[[Also
patient_heart if mun decides Trisha's staying near Ed like he'd prefer she did with Dante out and about.]]
Still in the Nexus, after her
conversation with Havoc, Riza turns and starts walking toward a store to pick up bandages to take to him later, not bothering to see if she were being followed, or wait for anyone.
[[Thread closed; post-RP edit
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Her lips curled into a bitter, thoroughly humorless grin, more of a pained bearing of teeth than anything else and she lifts her head, resting it against the wall as she looks up at the ceiling. "Now who knows what kind of hell it brought down instead and Havoc's hurt and..." Her voice breaks, a trembly sort of sound. "It would've been enough, you know? I would... it would have been enough knowing that somewhere, sometime, things went right for me, for us, the way they all should have gone instead, and not... just once."
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It idly passes through his head to wonder what would've happened if he had not left Alphonse behind when he went to Liore, but he quickly shoves the thought aside- it doesn't matter by this point, it's long since over with and whatever that outcome would've been, the one he got was satisfactory, if what he'd heard from Russell and Riza and the other Alphonse were true. Alphonse was alive and washed clean of their sins. That was enough.
"If you hadn't warned him, who's to say it wouldn't have gone just as bad, just in a different way? Don't blame yourself for this." He gives her a soft smile. "Holding onto guilt like that only makes you old and worn out long before you should be, and you're too pretty for that, Lieutenant."
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But... understanding would help him fix the current problem better. And god, should he exist, knew that he couldn't fix his own problems, and from where he was, he could no longer try to help Alfons reach his own dreams as he'd devoted himself to, so he might as well try to fix something before he completely gave up and collapsed under the hopelessness and withered away.
"Lieutenant," his voice dropped to barely above a whisper as he spoke, "who pulled the trigger that night?"
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She was silent for a few more moments. "I just missed the final shot."
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"I thought he was dead. The bullet..." She lifts her hand and touches her left cheekbone. "It struck here, at an angle, and shattered it. He lost his eye. If the angle was just a little more that way, I would have killed him. It was just... just pure chance and stupid luck that it wasn't fatal from the start, that we got him to the hospital in time, that he pulled out of it in spite of the doctor's prognosis. I couldn't take a second chance."
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He closes his eyes and takes a shuddering breath. "It'd be hypocritical of me to tell you you shouldn't blame yourself- I've never forgiven myself for what I did to Al, and that was years ago. And he barely came out of it alive." He opens his eyes to look at her. "But that doesn't mean it was your fault. You missed the last shot, but your shoulder was injured, and you were trying to protect him. You're human, Lieutenant Hawkeye. Humans make mistakes. I know if it were me, I wouldn't blame you for it."
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She hadn't meant to leave him. She didn't feel that she could have remained who she had been, but she could have still been who she was. That hadn't been enough. It hadn't been her, it wasn't ever really her, was it? It was just the subordinate, the sharpshooter, the soldier. The fool. She keeps trying to make her lips and voice cooperate to form words, the only sound made a strained, soft, high-pitched sort whimper just before she gives up and hits the back of her head against the wall, glaring up at the ceiling past hot tears, trying to make them stop.
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She closes her eyes, tired now, letting her head fall forward until her chin is against her chest, defeated. "It doesn't matter now though, not here. I get another chance here, like I've wanted. He still cares, here. It'll be better this time." She lifts a hand, wiping her eyes.
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His tone quiets and his grip loosens. "Don't try to replace him like that, Lieutenant. If anyone can tell you how dangerous to the heart that can be, it's me. Don't do that to yourself. You don't deserve that."
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But then, they evaporate under a hot flash of anger, and she shakes his hands off, scrambling to her feet as she starts to pace. "What I deserve is a second chance! What I deserve is a chance to be happy for once, to..." She gestures vaguely, struggling for the words. "For a chance for my life! For my dreams, what I wanted. He knows we're not the same ones! I told him that! He doesn't care about that, he cares about me!"
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