Hydrate the fern.
Stream of consciousness begin>>
I'm sorry about the stupid fucking collar. I misread the situation from the start, and not knowing as much as I should about kink - particularly yours - I thought it would be something you would appreciate as a gift, only for the day. Unaware. My intentions were harmless, not that it excuses anything. It was meant to be a fun little "reward for the day" - remember how I said "just for tomorrow" regarding the reward? I was going to give it to you on the hike, but it didn't feel right without consent. Then when you expressed interest in the collar, in conjunction with that unfortunate typo, I was under the impression it was all good. Instead it began making everything awkward, like REALLY awkward. Anxiety inducing even, and I feel like such a goddamn fool ever since. Stupid fucking collar. Unaware. Now, you'll never look at me the same way, at least for a good while. You probably have a picture now of this obsessive weirdo doing his best to put on a tame, gentleman's mask, when in actuality the only mask I can speak for is that of someone who knows how to read a room. Well, I can't. It's why I try(emphasis on try) to be so hyper-vigilant with communication, trust, and honesty. Without it, I have no clue what's going on. Neurodivergent much? I take everything too literally. Sometimes I can't even tell when people are joking or serious, so I'll laugh in a given situation and make shit awkward, because the person was being serious(or vice versa, where they're joking and I think they're serious - case in point, the "vodka" in your thermos? Facepalm.), then I feel like an ass. Truth is I care deeply for everyone I know, and sometimes it's to my detriment. It eats me up inside when I'm responsible for causing anyone pain. I'm usually the one attempting to empathize or absorb some of that pain for them. There was a time or two where I would only drink beer or liquor, or even smoke a cigarette, simply so the present company had less poison for themselves. (Once, a narcissist even called me out on it.) I don't operate in that fashion anymore fortunately. My friends' vices are theirs to manage, not mine. Still, I'm very protective of my tribe, inside and out, and would do anything for them(within reason). I have a troubled, traumatic past, and I'd never want anyone I connect with to go through that ever. So I try to lead by example as much as possible. I'm not *trying* to be nice, I just don't understand why everyone simply can't be kind to one another in the first place. It's why I've been pessimistic for so long, to the point I'd given up hope in humanity, and went the absurdist route. Everything is a joke, and I found it hard to care anymore because I was so burnt out from feeling the world's pain. All the while, I never stopped being kind. It's the least anyone can do in a world overwrought with negativity and distrust. There was a time where I seeked to crush my ego because I absolutely hated the concept of selfishness. I had to learn to accept myself (ego included) just to avoid being taken advantage of any further, but I didn't pass the grade until finally standing up for myself against, yet again, another narcissist.
Why am I telling you all of this anyway? I only want you to see me for who I really am, unfiltered, no bs. You've awakened a lot inside of me I've been keeping dormant for so long. That desire to return to nature, to live a healthier life, to be more colorful, to be that encouragement for others to do the same. Making better diet choices? Thank you. Completely give up drugs of any kind - even caffeine? Thank you.
Getting out to hike locally and more often for a much needed reset from society? Thank you. Stop procrastinating with creativity and DO the damn thing? Thank you.
Work on meditation and improving sleep? Thank you.
In such a short time, you've been such a good friend and human to me, and helped me so much, directly AND passively, that I feel like I'm indebted to you forever. It kills me our friendship is so strained and tense right now otherwise, and I really don't know how to relieve it. With communication being so vital, I become lost when it's challenged. It's not a matter of frequency. One of my best friends(Dan) lives in FL, I haven't seen him in nearly 10 years, and we talk maybe 4 times a month like we're still having the first great conversation we've ever had. So I know it's not a matter of frequency.
I'm always worried the last thing I say will upset you forever, and I'll never live it down. It's a completely irrational fear, maybe, because I have no ill intentions talking to you, but it's there. I sense your apprehension, especially now in how you speak through text, sometimes. I love when I meet people whom I identify with on so many levels, because it's seemingly so rare, and the thought of losing a connection BECAUSE of me is crushing. You may say, "why do you care so much what others think about you to let it have an effect on you this way?" My response, why *don't* people care what others think? Why aren't people more considerate of their actions and how it ripples into others' lives? We could all strive for more humility and consideration for our fellow humans..in my opinion. I'm just hoping for the day I can say anything at all on my mind to you, and not feel judged or penalized. You're my newest friend. You're in my heart forever, along with Dan, Shawna, Sean, Will, Erin, Jade, Tim, Tony, Shelby, Jon, Bree, Matt, Meg, Steve, Stef, Beth, Rocco, Sara, Ernie, Sarah. Welcome to my tribe. I hope there's a place in yours for me - a place without an awkward, stupid, fucking collar.
>>End stream.