its not okay.. its. just. not.

[lifespoeticjrny]

and im.. not... okay. i feel this urge.. this pint up aggression.. this anger.. this sadness.. this pain.. surging through me.. all over again... the images flash through me.. like a slide show movie that someone has strapped me into a chair and opened my eye lids and is forcing me to see.. and.. no... im not okay. i was .. okay. i was more than okay.. i have been consistently dealing with this... battling this.. working through this... feeling it but.. owning it.. and accepting it. i forgave myself.. finally.. and believed it wasnt my fault.. that there really was.. nothing i could do .. i had to concede... admit that he did - have control. in that moment.. and i began to control positively after that.. rebuilding the things i ignored.. the things the destroyed.. i began to live.. to thrive really.. i took time to enjoy myself... and i was.. okay..

and i know.. just because he found me.. just because he flaunted that he found me.. doesnt mean he still has the control. but.. that doesnt mean im okay anymore.. because .. these images.. are here.. and instead of just watching.. im feeling.. it all. over. again. and my heart cant fucking take it. my body... cant take it. and i dont want to fucking take it. and i dont know how to react.. last time i reacted in all the wrong ways.. ignoring which turned into self destruction.. admittance and anger which turned into unfair outlashing... and i.. dont want to. be that way. i dont. i know.. i can be abetter person.. can deal with it more productively.. i know there is a way to control this more positively.. i just.. dont. know. it. and i.. dont. want to be alone. but i .. have too much pride.. to ask anyone for help. so i wont. god i wish i was back home... with my friends and family for support.. i wish i could just surround myself around the people who love me and have been there for me.. around people who care.. truly care about me.. cuzall i know right now is - im not okay.