[letterfic] Always and Never
Written by Riza while on vacation.
Roy,
You were the center of my universe, and I think perhaps you still are. Maybe you always will be. I don't know if I'll ever give you this letter -- if I'll choose to, if I'll have the chance, or what. But I need to talk to you. I've needed to talk to you. And looking back over all the years, perhaps I should have said more.
But it's too little, too late, isn't it?
I miss you. I've missed you for what's feeling like forever and a day now. And I love you. I think part of me always will. I'd built my life with you as the heart, the center, the soul. When you left, you took those with you.
But I have got to let go of them, of you, and go on. I want to come back, I won't lie on that. I do. Maybe I will, if my worst fears are realized here, and I find I have no true home to return once I go back. But I know I can't, that I shouldn't. Because if I go back, there's nothing I wouldn't do to earn your forgiveness, to be taken back. Sitting here now, it's a frightening thought to realize that I would put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger if you told me that's what it would take to make things better. That's how much I need you.
Even I can see that's not healthy. You're an addiction, a drug, and I need you. I'm not even sure if this is what love is anymore. I'm not sure if what I feel is addiction or love, or just a bone-deep terror at letting go of everything I ever wished for and taking a new road.
I never meant to abandon you, but intentions count for little in the end. I never did tell you anything; I was too afraid to, afraid to let anyone know or see that I wasn't really as strong as I seemed. And I know you would have tried to fix things and I couldn't bring myself to put anything else on you -- there was already so much, so many burdens I could see pulling you down, especially after he died, and I tried to fill that empty space left the best I could as well and I couldn't justify putting any more problems on you. I was supposed to support you -- support is supposed to be strong, isn't it? And I couldn't let anyone else see either, because you needed me to be strong, so I thought.
I suppose it must have come as a terrible shock to realize I wasn't strong, when I finally cracked under the weight of the realization that the person you needed to be protected from all along had been me. And you left. You left me for abandoning you. And I didn't follow, because I couldn't see where you didn't have full right to blame and hate me for what happened. I still can't, truth be told. I think you're well in your right to hate me now.
And I miss you. The bitterest pill to swallow is the knowledge that all of this? Is my fault. The mess my life became? My choices led me there. And I failed you. Worst of all, I'm not really sure what I could have done differently. Would you have understood if I showed you how weak I was under all those masks? Or would it have brought you down?
I have to let you go, and find a way to live without a heart and soul -- or find new ones. Because I can't tell if this is love anymore, or fear. And there's someone who I hope will still need me, who I'm trying to trust enough to take the weight of things while trying not to be scared to death if there's too much, it'll take us both down.
I thought I'd feel better getting this out on paper. To tell you these things, to say goodbye. Instead, I just feel sick. And I want to run back now but I can't, I won't. I'd lose what little respect for myself I might still retain. I have to prove to myself I can breathe on my own, if only for a little while, and I don't think I can.
I'm sorry. You depended on me. You chose the wrong person. I just wish I could have been who you believed me to be.
Always and never,
- Riza
Roy,
You were the center of my universe, and I think perhaps you still are. Maybe you always will be. I don't know if I'll ever give you this letter -- if I'll choose to, if I'll have the chance, or what. But I need to talk to you. I've needed to talk to you. And looking back over all the years, perhaps I should have said more.
But it's too little, too late, isn't it?
I miss you. I've missed you for what's feeling like forever and a day now. And I love you. I think part of me always will. I'd built my life with you as the heart, the center, the soul. When you left, you took those with you.
But I have got to let go of them, of you, and go on. I want to come back, I won't lie on that. I do. Maybe I will, if my worst fears are realized here, and I find I have no true home to return once I go back. But I know I can't, that I shouldn't. Because if I go back, there's nothing I wouldn't do to earn your forgiveness, to be taken back. Sitting here now, it's a frightening thought to realize that I would put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger if you told me that's what it would take to make things better. That's how much I need you.
Even I can see that's not healthy. You're an addiction, a drug, and I need you. I'm not even sure if this is what love is anymore. I'm not sure if what I feel is addiction or love, or just a bone-deep terror at letting go of everything I ever wished for and taking a new road.
I never meant to abandon you, but intentions count for little in the end. I never did tell you anything; I was too afraid to, afraid to let anyone know or see that I wasn't really as strong as I seemed. And I know you would have tried to fix things and I couldn't bring myself to put anything else on you -- there was already so much, so many burdens I could see pulling you down, especially after he died, and I tried to fill that empty space left the best I could as well and I couldn't justify putting any more problems on you. I was supposed to support you -- support is supposed to be strong, isn't it? And I couldn't let anyone else see either, because you needed me to be strong, so I thought.
I suppose it must have come as a terrible shock to realize I wasn't strong, when I finally cracked under the weight of the realization that the person you needed to be protected from all along had been me. And you left. You left me for abandoning you. And I didn't follow, because I couldn't see where you didn't have full right to blame and hate me for what happened. I still can't, truth be told. I think you're well in your right to hate me now.
And I miss you. The bitterest pill to swallow is the knowledge that all of this? Is my fault. The mess my life became? My choices led me there. And I failed you. Worst of all, I'm not really sure what I could have done differently. Would you have understood if I showed you how weak I was under all those masks? Or would it have brought you down?
I have to let you go, and find a way to live without a heart and soul -- or find new ones. Because I can't tell if this is love anymore, or fear. And there's someone who I hope will still need me, who I'm trying to trust enough to take the weight of things while trying not to be scared to death if there's too much, it'll take us both down.
I thought I'd feel better getting this out on paper. To tell you these things, to say goodbye. Instead, I just feel sick. And I want to run back now but I can't, I won't. I'd lose what little respect for myself I might still retain. I have to prove to myself I can breathe on my own, if only for a little while, and I don't think I can.
I'm sorry. You depended on me. You chose the wrong person. I just wish I could have been who you believed me to be.
Always and never,
- Riza