Badge For My Scars
***No Intro. Ill Just Jump Right Into It***
Its really been a while since my last blog. Far to long if you ask me. But doesnt it seem like the same thing every time I write one. That its been awhile since my last one. But what do you want from me? I guess people sometimes expect the best of me but only get the worse. This is a blog about things. Things that came and passed these last few months. I dont know where I am going to go with this nor do I know if it will piss you all off. But here goes something I guess.
I live in Kansas. Far from any blood relation. I moved out here for reasons that I already explained. I dont regret doing it. Not in the least. I have learned so much about myself since moving here. Ive learned to let things go, to enjoy the little things, and to be myself. But who am I really? I am far from this normal person people thing I am. I love, I hurt, I cry, Im a friend, I bleed, I sleep, I scream, I laugh, and I am just me. I have been trying to figure out a lot of stuff about myself these past months. Like how I became the person people love and people hate.
I have been on my own for 14 years. I left my parents at 13. at fucking 13 years old. Thats early in ones life. I had to grow up fast. I had to learn a lot about life on my own. Ive slept in cars, on people couches, on the ground, in the cold, and family members home. This is not good for a child. I was a child. But I grew up fast. Still finished high school, barely, but I finished. I had good friends along the way. Some people that cared. At an early age I had a mid lifes crisis, and a nervous break down. I was on drugs, I was drinking, and I wanted to die and I almost did....
Im going to share something with you all that only a few that are close to me know. I cant remember the date but I want to say around 8 years ago I decided to end it all. To finnaly give in to temptation and fucking do it. I got a hold of a gun. Dont ask how or who. I had one. Loaded it up and put the barrel in my mouth. I breathed in and then out. Pulled the hammer back and fired..... *pause for dramatic effect* and guess what.... Nothing happened. The gun didnt fire as you could have guessed. I am still alive but scared out of my fucking mind. That shit could have went off. I could have lost my life then. The time of year was new years. Each year since that day on new years I had a bad time. Every fucking time. Its crazy. Its just a day. But a day that reminds me of that day.
I have tried killing myself before that day and after. Ive tried hanging myself, drowning, and pills. But I am still here. What was I so freaked out about. Well I guess having to grow up as fast as I did would take its toll on anyone. I mean I was only 13. What 13 year old has to do this? Well you would be surprised. I know I havent been the only one to do this. But this is my blog, my life, my words.
Ive lead this life without asking for to much help. I could have asked for the help I needed but I decided to do it mostly on my own. I have pushed people away that honestly wanted to help better my life but I told them I wanted to do it on my own. My mom tells me every time now that I talk to her on the phone to come home. I tell her Im wanting to do this to prove to people I can. Who am I trying to impress? Im the only child who doesnt live close to my mom. She offers me help but I tell her I want to do it. That I want to try and make it. This still scares the shit out of me. I could be fucking up my life and not realizing it....
After Jess I started to drink again and do some drugs. I got myself into a relationship that fucked me up bad. A friend, well who is now my Girlfriend, help me realize that I am better than that. That I need to be happy. And no she wasnt trying to break us up. She cared for my health and me. It wasnt till after we decided to give it a shot. And I smile. I smile a lot. But thats another blog for another time. The day after I left she claims to be pregnant. Typical crazy ex stuff right there. But she took a test and was late. Well come to find out its something medical that is causing it. Not a child. That is a blessing but saddens me in reasons that go back a few years. I touched on that subject in an earlier blog so I wont go into it here.
Been here for a month and so much has changed. I smile more, I eat when i do. lol. Im able to be me. I was with Jess but things stopped me. I have learned a lot since then and became better. Now I am moving again. Out of Kansas. Im excited and scared at the same time. Its a new place with new people. But also its new people and a new place. Ive had plenty of chances to go back to Indiana but I decided to stick this out and see where it goes. I dislike Wichita. To crazy for me. I did find a place that I felt good in. But I wont go there for some time. Have to build some steps to reach that goal. I am going to go back to school. Well try to. And also helping Bryanna go back also. She better or I will kick her ass. lol.
Wow what a crazy life I lead. I really should write a book sometime. Who knows maybe it will be a movie.. Chris Popp the movie.. Nah I dont like the sound of it. Id much rather have Badge For My Scars.
Well till the next one.
-Chris
Its really been a while since my last blog. Far to long if you ask me. But doesnt it seem like the same thing every time I write one. That its been awhile since my last one. But what do you want from me? I guess people sometimes expect the best of me but only get the worse. This is a blog about things. Things that came and passed these last few months. I dont know where I am going to go with this nor do I know if it will piss you all off. But here goes something I guess.
I live in Kansas. Far from any blood relation. I moved out here for reasons that I already explained. I dont regret doing it. Not in the least. I have learned so much about myself since moving here. Ive learned to let things go, to enjoy the little things, and to be myself. But who am I really? I am far from this normal person people thing I am. I love, I hurt, I cry, Im a friend, I bleed, I sleep, I scream, I laugh, and I am just me. I have been trying to figure out a lot of stuff about myself these past months. Like how I became the person people love and people hate.
I have been on my own for 14 years. I left my parents at 13. at fucking 13 years old. Thats early in ones life. I had to grow up fast. I had to learn a lot about life on my own. Ive slept in cars, on people couches, on the ground, in the cold, and family members home. This is not good for a child. I was a child. But I grew up fast. Still finished high school, barely, but I finished. I had good friends along the way. Some people that cared. At an early age I had a mid lifes crisis, and a nervous break down. I was on drugs, I was drinking, and I wanted to die and I almost did....
Im going to share something with you all that only a few that are close to me know. I cant remember the date but I want to say around 8 years ago I decided to end it all. To finnaly give in to temptation and fucking do it. I got a hold of a gun. Dont ask how or who. I had one. Loaded it up and put the barrel in my mouth. I breathed in and then out. Pulled the hammer back and fired..... *pause for dramatic effect* and guess what.... Nothing happened. The gun didnt fire as you could have guessed. I am still alive but scared out of my fucking mind. That shit could have went off. I could have lost my life then. The time of year was new years. Each year since that day on new years I had a bad time. Every fucking time. Its crazy. Its just a day. But a day that reminds me of that day.
I have tried killing myself before that day and after. Ive tried hanging myself, drowning, and pills. But I am still here. What was I so freaked out about. Well I guess having to grow up as fast as I did would take its toll on anyone. I mean I was only 13. What 13 year old has to do this? Well you would be surprised. I know I havent been the only one to do this. But this is my blog, my life, my words.
Ive lead this life without asking for to much help. I could have asked for the help I needed but I decided to do it mostly on my own. I have pushed people away that honestly wanted to help better my life but I told them I wanted to do it on my own. My mom tells me every time now that I talk to her on the phone to come home. I tell her Im wanting to do this to prove to people I can. Who am I trying to impress? Im the only child who doesnt live close to my mom. She offers me help but I tell her I want to do it. That I want to try and make it. This still scares the shit out of me. I could be fucking up my life and not realizing it....
After Jess I started to drink again and do some drugs. I got myself into a relationship that fucked me up bad. A friend, well who is now my Girlfriend, help me realize that I am better than that. That I need to be happy. And no she wasnt trying to break us up. She cared for my health and me. It wasnt till after we decided to give it a shot. And I smile. I smile a lot. But thats another blog for another time. The day after I left she claims to be pregnant. Typical crazy ex stuff right there. But she took a test and was late. Well come to find out its something medical that is causing it. Not a child. That is a blessing but saddens me in reasons that go back a few years. I touched on that subject in an earlier blog so I wont go into it here.
Been here for a month and so much has changed. I smile more, I eat when i do. lol. Im able to be me. I was with Jess but things stopped me. I have learned a lot since then and became better. Now I am moving again. Out of Kansas. Im excited and scared at the same time. Its a new place with new people. But also its new people and a new place. Ive had plenty of chances to go back to Indiana but I decided to stick this out and see where it goes. I dislike Wichita. To crazy for me. I did find a place that I felt good in. But I wont go there for some time. Have to build some steps to reach that goal. I am going to go back to school. Well try to. And also helping Bryanna go back also. She better or I will kick her ass. lol.
Wow what a crazy life I lead. I really should write a book sometime. Who knows maybe it will be a movie.. Chris Popp the movie.. Nah I dont like the sound of it. Id much rather have Badge For My Scars.
Well till the next one.
-Chris