(no subject)

[lifeunscary]

He's the only person that's ever meant anything to me. I wish I'd stop being so afriad of that.

I'm so insecure that I feel completely and utterly unloved when he doesn't initiate holding my hand. How sick is that? I know he loves me. But for some reason I can't feel it.

I hate myself for what I've done to him. I hate myself for the way he flinches when I move. I hate myself for putting him on the fucking roller coaster that is me. I can't get off. And it's only fun the first two or three rounds. But those were over about a year and a half ago. We're on round nine bajizillion and we're both feeling sick. I know the best thing would be to stop the coaster. But I don't know how. I can't seem to find the lever. The next best thing I can think of is to push him off. Which just puts me here alone. And I can't stop crying. I want to hold my baby. And then I want him to hold my baby. And then I want us both to put the baby to bed. And I want him to hold me. But that's not going to happen. It's not fair to have a baby on a roller coaster.

I hate myself so bad.