afraid of the fire and the molding and the pain. I lose sight of the Reward ahead and get wrapped up in the price. Instead, I should be excited at what lies ahead that the pain and the fire do not matter. I should not even notice because the Reward ahead is so great that nothing else matters. Too often I forget this.
This is where I am, not where I will always be. By faith, I will strive toward the goal, running the race of Christianity so that I can receive my prize at the end. I know that there is not anything better. I know that there is no other way. I know this is what I have been called to. This is who I am.
Who Am I?
Who am I? It seems that every time a question is asked, I am so eager to talk, I am so eager to jump at the answer...except for this question. I find it incredibly difficult to talk about myself. Why is that so difficult? Inside what drives my heart and soul? What are my qualities? Basically, who am I? After quite a deal of thought on this I still have no idea where to begin, no idea where it will go, and no idea how you, the reader, will take this.
As I have looked at myself and seen who I was before December 25, 2003, and who I am now, it is amazing to see how far I have traveled. It is amazing to see who I have now become. I would have to say, if I were to meet myself a year ago, the latter would viciously murder the former. All humor aside, even the thoughts traveling through our brains are so entirely different that besides physical features, we have nothing in common. What I have learned, what I am still learning, and what I strive to achieve is no where near what it used to be. Now this is not about who I was, but I think it is necessary to say this about my former self to fully understand where I am coming from now.
Having said this, I can now more fully answer this question that I have been asking myself. Who am I? Well...I am learning. I know full well that I do not know everything, nor will I ever. I know that I know very little, but I am certain of this: before Christmas Day, 2003, my life was miserable. After a moment of surrender, after a conversation with Someone who has changed my life, after an encounter with the Living God my life now means something. I do not mean to sound "cliche" or "religious" when I say this. I just merely want to express deep emotions of mine that come from my heart. I promise, if you had felt what I have felt, if you had experienced what I have experienced, you would feel the same way.
What is at my core? What dominates my life? What crafts my fate? I would like to say Jesus. I want to say Jesus, but looking over my life, I honestly do not know if He is the first and foremost center. I do not know if He, above all else, is who I strive to please. I want Him to be. I have heard that Christ is more important that anything else in this world. Logically speaking, if this world eventually dies, if "You can't take it with you," would not the only sound investment be in Something that I can? My own experiences with Christ have even shown me that nothing in this world is better than what He has to offer. But if I truly knew this, if I did not just agree with this, if I did not just come to a minimal understanding of this, but if I actually knew that Jesus Christ was all I ever needed to focus on or lean on, I think my life would look differently. I think my priorities would be more similar to God's. I think my life would be more drastically leaning toward's God's will. My existence would be much more meaningful than it currently stands.
As I look around at my own experiences, and that of others, as I look and see how I react to situations, what I spend my time doing, I am reminded of a quote by C.S. Lewis. "...We are far too easily pleased." I am in complete concurrence to this statement. The things of this world, compared with what I have experienced with just a simple encounter with God, are nothing. Compared to what I have experienced with just a simple worship service, fame, fortune, money, popularity, it is all garbage! But still I find myself going back toward it. I never do this consciously. In fact, I have chosen God over many things at times, many things that seemed better (though I was proved wrong once I began). But yet, I still find myself going back to the monotony of life, instead experiencing the complexity of the Most High God. I find myself subconsciously placing an evening with my friends or a good book over Jesus Christ, my Savior, Redeemer, and Creator. Of course, there's nothing wrong with an outing with friends or reading a book. I find those very pleasing, a blessing from God even! Still...I forget about God far too often. It is too easy to forget that God created everything and that He's here with me. It is too easy to stop being mindful of Him and praising Him. I use an analogy of C.S. Lewis', I am like a child who is too content making mud pies in the slums, to come and enjoy a holiday at the beach.
Now I question myself. Why do I make this decision? Honestly, I do not know. Following God with all my heart, strength, mind, and soul seems like an obvious choice, and it is! Everyday, though, I don't choose it. Everyday I continue to make mud pies in the slums. Of course, I do sugar coat the benefits of Christianity without showing the hardship. Showing these might make my puzzling decision make a little more sense. Christianity is hard. Walking in faith is not always a "holiday at the beach." At times it can be quite the opposite. By being called a "Jesus Freak," I could be seen as weird, odd, or ignorant. At the least I would be called dorky, possibly insane. I could lose my friends, be laughed at by my peers, and be shunned by my family. It would even be a possibility that I one day lay down my life for the Cause. Is this sacrifice worth it? Of course! Yet at times it is hard to see.
I am like a lump of clay. At first I did not like the idea of being clay, I am dirty and mucky, but now I have gotten used to the idea, in fact, I enjoy being clay. Now, my Master wants to make me into a beautiful porcelain vase, but looking at the process, I do not want to be one. I am too afraid of the fire and the molding and the pain. I lose sight of the Reward ahead and get wrapped up in the price. Instead, I should be excited at what lies ahead that the pain and the fire do not matter. I should not even notice because the Reward ahead is so great that nothing else matters. Too often I forget this.
This is where I am, not where I will always be. By faith, I will strive toward the goal, running the race of Christianity so that I can receive my prize at the end. I know that there is not anything better. I know that there is no other way. I know this is what I have been called to. This is who I am.