Finally, a letter we wrote but never sent. (Freddie - for now.)
At last, one of us wrote a letter and actually didn't send it.
It didn't start out to be an unsent letter - it started out to be a message on Facebook, from Stef to our daughter Rachel. But in the end, even though Stef *really* wants to say those things, she ended up canceling the message. Because she doesn't want to fracture what little is left, of her relationship with her daughter.
I'm so mad at this girl, I can't see straight. She hasn't got a clue in hell what it *really* feels like to have a mother that doesn't give a shit.
Stef tried so hard with her. And it was never good enough. And she also tried her ass off with her own mother - and so did I! And that, was so far from satisfactory that it actually ended up killing me, before it was over! Rather, I actually ended up *letting* it kill me. But in my own defense, when one is in very real fear of going to a very literal hell....that can mess with one's head.
Anyway. These two women, the old one and the young one....and this man, on top of it all, is just starting to feel like a bit much right now.
To be perfectly honest, I would love nothing more than to just get high off my ass, and stay that way until enough time has passed that this has started to heal a bit. (That is, assuming Rusty can keep from blowing up at us, criticizing us to death, or getting us evicted in the meantime. He's already making Stef feel like Peg Bundy, the lazy bitch who won't cook. That kind of thing, does get in the way of healing up all these hurts and getting on with it!)
Gah. He's not going to change. And it's not about Stef. She's tried so hard to please him. She is NOT a Peg Bundy.
I think it's high time she got back in to cooking....and not for him. I think it would be great if she got back in to cake decorating. She's always been so good at that, and it could turn in to a profitable hobby. Or even if it doesn't, she'll be sharing her cooking with someone the way she enjoyed doing when she was younger, and maybe it will make that yucky Peg Bundy feeling go the hell away.
Meanwhile, I wish she could drop the 'bad mother' feeling, as well. Even after Rachel was such a bitch, Stef still couldn't make herself send that message. That doesnt' sound like a bad mother to me. It sounds like a good mother, with a spoiled rotten daughter.
(God, if our mother was to turn around and act like she gave a shit about our feelings just fucking *once*, do you have any clue how happy we'd be....? Well, after the paramedics revived us from the heart attack it would give us....but still. Yeah, I'm back in self-pity again. You know what ? Sue me. But be warned, you'll have to get in line behind our oh-so-loving mother.)
I'll be so glad when the spell cast by Rachel's venomous words, wears off. I wish I knew an antidote for the spell. But I don't. The best thing I can think to do, is get very high; stay that way; and let it fade. That's the only thing I've ever known.
It didn't start out to be an unsent letter - it started out to be a message on Facebook, from Stef to our daughter Rachel. But in the end, even though Stef *really* wants to say those things, she ended up canceling the message. Because she doesn't want to fracture what little is left, of her relationship with her daughter.
I'm so mad at this girl, I can't see straight. She hasn't got a clue in hell what it *really* feels like to have a mother that doesn't give a shit.
Stef tried so hard with her. And it was never good enough. And she also tried her ass off with her own mother - and so did I! And that, was so far from satisfactory that it actually ended up killing me, before it was over! Rather, I actually ended up *letting* it kill me. But in my own defense, when one is in very real fear of going to a very literal hell....that can mess with one's head.
Anyway. These two women, the old one and the young one....and this man, on top of it all, is just starting to feel like a bit much right now.
To be perfectly honest, I would love nothing more than to just get high off my ass, and stay that way until enough time has passed that this has started to heal a bit. (That is, assuming Rusty can keep from blowing up at us, criticizing us to death, or getting us evicted in the meantime. He's already making Stef feel like Peg Bundy, the lazy bitch who won't cook. That kind of thing, does get in the way of healing up all these hurts and getting on with it!)
Gah. He's not going to change. And it's not about Stef. She's tried so hard to please him. She is NOT a Peg Bundy.
I think it's high time she got back in to cooking....and not for him. I think it would be great if she got back in to cake decorating. She's always been so good at that, and it could turn in to a profitable hobby. Or even if it doesn't, she'll be sharing her cooking with someone the way she enjoyed doing when she was younger, and maybe it will make that yucky Peg Bundy feeling go the hell away.
Meanwhile, I wish she could drop the 'bad mother' feeling, as well. Even after Rachel was such a bitch, Stef still couldn't make herself send that message. That doesnt' sound like a bad mother to me. It sounds like a good mother, with a spoiled rotten daughter.
(God, if our mother was to turn around and act like she gave a shit about our feelings just fucking *once*, do you have any clue how happy we'd be....? Well, after the paramedics revived us from the heart attack it would give us....but still. Yeah, I'm back in self-pity again. You know what ? Sue me. But be warned, you'll have to get in line behind our oh-so-loving mother.)
I'll be so glad when the spell cast by Rachel's venomous words, wears off. I wish I knew an antidote for the spell. But I don't. The best thing I can think to do, is get very high; stay that way; and let it fade. That's the only thing I've ever known.