Jan 07, 2004 17:24
Today she is 51 and all I can think about is her fiftieth birthday. She didn't do anything special. I don't know that she did anything at all. Was there even a cake? She didn't stay in a ritz carlton with her friends. She couldn't afford it nor does she even have any friends. She didn't go on vacation for two weeks. She can't take off from work for that long. She has no money and no happiness. My mom has become accustomed to nothing and wanting and doing nothing because those are basically her options. she's too tired from working nonstop to have enough energy to live afterward. I hate it for her. Jenna's mom just turned fifty. she is energetic and happy and always on the go. even if she's not happy she isn't as depressed as my mother. I'll bet my life on it. she gets to be with Jenna far more than my mom can be with me, even if she wanted to be with me. and what makes me feel the worst is that while I wish my mom could have half of what jenna's mom has... a house, some dignity, pride, success...any of that. she has none, and not only do I want her to have all of these things, I wish she did. I would prefer it if she did. I wish my mom was more like jenna's mom. I wish it so bad. it makes me want to die. I can't stand this feeling. I don't want to be awake but I'm in too much hurt to fall asleep. I can't think, or move, or do anything. I just want to die. I hate this feeling. and I can't help but compare mothers. I love Jenna. I think about her nearly every moment that she is away. she is off having fun in europe with her mom. I can't just ignore her mom. this entire trip is for her mom. this damned little trip is supposed to be for me. I hate my life. I hate it. I hate it so much. god I don't know how to respond. I can ignore it. but it's still there. it will always be there until I die. I may be happy for the rest of my life and live with jenna and raise beautiful 1/4 korean children and become wealthy or not and die with my love in my arms. but my mom. me and my mom. we have nothing. I want something. I want her to be happy if I can't. why? I hate it. I thought life was amazing. and it is. but I hate it. fuck I hate it. I am no longer on the verge of a mental breakdown. I am in one. it doesn't matter what anyone says. it doesn't matter how many people feel sorry. or don't for that matter. the fact that I have no relationship with either my mother or father can't be helped by anyone but ourselves. and in the deepest most sacred pits of my heart I believe it is impossible or too late. my mother's mind will disappear before she reconciles twenty years. I know so little about her and she knows nearly nothing about me. this I hate. I can see everything that's wrong. this situation is so horrible because it's not that I haven't seen what needs to be done. I'm not going to stumble upon a solution. I've been through every facet of this supremely fucked up situation three thousand times over in my head and I don't know what to do. I don't think it will work. I've spent a lot of serious time over the past few days trying to communicate with her. it's not happening. she can't deal with it. she's just been through too much. I feel like I'm absorbing all of the pain she's felt forever and I don't know how not to. I can't do this. this is the despair that caused men to forge gods.
As of today, my family owes georgetown university $54,741.25. Assuming tuition did not rise before I graduated, we would have loans totalling $109,482.5. At the current rate, my family can only afford to pay around $8000 cash each year. At such a rate, it will take 15 years to pay off school after I graduate. this would make my mother 68 and guy would be 76 or so. Let it be known that neither guy nor my mother have any kind of assets. there is no swiss gold in the bank, no land inheritance, no farm insurance, no savings. therefore, to have the minimum $8000 each year, they'll have to continue working, at least at the current rate. This is a pure impossibility. My mom has no plan to pay off the loans. I am worried for her health. Not only is it extremely unhealthy to work that hard and that long, I don't think she'll survive. the entire thing is very depressing. what's best is people at school tell me I have fucked up monetary views, while their parents either pay pocket change for school or they can at least afford it and still retire some day. not only is it unrealistic that my parents will be able to work long enough to have the money to pay for school, it is unlikely that they will both live another 17 years. my mother's life insurance would certainly do a bit of damage. I do believe this is her ultimate plan. however, with no siblings, no rich grandparents that will help me in the future, that would leave absolutely nothing in the way of credit or anything for a house or a serious commitment down the line. you may say, so goes it. but the point of succeeding one's parents is to surpass their quality of life. if I knew that I would be living the same quality as my mother, I wouldn't want to live, thus ending things tonight. now tell me. am I just to suck it up and live just as my mother has, depressed and ever weary of existence. do not criticize me when I worry about school and money. if you want to trade places, be my guest. if your situation is worse than mine, I will bow down and stop feeling sorry for myself. however, if you don't worry day and night about whether your mom will live long enough to see herself and her son free of debt, if it does not stress you to your human limits because you are unsure of your ability to continue attending school, please do not fucking criticize me unless you're willing to take my place.