Aside look at deep personal matters
Few small events led one to another and at the end I have reached the stage of looking at my life from up above, having the feeling that I'm not the one living it. Somehow unimportant at first site, events, words, attitudes and feelings combined and became something serious, dangerous, painful and difficult. They stood affront of me proud of themselves. The small Lie looked like a cheap whore with big tits without bra, the words of Devotion were empty, mute and unsafe and looked like a small plant, which needs lots of attention, water, warmth and light to grow.
It's strange that people, who seemed closest to me are discussing me, my feelings, my thoughts and my actions behind my back instead of confronting me with their opinions. It's unexplainable that when what I suspect happens, some call me paranoiac and some get offended by my suspicious thoughts. It's painful that some compare me to the person they all made fun of and thought as primitive, uninteresting, low IQ and high annoyance. And it's difficult to realize that it all happens to me.
The feeling of loneliness has been always by my side and deep inside I always knew that I will never be completely understood. But somehow, no matter how foolish it may sound, knowing all that, I never stopped sharing my opinions, feelings and thoughts. Maybe I shared it with wrong people... or maybe sharing itself was wrong.
I above-mentioned this ugly image of the small Lie, but when I think of it can lies have sizes? To me they are all the same, they are born or they are not and when they are they are unforgettable. And when you don't forget, you regret... Then the Lie and the Regret dance together in your imagination like the romantic couple you always longed to be. They become the example of true love, of equal couple and understanding souls. Example of lifetime romance, which I thought existed in real life, but apparently existed only in my creative mind instead.
People often tell that I go to extremes, but to me that's what's life about. I don't want anything inbetween, anything mediocre and with undefined borders. I don't want to have a grey life, where everything is like with "normal" people and extremes are not even seen from those safe places. I don't want compromises in what I want, because I live once and if I give up my dreams, requirements and plans I will have to dance with the Regret myself...mostly all my life. And I choose the Misunderstanding as my partner, because it somehow seems more honest to me.
And while I'm dancing this dance, I still have to think of what to do next. For the first time in my life I don't know which step to make and to what direction. I'm lost, to some extend frozen and completely confused. I know I'll never call for help, show how bad I feel or seek compassion and I know that I'm the only one to get me out of the dark wood.
At this point, that's all I know!