so much has changed
ya so alot has changed for me lately. i am no longer welcom at my home with my family i have been told that they are sick of me always screwing things up. I am worthless to even my family who is sapposda love me no matter wat and the more i think of this the harder it is for me i just so badly want to run, run as fast as i can to my house and just appologize up and down to my mom and tell her how much i love her and how much i miss her and that i miss the times that me and her would just chill watching tv and not even talk just sit there and just be happy. i would smile at her and she would just smile back and just ask wat and i would say nothing i would just smile some more and look away from her. i sad for so long all i wanted was to get of that house and now i am and all i want it to be able to go back to it i mean i see my sister in school and its like we arent even related ne more she wont even give me a hug i mean i know that it is weird and shit for her with me liveing with becca and all but still she is my sister and she should be able to at least hug me. But i gusse i have screwed up any chance of me and her ever being good. all the times i told her that i hated her and the she is a soiled little brat i regret now cause i know that sences i am gone she also has to do all of the shit around the house that i would have to do. And because of that she is doing bad in school and see i new sences i was little that i would never amount to ne thing and you know wat its no big deal to me but she has always done good in school it has never been a problem for her and i new and still know that she will do something great with her life she is going to make a difference in the world and i have always admired that she could just not have a problem with ne thing she has that hole i dont care wat people think thing going for her. And i see now that i have never been helpful to her i have never been able to be there for her or anything like that and the one thing i could to do help her i cant even do now. i can only wonder wat it is like at my house now. and it scares to think of wat happens now when mom and tim fight tim used to just take all of his shit out on me yelling and wat not but now im not there so dose he take it out on her or maybe john and kt. God how i miss john and kt i went ther to get my finnal stuff and my little sister kt who is like 3 or 4 looks at me and gose eric when are you comeing home i miss you, it killed me to hear that i just picked her up and gave her the biggest hug in the world and didnt want to let go john was just like hey eric help me out with this game but i couldnt of even done that cause i had to leave man i miss them all this typeing is makeing me wicked sad and i am starting to cry i havent been able to cry in a while. how could i let y life ture into this. its so hard for me i just want to so badly wake up and realize that this is all a dream and everything is fine between me and my mom and my family. O my god my family i dont even remember the last time i talk to them i think i was at a party and left early to go and see my freinds how could i treat my family like this they are so important to me and i treat them like shit i really do. i dont even think that i am going to see them for thanksgiving witch is also my 18th birthday and im not going to see them wow i really do treat them like shit. i need to wake up from this aful dream. maybe this isnt a dream maybe this is hell maybe one of the times i tried to kill myself i did it right and this is my punishment to live out this horrable life were all i do is cause people pain, thats got to be it this is hell. i am so sorry to all the people that i have hurt in any way at all i really am. if i dont talk to you ne more or you dont talk to me because of something that i have done i am really really sorry i cant rite enough how sorry i am and i hope to god or who ever runs this hell that one day i will fx thing and everything will be good i promise. And if you have read this far i am by far impressed that you car enough about me to read it all and please post a comment just to say that you care enough about e to read this all.