Stay sweetly numb. Remain lifeless, love.
It seems logical to conclude that where I am, everywhere that I am and am in the capacity to be, is not where I belong. The people, the atmosphere, the opportunities, everything. Nothing that is happening feels extraordinarily right. It's becoming obvious to me that I need to restructure something. I just don't know what yet. And I hate change. I fear it and do not generally deal well. But things don't feel right. I always want to fast-forward. I always want to disappear, with hopes of reappearance somewhere different and better.
The thing is, nothing is overly negative. I have it good. My intelligence and luck and looks get me what I need, for the most part. There isn't much more I can do. I don't have to work extremely hard to get what I want in any sense of the word. I'm lucky in many senses. But still something is not right. It's all in needing to "grow up" and get to my big-girl life. I just don't know when it's going to start. Sometimes I feel like I'm just being dragged down by everything. Sometimes I just don't feel like I fit in. I want to reach my goals and be successful and get what I want. I want to make a difference. I want to have an office and be important, and if I'm lucky that can start in less than a year. I end up relying on luck that I just don't know is even there, and hope for the best. That's all I do these days. Wait and hope.
People underestimate me. People talk down to me. People say very hurtful and offensive things to me, but hey it's okay, it's Elise. But it's not okay. Maybe that's why I feel like I need this so much. I need to succeed in what I want just to prove to others that I'm definitely not what they think I am. I'm smart. I plan things. I'm a good writer. I reason well. I know law. Just because I'm funny and like to have a good time doesn't mean that I'm not intelligent, because the truth is, I'm likely smarter than most of the people who think it's okay to assume I'm not. And the fact is, I'm not who I used to be. I've changed, and some people are too unkind to take a glance into my life and realize that. Things change, and my goals have changed. I'm ready to succeed for me, because I deserve it and I know I can. I want to get to a new point in my life where I can weed out the people who don't have faith in me and don't even know who I am.
But it all comes down to more waiting and hoping. Transitions just kill me.
The thing is, nothing is overly negative. I have it good. My intelligence and luck and looks get me what I need, for the most part. There isn't much more I can do. I don't have to work extremely hard to get what I want in any sense of the word. I'm lucky in many senses. But still something is not right. It's all in needing to "grow up" and get to my big-girl life. I just don't know when it's going to start. Sometimes I feel like I'm just being dragged down by everything. Sometimes I just don't feel like I fit in. I want to reach my goals and be successful and get what I want. I want to make a difference. I want to have an office and be important, and if I'm lucky that can start in less than a year. I end up relying on luck that I just don't know is even there, and hope for the best. That's all I do these days. Wait and hope.
People underestimate me. People talk down to me. People say very hurtful and offensive things to me, but hey it's okay, it's Elise. But it's not okay. Maybe that's why I feel like I need this so much. I need to succeed in what I want just to prove to others that I'm definitely not what they think I am. I'm smart. I plan things. I'm a good writer. I reason well. I know law. Just because I'm funny and like to have a good time doesn't mean that I'm not intelligent, because the truth is, I'm likely smarter than most of the people who think it's okay to assume I'm not. And the fact is, I'm not who I used to be. I've changed, and some people are too unkind to take a glance into my life and realize that. Things change, and my goals have changed. I'm ready to succeed for me, because I deserve it and I know I can. I want to get to a new point in my life where I can weed out the people who don't have faith in me and don't even know who I am.
But it all comes down to more waiting and hoping. Transitions just kill me.