yet again ...
Yeah, I know .. two posts in the same day .. and neither of them revolve around some stupid ass quiz. What the fuck is wrong with me!?
I'm depressed. Yep, shocker. Nobody is really going to read this outside of a couple people, and I guess that is why I am writing it, cause this place will probably earn me the least amount of ... "I'm sorry." and "I'm here to talk if you need somebody." bullshit. I don't really want that, I just need to vent and this is the forum I will be using. So if those are going to be your replys .. don't bother.
I just told my ex that I porbably wouldn't be seeing her anymore whan she comes back to town. Why? Because I don't want to meet her boyfriend. Period. No other reason, I still love her .. I still can't have her .. and I still can't accept her with him. And seeing as how I am pretty much a giant asshole in sheep's clothing and have been for the past .. oh say .. 10 years or so, I am taking my frustrations out on her. I'm a real winner. Smartest thing she could have done with her life was move up there and get away from this shipwreck I call a life. Yeah yeah .. I know, I don't have it bad .. and haven't even seen bad really. Blah blah blah.
I went out with an old friend tonight. A female friend. I honestly had a great time and did NOT want to leave when she needed to go. I got home and immediately my mood hit the shitter because I realized, yet again, that more than likely I am going to be alone from here on out. Why? Because I'm lazy ... I'm a pussy when it comes to meeting people ... and above all, I hate myself. Shocking news huh? Real honesty there .. something that the majority of the world is just incapable of .. including myself. No sugarcoating, no double-talk. I'm an asshole and I hate myself because of it.
A few years back, when she split for greener pastures, I had a real bad case of depression. To the point of really craving the balls to pull off any of the thousands of thoughts running through my head. Thoughts you ask? Suicide of course. I still have times, like now, where I think that would have been the quickest ... and probably the best answer to my dillemma. Would have saved everyone a lot of time, effort and in the long run, emotional disruption. The first time I lived with my folks, there was more than one occasion that I looked at my grandfather's old pistol and rounds .. and craved tasting it. Why? Because some chick broke up with me? Because THE chick broke up with me? No .. because I was to much of a bitch to own up to the fact that she was smarter than I gave her credit for and knew when to get off a sinking ship. Fuck it ... fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it .... yeah, that about sums up my mood right now. I would like to say that I am going to turn over a new leaf right here and now, and be a better person. To care about others more than myself. To be loyal. To be honest. To be the person that some people actually think I am. But I'm not. I'm going to continue to be the pathetic waste of space that I have been for the last twenty-four plus years and keep finding reasons to not pull the trigger....
I'm depressed. Yep, shocker. Nobody is really going to read this outside of a couple people, and I guess that is why I am writing it, cause this place will probably earn me the least amount of ... "I'm sorry." and "I'm here to talk if you need somebody." bullshit. I don't really want that, I just need to vent and this is the forum I will be using. So if those are going to be your replys .. don't bother.
I just told my ex that I porbably wouldn't be seeing her anymore whan she comes back to town. Why? Because I don't want to meet her boyfriend. Period. No other reason, I still love her .. I still can't have her .. and I still can't accept her with him. And seeing as how I am pretty much a giant asshole in sheep's clothing and have been for the past .. oh say .. 10 years or so, I am taking my frustrations out on her. I'm a real winner. Smartest thing she could have done with her life was move up there and get away from this shipwreck I call a life. Yeah yeah .. I know, I don't have it bad .. and haven't even seen bad really. Blah blah blah.
I went out with an old friend tonight. A female friend. I honestly had a great time and did NOT want to leave when she needed to go. I got home and immediately my mood hit the shitter because I realized, yet again, that more than likely I am going to be alone from here on out. Why? Because I'm lazy ... I'm a pussy when it comes to meeting people ... and above all, I hate myself. Shocking news huh? Real honesty there .. something that the majority of the world is just incapable of .. including myself. No sugarcoating, no double-talk. I'm an asshole and I hate myself because of it.
A few years back, when she split for greener pastures, I had a real bad case of depression. To the point of really craving the balls to pull off any of the thousands of thoughts running through my head. Thoughts you ask? Suicide of course. I still have times, like now, where I think that would have been the quickest ... and probably the best answer to my dillemma. Would have saved everyone a lot of time, effort and in the long run, emotional disruption. The first time I lived with my folks, there was more than one occasion that I looked at my grandfather's old pistol and rounds .. and craved tasting it. Why? Because some chick broke up with me? Because THE chick broke up with me? No .. because I was to much of a bitch to own up to the fact that she was smarter than I gave her credit for and knew when to get off a sinking ship. Fuck it ... fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it .... yeah, that about sums up my mood right now. I would like to say that I am going to turn over a new leaf right here and now, and be a better person. To care about others more than myself. To be loyal. To be honest. To be the person that some people actually think I am. But I'm not. I'm going to continue to be the pathetic waste of space that I have been for the last twenty-four plus years and keep finding reasons to not pull the trigger....