(no subject)
I thought he was a face man. I thought other girls didn't turn him on. I had myself convinced that I was the only one he thought was sexy. I was only jealous of cassie because she's everything I wanted to be. I thought he was so different. I felt so safe. but now I just feel sick. I never thought I'd be this hurt by pictures of strangers. with any other guy, I would expect it. he has to look at pictures of other women to be satisfied. after everything my body's been through for his son. I would look like them by now if he wouldn't make me eat. it's not fucking fair. I get so sick seeing other girls now. he probably wants to see them naked too. I hate myself. I hate my stretch marks and my twenty extra pounds and my cellulite and my vericose veins. I love my son. but I hate what carrying him did to my body. I will never feel sexy or beautiful again. I can never compare to them. I can't afford their plastic bodies. I can't take back nine months of weight gain. every time he ever sees me naked I'll always know he's seen better. even after he's seen me. I'll never be sure he's thinking about me. this isn't fucking fair. I suck at fasting and throwing up. all I can do is work out like crazy for the food I can't get back up. I'm down three pounds in two days but I've only just started. and three pounds on a fat person doesn't make any difference at all. I need a boob job. they look like fucking udders. he watched my vagina tear in half. no wonder he doesn't want it. oh my god. it's been like thirty hours of me going over everything that would make him prefer pictures to me and I've come up with hundreds of reasons. I've never hated myself so bad in my life.