(no subject)
fuck my life. FUCK. MY. LIFE. how many times can i say it until it no longer feels like it fits.. unconditionally apparently.. how can things happen SOOOO coincidentally and yet oh so regressively back n a circle ALL at the SAME time.. ex gf of forever ago hooks up w the same girl she cheated on me w the SAME time i get a myspace message by the guy (around that time) who i went to talk to and console me rapes me .. really... REALLY.. really... is this REALLY my life. my life.. this life that i have rebuilt from the fucking below ground up.. the life where i have been happy... felt balanced..the same life that finally took the time to grow and feel healthy for the first time since all this bullshit and my self destruction and pushing people away happened.. and THIS happens.. and fucks everything up.. all the fuck over again.. IM SIX FUCKING HOURS AWAY.... im in aworld away.. a lifetime away.. im a whole different person.. or.. i was.. i was finally about me.. doing things for me.. and felt in control.. and it all gets taken away. in a flash.. in an email.. gone.. everything. gone. whats the fucking point. WHAT WAS THE POINT.. why take responsibility.. why forgive myself.. why rebuild my life.. why try to branch out and let people in.. W H Y . . . all so i can be reminded.. feel everything all over again.. shoved in my face that itll never go away.. that ill never be pure.. or clean again... that i will never actually be done with this.. that ill always carry it with me.. not even as a part of me.. just me.. cuz anytime i think i can overcome it.. find a better place.. be healthy.. it will come back... in the exact same ways to remind me.. that ill never escape.. i truly thought i was meant to do more.. that i would be something.. that i could change the world.. and despite my family situations.. all the drug problems.. money problems.. addiction problems.. i was gonna make it out.. i was gonna find a way to change the world.. and despite all my own personal problems.. i was gonna find a way.. me... the only one in my family.. i could do it.. because my mother told me i could do anything in the world.. because my grandfather put me in charge of taking care of everyone before he died.. because my father has been in prison most my life for using his gifts for selfish negative reasons.. i was gonna make a difference.. bt- who the FUCK was i kidding.. how can i leave it all behind and do something like that.. it will always come back.. it will always find a way.. to remind me where i come from and what my place is.. might as well pin me to the fucking floor all over again and fuck me while i cry and say no over n over again.. might as well.. the feeling rushes back no matter how hard i rebuild.. no matter how much i grow and get healthy.. no matter how much i accept the fact that i had no control.. and might as well give the exact same god damn situation in a way.. why not.. to remind me that the one person who truly understands is still at a disadvantage to be there for me.. and might as well put me in a city with people who DONT fuckin know me.. and are easily pushed away.. because they are in the own world and dont gve a shit about what i could be going through.. might as well be fucking alone.. oh wait- i am.. this time.. thats whats different.. im fucking alone.. sure my mother isnt saying i deserve it.. but shes also not down the street for me to attempt to go to.. and my close friends.. the ones that got me through it.. cant hold me in the middle of the night when i feel utterly useless, spent, dirty, and alone.. i cant cry in anyones arms.. nope.. im fucking alone.. which was a blessing when i was healthy and happy because its been the first time where i could rely on myself.. but a fucking curse right now cuz i could really use a good friend who understands where im coming from.. who will help me even though i have too much pride to ask for it... god... must... hate... me.. cuz this is one big sick fucking joke.. and its on me. and im still trying to figure out what the fuck i did to deserve it