(no subject)
Well ... where to start? I talked to the other guy tonight. Yeah .. I know. Dumb mistake. I messenged him and introduced myself as her friend. Nothing out of bounds was said, just amde a simple request that he treat her good, because she deserves it. I know how I feel about the whole thing but the truth is, as I look at the situation .. I am actually the "other" guy. I'm the one on the outside looking in here. Somehow, for the second time in my life, I've found myself in this situation and it sucks.
I spoke with a good friend the other night about the whole situation and explained how I actually feel about her to this friend. She said it wasn't surprising. In fact, the only thing that shocked her in the least was what I am about to disclose to you good listeners.
I have no fight left. There is nothing in me that wants to throw hands with this guy. Nothing in me wants to leave him in a crumpled sack of pain. I don't even want to see her split with him and possibly hurt him emotionally. I would be estatic if she did and came to be with me. But I don't want it for him. Yeah, I know what you might be thinking. That's pretty typical isn't it? Isn't that how it should be? Maybe. But it hasn't been my style for the past six years.
She has me som confused that I have no idea how to proceed anymore. Well .. let me rephrase that. I know exactly what is going on. I know how I should react to every situation that I have run across in this relationship. I know what i should be saying .. doing .. not doing. I know it. And for some reason, when it comes times for actions ... words ... I turn into a stumbling, bumbling punchdrunk boxer whose best days are nothing more than a diluted vision. One that I'm not sure is real or fantasy. I can't not seperate things and follow through with the correct course of action.
I spent all day with her and the boy again today. We went to the beach, had some grub. Was a great time. I got to hold her and him. I got to feel her skin against mine .. her cheek against my cheek. I got to look at that smile for hours again. There are no words that can explain the way I feel. Well .. we did manage to put it into words earlier when we talked after she got home and online. I asked her what she was thining when she gave me those looks and that smile. She said she wasn't sure. She was just really happy at that moment. So I guess the word we are using to decribe those shared smiles and locked eyes is happiness. But it is so much more. So much simpler, yet unexplainable. It's pure. It is easily the greatest feeling I have ever felt. Her smile makes me want to cry in public, simply because I don't get the pleasure of seeing it every day. Pure happiness perhaps. I just know it is more addicting than caffiene ... alcohol ... nicotine ... and anything else that could possibly be out there on the streets. I crave it to my core. The minute I wake up .. until the last second of conciousness before I fall asleep to dream about that smile and getting to feel that way again.
I don't know where this thing will go. I don't know if it'll end happily for me. I can't tell that when all the dust settles if it will have been a mistake to not take Ash up on her offer to move. But I have to stay. I have to wait it out. A week, a month, a year ... a lifetime. I'm hooked. And I will do whatever she asks to get that fix.
God I love her.
I spoke with a good friend the other night about the whole situation and explained how I actually feel about her to this friend. She said it wasn't surprising. In fact, the only thing that shocked her in the least was what I am about to disclose to you good listeners.
I have no fight left. There is nothing in me that wants to throw hands with this guy. Nothing in me wants to leave him in a crumpled sack of pain. I don't even want to see her split with him and possibly hurt him emotionally. I would be estatic if she did and came to be with me. But I don't want it for him. Yeah, I know what you might be thinking. That's pretty typical isn't it? Isn't that how it should be? Maybe. But it hasn't been my style for the past six years.
She has me som confused that I have no idea how to proceed anymore. Well .. let me rephrase that. I know exactly what is going on. I know how I should react to every situation that I have run across in this relationship. I know what i should be saying .. doing .. not doing. I know it. And for some reason, when it comes times for actions ... words ... I turn into a stumbling, bumbling punchdrunk boxer whose best days are nothing more than a diluted vision. One that I'm not sure is real or fantasy. I can't not seperate things and follow through with the correct course of action.
I spent all day with her and the boy again today. We went to the beach, had some grub. Was a great time. I got to hold her and him. I got to feel her skin against mine .. her cheek against my cheek. I got to look at that smile for hours again. There are no words that can explain the way I feel. Well .. we did manage to put it into words earlier when we talked after she got home and online. I asked her what she was thining when she gave me those looks and that smile. She said she wasn't sure. She was just really happy at that moment. So I guess the word we are using to decribe those shared smiles and locked eyes is happiness. But it is so much more. So much simpler, yet unexplainable. It's pure. It is easily the greatest feeling I have ever felt. Her smile makes me want to cry in public, simply because I don't get the pleasure of seeing it every day. Pure happiness perhaps. I just know it is more addicting than caffiene ... alcohol ... nicotine ... and anything else that could possibly be out there on the streets. I crave it to my core. The minute I wake up .. until the last second of conciousness before I fall asleep to dream about that smile and getting to feel that way again.
I don't know where this thing will go. I don't know if it'll end happily for me. I can't tell that when all the dust settles if it will have been a mistake to not take Ash up on her offer to move. But I have to stay. I have to wait it out. A week, a month, a year ... a lifetime. I'm hooked. And I will do whatever she asks to get that fix.
God I love her.