(no subject)
I know this isn't healthy. the thought of attempting to speak to my mother makes me short of breath and my heart begins to beat faster than it should. I'm so annoyed that she'll take whatever I say as some sort of attack, get cranky and start bitching it almost makes me mute. the thought of saying something and then enduring the match of words that follows makes me sick to my stomach. honestly. it's like just opening my mouth could stress me out. not saying anything stresses me out. fuck. I want to ask her if she'd like to go to a nearly-free philadelphia orchestra concert designed for children tomorrow at 11:30am but I'm so nervous she'll freak out and start bitching about how early it is I'm very tempted to just forget about it. it's depressing that my mother doesn't like doing things. it's depressing that I can see her aging exponentially, all the while depressed. that she has to count the days of the week outloud on the phone with a booking person in vermont to figure out how many days we're staying (five.) it's all just very depressing you know.