The New Circle
Can’t remember the last time I was in this room. New friends. Some old are gone. Nothing more it seems than just names in the void you can say “happy birthday” to, and maybe get a response or two. Here’s a fun experiment: give up initiating conversation a while, and see who reaches you for a change. I mean, aside from the obligations you’ve already set. Finish those out, then let it all go.
Made progress maybe. The season motto - stop sulking, start bulking. Yet I find myself sulking, waiting eagerly by the node for a call back, a signal for my attention. It pleases the goopy goblin brain. Why am I so afraid to be alone? Well, I know why to a degree, but why do I allow myself to be affected by these feelings?
Some things take time, and some things are beyond your control. You can’t rush a haven, and there’s no guarantee of reaching it, especially if you’re striving for it without recognizing those constant truths.
You’re going to have to become accustomed to solitude, fortify that understanding, and feel as though the breaks from it are mere treats for continuing to live with the strength and courage to face yourself alone.
Sobriety is an important aspect. I’m not saying full sobriety, like completely clean. I do believe scientifically that brain makeup differs for people, but try to cut out nearly everything that isn’t necessary. For me it was caffeine.
I’m also stubborn in how I will refuse to allow any unnecessary chemical to control my mind, body and life. It may not be so easy for others though, but getting to bed at a reasonable time for me is a difficult task, so I by no means think I’m superior for my choices.
The only point to even writing this is to give the thoughts a destination that isn’t presently rattling around in my head. My hope is if I can formulate a structured path with these thoughts to some end, or simply to establish where they originated, it will help me curb the feelings of lack or loss.
It wouldn’t hurt to reframe, instead of focusing on what you don’t want or have, focus on what you do want and have. And try it to consume so much. Take a break, reflect on the new information, then create. If we’re taking a step away from the dark path for a while, it’s time to work on sources of light.